My metamour creeps me out

[differentkin]

TW: Sexual abuse/grooming, paranoia related violent thoughts

So, I'm gonna get straight to what about him creeps me out. Let's call him Nathan. So, I'm 15, and my boyfriend is 16. Nathan, however is 19. My boyfriend (Aaron,) knows the age gap is weird but it's better because they have the same birthday or something?? Nathan has been emotionally and sexually abusive to him in the past, they met online when Aaron was 11, so Nathan was 14. I turned 15 a couple months ago and... I would not date an 11 year old at that time (or now, obviously.) That's creepy, that bitch is a child.

Aaron defends Nathan with defenses such as, "he's changed," "he was sheltered," "he said he was sorry," "we're working on it," and Catra (one of the other alters, he has DID,) said he said that "well if the universe wanted us apart it would find a way to make it happen". That last defense is especially frustrating because both Catra and Aaron said that literally like, EVERYONE else around them thinks the age gap is weird and not okay. Like, dude, maybe that's a sign?? Aaron is also "proud" of Nathan for doing research on DID like that's not expected?

Aaron has a habit of putting himself down and feeling unworthy of things, something that frustrates me and all of the other alters a lot. He also doesn't notice when people are abusing him and will justify their actions because he wants to hold onto them (his and Catra's words, not mine,) and Catra thinks that even if Nathan was hurting him, he wouldn't leave him since they've been together since he was 14 and he's such a central part of his identity now. Aaron says that besides me, Nathan has been the only person that he's felt actually safe around since his abuse (he used to have an abusive girlfriend, and a very abusive childhood. I mean, he has DID,) so I can see why he would be such an important person to him.

Also, Aaron has been the one who's had to set a lot of boundaries that I feel should be just, like, moral obligations to follow already? For example, Nathan has been sexual with age regressed alters, one in particular is still only 14 when they're not regressing. Aaron thought about it and they made the rule that even if someone age regressed wanted to have sex, Hector has to refuse because they're practically children and that's gross. Why didn't Hector have any qualms about it earlier? Wtf? Another is that when Aaron learned the age of consent, he was the one to be like "we shouldn't have sex anymore until I'm 16." I... what. I'm astounded. Excuse me. You're telling me this 18 year old adult man didn't know the age of consent because "uwu he was just a sheltered catholic boy" bitch I'll murder your dumb ass. A 19 and 16 year old having sex is already sketchy, but this adult man who can legally join the army, buy and use drugs, and a bunch of other shit, boutta have sex with someone not even legally allowed to drive yet?? What?? I've even heard people say the age gap between 18 and 21 is sketchy because the maturity and experience levels are so much different even then. Aaron also takes on responsibilities in the relationship Nathan should have as the older, more mature, adult in the relationship.

Part of me feels like my feelings about this are invalid because I didn't really like Hector that much before anyways, but everyone around me when I say their age gap is like "haha! no." I also feel invalid because I have very... intense emotions sometimes. I get paranoid very easily and I kinda threatened Aaron while I was paranoid (well, I said "I don't think you're plotting anything against me or that you're going to and I don't want to hurt you, but if you are I'm going to have to") and I was especially distrustful of Nathan at the time, so I feel like maybe I'm just being paranoid? And last night I was being sad about something and I was listening to music and Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush played and that spurred very protective feelings about Aaron and long story short 10 minutes later for about an hour I was fully prepared to pull a JD and yeet Nathan for being a grooming creep bitch who ever hurt Aaron in the first place. I mean I'm gonna talk to my therapist about that, but I feel like that is especially evidence to me perhaps just having too intense emotions about Aaron and Nathan isn't hurting him, even if the age gap is weird. I was also molested and experiences non contact sexual abuse and have almost been groomed by people on the internet before I got the creeps, so that's probably contributing to my negative feelings towards Nathan.

