Hi there AphroditeLoves, and welcome to Scarleteen!
[Edited to add - horriblegoose got in here first, but here's my take!]
First off I want to just affirm how great it is that you're taking time to think about what you want your sexual experiences to feel like if/when you eventually have them. You're absolutely right- sexual assault does not count as sex, because sex can only happen with consent. When we talk about 'losing virginity', we're talking about the first time that someone freely and enthusiastically decides to be sexual with someone else. (Although 'virginity' as a concept is based on a lot of harmful historical beliefs - I recommend checking out Magical Cups and Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
if you haven't already).
In terms of your question, I think that anyone who's worth your time shouldn't have a problem with checking in consistently. Just like you
wouldn't want to hurt a potential partner, someone who cares about you and wants to be a good sexual partner will want to respect your boundaries and make sure that you have options to communicate what you are and aren't comfortable with. Ideally, that's something that all of us should be doing with someone who we don't know all that well, or are having sex with for the first time - checking in frequently.
I understand why you might feel hesitant about it though; it's not like there's a whole lot of representation out in popular media of sexual partners overtly discussing what they like and don't like and checking with each other frequently. Most often we're shown couples who barely say anything, much less ask each other how they're doing or assert that things need to slow down, stop, or be done differently. But there are absolutely ways to address those things in the moment that don't have to slow things down or ruin in the mood. Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent
gives some really good examples, as well as talks about why those check ins are so important, especially for those of us who have experienced assault or abuse.
I'll also say that opening up about what you've experienced can be a deeply personal and vulnerable thing to do (although the way that you phrased it had me absolutely cracking up). You don't have to share that with every single person that you're sexual with; you can always ask that your partner(s) check in with you every so often/pause and ask before initiating any kind of new activity and get an explicit "yes" before continuing - all without explaining your own backstory. And if they're unwilling to communicate in a way that keeps you feeling safe and engaged, then they probably aren't going to be a great sexual partner anyway.
But that's also the type of thing that you could save for situations wherein you've been able to feel someone out a little bit, and have a little bit of trust in them and their ability to respect your boundaries. You might not feel comfortable opening up about that with a stranger, but with someone that you've known for a while or have been dating for a little bit, you might have more of a rapport with, and might feel a bit more comfortable sharing your own wants and needs with. Does that make sense?