I don't know if I'm being dramatic

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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I don't know if I'm being dramatic

Unread post by Strangerdanger »

I've experienced sexual assault before, but this is different. In the past I said no and while I had kissed the guy who did it before we weren't in a relationship or anything. My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I have never had sex or done many sexual things. I've also expressed that I don't enjoy anything sexual. There have been several times when we're watching TV or off doing our own thing and he'll pull out his penis and grab my hand and put it down there. He's not agressive but if I were to move my hand up or not not reach all the way down he'll grab my hand again and put it on his penis. While he doesn't express that he wants a handjob I feel like it's pretty obvious that's what he wants and I feel obligated to do so even though I don't want to. I usually try to talk about things that wouldn't turn anybody on in hopes he'll stop but it doesn't work. I guess I don't know what to do. He's a great guy overall but this bothers me, and again, I've expressed that I don't like doing anything sexual. I don't know if this is considered assault or what.
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Re: I don't know if I'm being dramatic

Unread post by Emily N »

Hi Strangerdanger,

The short answer is, no you are NOT being dramatic! And I’m sorry you are dealing with this. From this article, “It is sexual assault ANY time one person does not want to be engaging in any kind of sex and another person does it to them anyway without their consent and against their will.” You have expressed very clearly that you are not interested in engaging in sexual activities, and yet he moves your hand without asking and with expectation of doing something sexual - that sounds aggressive to me. The fact that he doesn’t verbally communicate his desires with you makes it worse in that it doesn’t even open a conversation or space for you to voice your needs and feelings.

Would you feel safe/comfortable starting a direct conversation with him about how this makes you feel and that he needs to stop? If you want to bring up consent and how his actions ignore your lack of consent, this article on navigating consent is very helpful.
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