SMALL ESSAY INCOMING
I am not used to writing essays, letters, stories, or anything like that, so I apologize if what I write is clunky. Also this is my first post on this board, so hello everyone! Every time I say, "express myself," take a drink.
It's just been difficult for me to express whatever I'm feeling and thinking, or do something that makes me feel good about myself, or just good (well, I've masturbated since I was like 5 or something, and I've managed to never be caught, which is a miracle since my mom is a Mormon, but besides that). Especially when I'm around other people.
I especially feel unsure about... progressing? as far as romantic relationships and sexuality are concerned. I was put into "Special Education" during 3rd grade, and for a very long time I would stay up all night on my computer and the internet, meaning that I understood things like that a lot more than most people my age. But obviously my age combined with Mormonism here in Utah meant that I couldn't really express any of that at all. Now I have this lingering little fear whenever I even think about doing or saying anything. I often find years-old YouTube comments I made that I just go like, "GAHH NO," even though they're usually completely normal by most standards.
Now in 9th grade, I got accepted into a super awesome school and the past months have been nothing short of revolutionary for me. But now I've found that I have a hard time expressing myself.
I just wanted some advice on figuring out how to comfortably express myself specifically romantically, sexually, and whatever the equivalent word for 'gender' is. I'm autistic and biologically male, but I've recently had some level of dysphoria. I am both attracted to girls and sometimes I feel like, "Man, it would be awesome to be a girl!" I have also gotten my first crush on someone, which is pretty exciting, as someone who's never kissed or hugged anyone before (except for my close family for obvious reasons. I was talking to one of my friends about this and I mentioned finger-hugging, and they misheard me and thought I said I fingered my mom. That was quite amusing).
It's definitely something I would like to explore (well, not the fingering my mom bit), but whenever I think about it I just get stuck.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, even if it's probably not very easy to understand or reply to.