Pressure to come out?

Questions and discussions about gender, gender roles and identity.
Raffles
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Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2020 10:23 am
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Preferred pronouns: they/them/theirs
Sexual identity and orientation: asexual, panromantic, agender
Location: USA

Pressure to come out?

Unread post by Raffles »

Hey everyone!

It's been awhile since I last posted, but I've been pretty stuck lately. I've been thinking a lot of the pros and cons of coming out, and it's really weighed more on the con side for me. For me personally, I feel like coming out as agender it a lot for trouble than it's worth. In my head, I've been trying to think of myself as more cis and with my gender assigned at birth (or just not think about it at all because it's very complicated). I'm also growing my hair back out because I kind of want long hair again (and get a nape undercut, lol). I'm also taking some interviews in some conservative areas, and I want the option to pass without any questions.

However, today a friend of mine came up to me after class and said, "You go by they/them pronouns, right?" And I sort of panicked and said "yeah, what about it?" And he was fine with it, but it's still weird because it means I've sort of confirmed that I'm non-binary. It also means that somewhere, somehow, I've been outed? Which is awkward, and I have no idea what to do.
Sam W
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Re: Pressure to come out?

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Raffles,

So, you get to come out or not as you think best, and if you're noticing the cons outweigh the pros, then it makes sense to not (I also totally get the need to pass as cis when your interviewing, especially in conservative areas). Being closeted comes with it's own kinds of suckiness, but sometimes our survival (which includes things like financial well-being) has to take precedence.

With you friend, are you worried that he might accidentally out you to people? Or is it more that you're worried that the fact he knew your pronouns means someone else has outed you and you don't know who ?
Raffles
not a newbie
Posts: 77
Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2020 10:23 am
Age: 21
Awesomeness Quotient: Quality puns
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: they/them/theirs
Sexual identity and orientation: asexual, panromantic, agender
Location: USA

Re: Pressure to come out?

Unread post by Raffles »

Yeah, the financial aspect is a big push. One of my goals for my first few years out of university is to become financial independent and hopefully be able to push myself through some mental health treatment for some ongoing issues.

As for the situation with my friend, it's a bit of both. I think he might use they/them to refer to me, which is sort of an outing statement where it's rare to use they/them outside of being non-binary. I know that I personally didn't tell him, so I know that he heard it from someone/somewhere else. It's like I'm out without even knowing it or being ready, and it feels very strange.
Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7586
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 30
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: Pressure to come out?

Unread post by Sam W »

I can for sure see how it would feel strange! With your friend, is this someone you feel comfortable asking where he heard you're non-binary and explaining to him that you're trying to stay under the radar for now?
Raffles
not a newbie
Posts: 77
Joined: Tue Apr 07, 2020 10:23 am
Age: 21
Awesomeness Quotient: Quality puns
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: they/them/theirs
Sexual identity and orientation: asexual, panromantic, agender
Location: USA

Re: Pressure to come out?

Unread post by Raffles »

Honestly, we aren't super close. He's definitely more of a colleague than a personal friend. The fact that he knows tells me that it's a sort of widespread fact (at least among our extended friend group) and trying to put the cat back in the bag might not be an option at the moment. I think it's something I'll have to think on for a while.
Urna
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Re: Pressure to come out?

Unread post by Urna »

Hi Raffles,

Jumping in to say that I relate hard to what you're going through, it can feel super uncomfortable to realize that that kind of personal information is available to people that you haven't personally made it available to. I also relate to your realization that it isn't really possible to put the cat back in the bag. Wishing you luck with your decision and also peace of mind.
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