Kind of a rant, also notes about my background, and I need advice about a bad habit that I don't want to do but I started doing anyway. This isn't the kind of thing I normally post here but I need to get this off my chest. Can you answer as many of my points as possible? That would be so great, 'cause I'm stressing.
I did something that made me scared of myself. I started my self-harm habits again, and I haven't hurt myself since 2018. I don't feel suicidal or like I have serious depression, but I am really worried that I started this horrible habit again. I need to know how to stop self-harming: ASAP!
I can't say why I did it. (Four times in the last month or two which is more than in three years. I've never used anything other than my own nails.) I think it's because I'm sick of being in lockdown, I'm craving intimacy from my boyfriend, and I want to be surrounded by people other than my parents. I'm supposed to school soon, but I really don't want the date to get pushed back again. I also am feeling stressed out by the fact that I've come to terms with being both female and genderfluid, but also that I'm pansexual - no one knows about my sexuality.
I got into a fight with my parents. I have this interview coming up, and my mom made me feel bad. She wanted me to wear a different outfit but I really liked the one I had on. Anyway, I blew things out of proportion and I yelled and screamed at my parents. I get angry pretty easily. But I don't like the way they reacted either. They told me I was spending too much time online with my friends - which I understand - but they were threatening about taking my privileges away which is uncommon for them. I told them I wanted to take a break from online school - just for a few minutes, but they wanted me to talk to them. I can't do that in a heightened emotional state - they should know that, they're my parents! Anyway, so I had to go to class and they were like 'we'll talk about this later'. They stayed in my room until I came out of my bathroom and I felt like I had no privacy!
Usually I feel like I can talk to my parents about anything (they've grilled it into my head since I was little that they love me no matter what, I can talk to them, etc. etc.) but I don't feel comfortable talking to them about:
c.) my sexual orientation
They've never given me a reason not to want to talk to them about this but these are my most guarded topics. I don't know why. All I know is all three of these topics have been on my mind for the past month because of motherf*cking lockdown and I just want to go back to school. I have so many plans for going back and seeing everyone and I really want to stop harming myself. Inherently I think my parents are trying to help me by telling me to go outside and exercise, but they also don't know that I've hurt myself and that I'm more upset than I let on. (Aside from the argument today, when I yelled and screamed.)
So basically, yeah, I want to stop self-harming and I want to think more positively about the future. As for those three topics I listed that I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents about... well.... I don't know who to bring it up with aside from on Scarleteen because it makes me feel better knowing it's anonymous and that I can get good advice in minimal time. But if you guys have any ideas of who people (aside from my parents) I could talk to in real life or on another site about these three things, that would be great.
In short I feel happy and I actually have a ton of passions and ambitions. I have a great boyfriend, lots of supportive friends and family, and I'm about to go back to school, so I don't understand why I feel so upset and like I have to hurt myself. Please help me understand myself better. Thank you so much. <3