This isn't a problem that can be solved by us just breaking up or talking about it either, which is frustrating because that's what you do when you have problems in a relationship. I've actually already talked about my feelings about Nathan (well, not in a rude way or the more,, intense ones,) and that's where a lot of this information comes from. I'm not going to leave Aaron just because he's been groomed or I interpret it that way, our relationship as a whole is quite healthy (though I made a post a couple days to a week ago, it was resolved quickly,) and it's not interfering with our relationship that much. But he's so attached to Nathan I don't know how to get him away now, especially since me and Nathan are the only people he's trusted this much in a long time yet Nathan's been in his life way longer and, well, from my interpretation, groomed him.

I don't know what to do. Even if me and Aaron weren't dating, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him with somebody I thought has groomed him (even unintentionally. I don't think a 14 year old plans to groom someone,) so that's not an option. Aaron probably wouldn't leave me, he's a very dependent person (something me and Catra think is distressing,) and I think it's quite obvious he wouldn't leave Nathan. Nathan hasn't even done anything purposefully, and we don't know each other very well, so confronting him seems very scary to me. I mean he's also 4 years older than me. It's also intimidating that Nathan's dating more than one of the alters in Aaron's system, and I've literally only talked to one once. I just don't know what to do but sit here and talk to everyone else about how much it frustrates me.

[Sam W]

Hi differentkin,

I think talking over those more aggressive thoughts, as well as this situation in general, with a therapist is a sound choice, if only because they can help you sort through your feelings about it (and figure out how not to threaten your partner when you're feeling paranoid). Can I ask if any adults in Aaron's life know about Nathan? And has he told anyone other than you about the abuse?

I think something to keep in mind is that you can divide this situation into things you can control and things you can't. You can control how you interact with Aaron and how much you interact with Nathan based on your comfort with him. You can voice your concerns. But you can't make Aaron leave Nathan or view Nathan's actions the way you do.

Can you give me a sense of how your relationship with Aaron is overall? I recall from your last post that you two have only been together a little more than a month, right?

[differentkin]

The adults is Aaron's life know about Nathan, yes, but I don't think Aaron had really told that many other people about the past abuse situation, since I only knew because Catra brought it up. My relationship with Aaron is pretty good I'd say, we check in with each other a lot on things. I've expressed how I feel about communication to him thoroughly (I think you should tell someone even about minor inconveniences, even if you don't expect them to change them,) and he and Nathan talked about communication as well. And yes, we have been together for only a little over a month. I mean we've known each other for a little under a year, but that's different. I care a lot about Aaron and he cares about me as well, though I obviously have more intense feelings about things sometimes. Though last night I was thinking their relationship over and I got triggered so that's a thing that happened. I talked to Nathan a little bit, and he seems to have conflicting feelings about the age gap as well. I worry even if I or Nathan are hurting him in any way he won't recognize it, so I check in with his feelings about things I say or do more often than he checks on me (I mean he doesn't really do anything so whatever,) but even then he's someone who's very easily manipulated and it scares me. I've told him if he thought I overstepped any boundaries or did anything wrong or even if he just wanted to, he was allowed to break up with me and it's be fine (he's had struggles with breaking up with an abusive partner in the past.) I realize I respect his boundaries a lot more than I respect or even tell people mine, and I need to work on that and am with another partner. I don't think Nathan or Aaron are bad people, obviously, but their relationship just makes me nervous and anxious.

[Mo]

I think it's good to recognize, as you have here, that you're better about respecting Aaron's boundaries than you are at respecting or letting folks know about your own. Being able to respect and set good boundaries are both super important for healthy relationships. You mentioned talking to your therapist about some of the intense emotions you're having around this situation, which I think is a good plan; how would you feel about talking a bit about ways to work on setting/talking about your own boundaries as well? You mentioned working on that with another partner, which is great, but that's an area where a therapist could probably be really helpful, as well.

I can understand why you'd feel anxious about Aaron and Nathan's relationship, for sure. It sounds like you do have some direct contact with Nathan, since you've talked with each other about his relationship with Aaron; how comfortable are you with that? Would it feel better at all to pull back a bit from engaging with him directly?