I don't know if I should start a new relationship or not

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Sosnitskaya
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I don't know if I should start a new relationship or not

Unread post by Sosnitskaya »

Hii I made this account just to ask for help, and I have been wanting to use reddit more so ig two birds with one stone situation here.
So to start with my situation, my ex (17m) and I (17f), had broken up about 6 months ago, after 2 years of being together, and it was one of the roughest things I've ever gone through. I have abandonment issues related to some family stuff and I don't like relationships because of how easily I become attached to other people, but I grew really close to my ex, and I decided to give dating a try. He fell out of love with me, and we ended on semi good terms, but I was absolutely heartbroken. I still am, and the transition to being alone again after 2 years is hard, but I'm doing okay-ish. In the past 6 months we've been talking on and off, and honestly, I think he was using me to keep his confidence up and when he found a prettier, more interesting girl, he ditched me. We hooked up a few times and that's why I still had hope he had love for me, but he recently cut contact with me out of nowhere, which hurt, but I mean we aren't together, and it's been 6 months lol.. I want a new relationship but I don't know if I'm actually ready for one, or if I'm just lonely. In the back of my head there's this voice that tells me he will come back to me. I mean come on, on the day he broke up with me he gave me a promise ring, and then a month later he said it meant nothing to him anymore. I know I need to be rational and know he's kind of an asshole and even if he wanted to date again, I shouldn't get back with him, but there's a voice in the back of my head that tells me if he doesn't come back to me, who will love me? I don't want to get back with him, and I know it seems like I still have feelings for him and I probably do, but I don't want a relationship with him again because it won't work out. He uses reddit and if I give too much info away he'll know its him, so I'm trying to be blunt. I just think that he wanted me for sex and a placeholder so he could get closurr, and I was just sticking around just in case he wanted to come back. Now, thats kind of my background info and an intro into my brain lol..

So into the real situation LMAO
I work in a small family-run resturaunt as a busser, and one of the cooks is my boss's nephew. He's a few months older than me, and he's on the good looking side and we're good friends. I've noticed recently that he's been getting super close to me when he talks to me, and he teases me a lot more than he usually does, and he's been asking me to do things with him, like just us. We aren't really good friends outside of work, because I'm just super focused while working and I don't want to get in trouble lmao (I'm really close with my boss, she's literally my favorite person ever), she isn't afraid to beat me for not staying on task HAHAHA (I swear its not workplace abuse lol). Anyways, he just got moved from cook to server, and now we're talking more often and he's saying things like "so when are we gonna hang out?" Or like "damn girl why you keep turning me down like that" and like overall being flirty. I get super flustered super easily, and he knows it so sometimes he gets close to me and talks kind of soft and jokes around with me and I blush and he just smiles at me and makes fun of it. So naturally I've formed a bit of a crush. Every time we work together I am the busser in his section and he always helps me carry the heavy stuff (probably bc I'm slow, or because I'm genuinely weak but besides the point lol), and around customers he like acts super close to me and it's weird but in a good way. I've talked to my friends about it, and my best friend, who also works with me, asked him if he had feelings for me because his normal personality is bitchy because he's just dumb idk. So imma give away semi personal info and expose my resturaunt but I work at a Mexican resturaunt and my best friend and the dumbass in question are both Mexican, grew up there,but are doing high school here. Let's just change my best friends name because it's a distinct name lol, she's Brenda now. And Rigo is just Rigo. Ok. Well when Brenda asked Rigo if he had feelings for me, they were talking in Spanish, and now, my Spanish isn't perfect but I know enough to get certain points and he basically said that he works too much and he doesn't have time for a girlfriend rn, BUT HE NEVER SAID HE DIDNT HAVE FEELINGS FOR ME. anyways he thinks I'm the basic gringo and doesn't know any Spanish, but homie is wrong. I just sound like a basic gringo lol. Anyways that happened like 2 weeks ago, but recently he's been more friendly with me and gets super close to me when talking and like idk if he's just talking to me the way he does like flirting or like as friends, because friends don't get super super close and like try to fluster the other person as far as I know. And like tonight he asked me to go to a party with him, and he was like "I wanna get fucked up but don't worry I'll protect you hehe " and I was like WHAAAT but I turned him down because I just didn't wanna go. But like idk if it's just friends or if he's flirting but my two friends I asked both think he has feelings for me so like yay I think? BUT BUT BUT my feelings for him is the question. Do I like him or am I just really lonely because I'm not in a relationship? I would like to be with him if the situation were to present itself but the memories I have with my ex still are super strong and I don't know if I'm just rushing into a relationship or trying to, because I'm lonely. I do think I have genuine feelings for him but 1. It's a lil too early to really figure him out compatability wise, and my own feelings and 2. I want to be in a new relationship for all the right reasons.
Can someone give me their honest opinion on this? I know it's super long but I am really wordy and I am super conflicted. Thank you and I love you:)
Sam W
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Re: I don't know if I should start a new relationship or not

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Sosnitskaya,

Just so you know, this is separate from our reddit (but you still get to give only what identifying information or context you feel comfortable giving).

The tricky thing is, only you can really know how you feel about him. If you like him and would be with him romantically if the situation presented itself, then that's pretty common reason for getting into a new relationship. Generally speaking, if your ONLY reason for getting into a new relationship is because you're lonely or you're trying to forget an ex, that could be a sign to slow down, especially if you're not really concerned with the specifics of your partner because you just need someone, anyone, to fill the hole marked "boyfriend." Am I right in that that's not how you feel about this guy?

(As a side note, since it's hard to parse sarcasm through text and I need to be sure, if your boss has a habit of hitting you that is absolutely not okay and something we can help you find resources to address)
Sosnitskaya
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Re: I don't know if I should start a new relationship or not

Unread post by Sosnitskaya »

Whoops I forgot to take out the first sentence because I contemplated using a throwaway on reddit but then didn't lol, and my boss is a long time family friend, not abusive, I get free food and sometimes I get smacked in the arm playfully if I'm being dumb.
Okay onto the main issue. So today things took a turn for the more confusing but possibly a good outcome?? I knew his mother before I knew that the two were even related in general, because she used to work at the same resturaunt but quit when the staff grew. So like his mom and grandma came in to eat today, and these women were odd to me. They were very giggly, and smiley and they do that gossip thing that moms do, and my Spanish is not perfect, but I put Key words together and what I understood was "that's the girl hehe" "Ahh good fit good fit" and the whole time I was like, ahhh hello Mama Rigo hi Gramma Rigo, I missed you :).. and rigo has been getting very very close to me and my best friend even noticed it today too and she said that she thinks he likes me and that he is just having fun with the flirting stage and dragging it out and I'm freaking out because I have no clue as to what to do but yolo lol
Urna
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Re: I don't know if I should start a new relationship or not

Unread post by Urna »

Hi! I read through your thread, and it sounds like you're in an exciting new situation with Rigo, even if it's just flirtation right now. However, like you said, you're still not over your ex, who was super inconsiderate of you near the end of your relationship and left you hurting. In the interest of looking out for your own emotional health and Rigo's, my advice to you would be to slow down, and think about what a good fulfilling romantic relationship may look like, for you. Here's two articles that will help you with that: Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board, and Navigate a Healthy Relationship and Supermodel: Creating and Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.

After you've given this some thought and some time passes, it's entirely possible that your ex stops taking up that much space in your mind, and that you get to know Rigo better, and so you find out that you two are indeed compatible. It's also possible, of course, that he turns out to not be the guy for you, or vice-versa. But it's important to walk into a new relationship with as little ex-related baggage as possible, so give yourself the space to process your past, and your current needs. What do you think?
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