Usernamesake

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: He/Him
Sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Usernamesake

Unread post by idk anymore »

I haven't been talking here for a while for a handful of reasons. I don't really expect much of a useful response because I've come to terms with the fact that I will have to resolve this for myself, but sometimes it's just nice to scream into the void.

Romantic life is complicated, sexual life is non-existent. I've taken to this self destructive cycle of scouring the internet for anyone who would be willing to connect with me on a romantic or sexual level and have found jack after over a year of searching. I call this self destructive not only because my intentions are relatively obvious and I end up just alienating people, but also when I get inevitably rejected, I feel like a worthless piece of trash.

On a light note, I got a kitten. Her name is Myka and she's the sweetest bundle of love ever.

As I was saying, I've set my standards to none and am still incapable of finding love, and it's making me super gosh darn miserable. I now no longer masturbate because I hate the feeling on loneliness and emptiness I get at the end, so I can no longer fell comfortable finding release. Any time I see anyone speaking or being remotely happy romantically, I can't help but curse them under my breath and feel even worse about myself.

On a lighter note, I made some friends on the internet which is nice.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, gee whiz, life really stinks and idk anymore.
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman
LuC
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 27
Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2021 3:04 pm
Age: 25
Awesomeness Quotient: I can pick up languages easily
Primary language: Spanish
Preferred pronouns: She/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Cisgender Heterosexual
Location: Salta, Argentina

Re: Usernamesake

Unread post by LuC »

Hi idk anymore!

I'm sad to read that you are feeling so down lately. The kitten and the new friends sound very good though.

I know that being a teenager there is much anxiety to experience love as we see other people experiencing it and depictions in the media of how our lives should look like, how love looks like and so on. At your age it is likely though, that many other people are not sexually active or interested in having a sexual life.

You mention you are interested in finding love. We are often led to believe that love and intimacy can only be found through romantic and sexual relationships, but that is not true. Healthy friendships are actually the most important relationships you should develop if you want love.
"Friendship is at the core of any and every deep, excellent, happy, healthy relationship, whether we're talking about a friendship that doesn't have any romance or sex in it at all, or we're talking about romantic relationships, sexual relationships or both."
Being friends with someone, focusing on creating an intimacy bond and improving your friendship skills can really teach you most of the things you need to know to build healthy relationships, figure out what your emotional needs are and the basics of being a great partner. For many of us, trying to be or being in a romantic relationship can be a source of stress and anxiety, because we tend to hold so many expectations over them. Whereas being in friendships feels a lot more natural and easygoing. We can be friends with many different people and learn from all of those experiences.

How do you feel about the friendships you have? Have you ever thought about why it is that you want to have romantic relationships so badly?
idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: He/Him
Sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Usernamesake

Unread post by idk anymore »

I come from a small town and it is nearly impossible to find people I really connect with.
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman
Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7482
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 30
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: Usernamesake

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi idk anymore,

Finding relationships of any kind in small towns can definitely be challenging. From what you're describing, I can think of two different approaches that might lessen at least some of those feelings of loneliness. One is to really focus your energy on fostering those online friendships you've found. Another would be to decide how much, if any, energy you want to put into looking for ways to connect in your area; if it's a small town, it may very well be that you've exhausted the social options available to you (both now and when the pandemic lessens), but in my experience there are often social groups or events that fly under the radar.

Too, what if you tried coming at this from a slightly different angle and spent time getting comfortable with being alone. That's not to say you can't or shouldn't seek out relationships, but if you're in a situation where a lot of relationships are out of reach, getting comfortable being solo might make the whole thing easier to deal with.
idk anymore
not a newbie
Posts: 88
Joined: Tue Dec 15, 2020 7:22 am
Age: 16
Awesomeness Quotient: I have a pretty good sense of humor
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: He/Him
Sexual identity and orientation: Pan, mostly
Location: Epping, NH

Re: Usernamesake

Unread post by idk anymore »

How do I do that?
I hate the word homophobia. It's not a phobia. You're not scared. You're an asshole.

~Morgan Freeman
Urna
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 99
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:36 am
Age: 23
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Location: Delhi

Re: Usernamesake

Unread post by Urna »

Hi idk anymore!

Regarding Sam's really good advice to you: one of the best ways to make new friends is by inserting yourself into a group that is bound to meet regularly, for a number of hours, and for a longish duration of time, like a class or a reading group. I always recommend foreign language classes, because they're super heavy on interaction among learners, and they demand regularity. Additionally, once you get your feet wet in a foreign language, you'd be encouraged to seek out, say, virtual opportunities to practice with native speakers. There's apps for that, which connect you to individuals from whichever country's language you're learning, and many wonderful connections can be built on those as well! Reading groups are also great for interaction and finding fun people, because they're very discussion-heavy. Do you like to read? And of course, volunteering at places is also great for making new friends, if you can commit to the responsibility right now. All of these activities have virtual (and even free!) counterparts, of course, and those are great also because they can technically bring you outside of your small town, and maybe even outside of your country!

As for getting comfortable with being alone--since you're new to training yourself into developing this very important attitude (which I think literally everyone on this earth must, and does develop at some point in their life, to whatever degree they can), you could try filling your time with hobbies! Reading and watching movies and listening to music are common and very fulfilling hobbies, of course, but since they're basically media consumption, they ultimately may leave you feeling empty when the movie ends or the book gets boring, etc. This is why you should also get into hobbies that don't involve media consumption, such as say collecting stuff (stamps, marbles, dried flowers, pretty rocks, if that sounds interesting), making stuff (cooking, painting, woodwork, sewing/embroidering, gardening, etc.), caring for animals (is there a local animal shelter in your town that you could volunteer at? Could you maybe adopt a pet, or offer to walk/take care of other people's pets if they need that kind of help?), or outdoorsy stuff (sports, hiking, etc.). Do any of these options sound attractive or feasible?

Also, here's an article that I found in my teens and absolutely LOVED: https://www.thecut.com/2014/08/ask-poll ... e-20s.html. It's meant for a different age group, but a lot of the advice in here is great for literally anyone who's struggling to find friendly connections, no matter how old they are. Give it a read, and let me know if it spoke to you!

P.S. i like what you named this thread lol
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