First Time Fears

[Digdawg]

Hi Scarleteen! I have something to ask. Today my boyfriend and I had vaginal sex for the first time in both of our lives. He used a condom correctly, pulled out, and I have been on birth control for the past year due to medical reasons and have used it consistently, only missing 3 pills the whole year I’ve been on the pill. I have some worries that I may get pregnant, despite understanding that my risk should be less than 1%. I’d like to have a second opinion, this was such a big milestone for me and I’m still not sure how to process it all. Thanks!

[al]

Hi there Digdawg,

Since you've taken your oral contraceptive consistently, and it seems like the condom was used correctly, your relative risk is indeed pretty low. You can compare the effectiveness rate with other BC combos over at The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control.

So if you know that you're using contraception correctly, and you know that the chances of them failing is very low, what do you think is making you feel worried about being pregnant?
How are you feeling about the experience itself? Do you feel like your boundaries and wants and needs were respected and taken care of?

[Digdawg]

I have an anxiety disorder, and having decided that I don’t want kids, my anxiety has extended into that area of life for me. I have been to a therapist for this and use exercises to calm myself down and, in regards to anything involving my uterus, survive long enough for me to get my period.
The experience itself was fine. I had previously read articles on Scarleteen as well as other sites like Planned Parenthood in order to be prepared and be able to protect myself. I can confidently say that my needs were respected, my boyfriend regularly asked if I was okay and if we needed to stop, and let me lead when I felt I needed to.

[Sam W]

Hi digdawg,

It sounds like you did a lot of preparation beforehand, which is a really awesome way to approach your first sexual experiences!

It's crummy that you're having to find out first hand that, for those of us with anxiety disorders, sex ends up being yet another place where anxiety can get a grip on us. You're already doing one of the main things we recommend, which is using techniques you've learned with your therapist to manage these fears. Too,if you're still seeing them, have you spoken to your therapist about these specific fears around pregnancy? If not, is that something you'd feel comfortable doing?

[Digdawg]

Unfortunately, I’m not really in a position with I can see my therapist, Covid-19 aside. I ended up speaking with my mom about it, as she’s seen firsthand how my anxiety affects me and was able to give me some judgement free advice (“Well you used three methods of protection, you’re pretty much set”, etc.). I have a very good relationship with her where I can freely ask for advice, which I’m thankful for.

[Amanda F.]

I'm so glad that you have a good, judgment-free relationship with your mom. That's great!

Do you have other methods of dealing with your anxiety when it comes up?

[Digdawg]

I’m very lucky to have a mom like her, especially given the area I live in.

I’ve actually been playing a lot of Spider Solitaire on my phone, and I have sensory toys that I can fiddle around with.

[Amanda F.]

Nice - games are such a good distraction. I love Spider Solitaire!

We're here if you have other questions or would like to discuss other ways of managing that anxiety.

[Digdawg]

An update!

It’s been almost three weeks, and I’ve since gotten my (birth control induced) period. Things were normal, and I think I feel a lot better about the experience!

[Sam W]

Hi Digdawg,

Thanks for the update, and glad to hear things are going better!