Hello. So, about a year and a half ago, I had my first real sexual experience with another person. It has taken a long time to process since I wasn't ready, I've realized now. However, I was super curious, and attached a lot of self worth to whether men found me attractive or not. So I let all of these things happen, basically, if not even did things to initiate them happening.
A young man my age kissed me without my permission, and I had hugely mixed feelings but eventually I kept meeting him. He didn't treat me well exactly, but not necessarily poorly either. He and I spent time together, and he started trying to make me touch him or give him oral sex. For example, he would move my hand to his crotch, I would remove it, and he would put it back and so on. I kept saying no to oral sex (he even kept asking me to do it in a semi-public place). Finally he confidently said "I know you're going to [suck me off]" (I don't remember the exact phrasing). I felt bad at this point, especially as he also made a joke about how there was no one around and so he could technically do what he wanted (this joke shocked me for many reasons, but especially since he claimed to have been a victim of rape himself). I blame myself immensely for not shutting the entire relationship down after this, and I feel horrible.
But alas, the relationship continued. He kept sort of pressuring me, and I was also curious about how it would feel, if I'd be any good at it. It felt almost like a requirement, but I was also somewhat curious about it. And so I did perform oral sex on him, twice. I had been putting his hands above his head these times, because I really didn't want him to push my head. However, the third time, I was "teasing him", and he made me lay on my back while he basically masturbated with my mouth. It felt super degrading, and eventually I did make him stop. I feel really, really terrible about this happening to me. I feel damaged.
He wanted to have vaginal sex too, but I asked him not to. At least he respected that. He did try to give me oral sex too, but I wasn't able to climax. The relationship fell apart really quickly.
It's been a pretty long time, and now I'm in a committed relationship with another man, who is much sweeter and never pressures me into anything. However I can't help beating myself up over what happened, feeling dirty and extremely used. Sometimes I even cry, or have depressive episodes. It hasn't helped my disordered eating either. I feel kind of desperate but don't want to talk about this in detail to my family or boyfriend (although he knows basically all of it). Please help me.