Unread postby BuddyBoi21 » Fri Dec 13, 2019 4:13 pm
Hi Heather,
Thank you so much for the reassurance it really helps to dispel a lot of my anxiety from posting again.
As for the diagnoses, with bipolar disorder it was definitely tough because I was told I'd have to start medication. While I was still talking to my ex girlfriend, she helped me dispel that stigma and at least try the medication before we stopped speaking to one another entirely (there's quite a messy situation as to why we don't speak anymore but that's another tangent).
I've now been on my medication for 3 months and I'm a lot happier and more stable. But a few weeks ago I felt something else was "off". I often felt anxious especially in social situations and after having a lot of conversations with friends and revisiting the conversation with my psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with "high-functioning" autism (which I think from research is supposed to be asperger's syndrome?).
Pretty much this dug up a whole ton of childhood trauma related to bullying and having to create a lifelong mask in order to hide. I now understand why I feel so detached and find it so anxiety inducing to navigate social situations, especially romanitic/sexual ones.
So it was a relief but now I fears (one part financial and another part social) like "Will I be able to hold down a job that doesn't drain me everyday while still having a livable paycheck?", "Will I ever actually find a girlfriend/partner because of this?", "Will I ever figure out how to socially interact with people I'm attracted to without coming off as threatening or weird?".
It's good to know because it means I can move toward better navigating the world around me but anxiety inducing because it feels like another trait I have to "worry about" when talking to people I like. I'm nonbinary but I look "like a man" and use a prosthetic, I'm exceedingly interested in sex but I love to cuddle and be romantic too, I'm both an advocate and leader in my community but I'm also still a meme-loving 20 year old.
It all feels scattered and as though either no one person will be okay with all of these parts or no one person can satisfy certain desires I have for a relationship.
With what I want from dating now, I want to make a connection but I also recognize with that connection (for me personally) usually comes sexual desire in some cases. So I'm aware that, and can usually separate, different needs. Sometimes I'm horny and would like sexual stimulation, other times I'm lonely and desire romantic connect over platonic connection. And I notice is can be both. I need that sort of "chemistry" between people to enjoy sex but also want some for of emotional consistency.
By no means do I need this relationship to be marriage material or some other serious equivalent but I definitely need it to be closer to a "if this relationship escalates, will I be okay with this partner(s) being in my life more intimately?"
I guess I want something to start casual and proceed from there. I notice that if a relationship escalates too quickly it can exacerbate my anxiety if I'm still unsure of the person I'm with. I also need someone closer to my age or at least closer to the amount of experience I have in both the general relationship and sex.
In terms of what I can "bring", I'm a relatively self sufficient person, I can communicate rather well and I try to be a decent and understanding person. I'm really empathetic and while I do express more masculine I always strive to express so in a positive manner; I allow myself to have a full range of emotions and try to cope with them in a healthy way. I'm interesting? I've been getting back into music and I'm more consistently working out, I'm also involved on my campus and do a good job at keeping my grades up.
Financially, I'm not in the best shape because of some instability but I try to keep going and be proactive in the meantime.
What might be too challenging or too much is if I end up in the same situation as I did before. I'm with someone who has some big values of mine in common but fundamentally we're very different people and nothing like compromising can change that.
There's also just the act of getting there. Talking to people, trying to even ask someone out on a date; it's all terrifying if I think about it too much or too hard.
There's also that underlying distress over whether or not what I want in a partner is an unhealthy expectaion, a value, a boundary or a need.
The best I can think of is my campus but a good chunk of single and polyam LGBTQ+ students (at least the ones I know) like to drink and/or smoke. I tried going to a sobriety club but it was both very small and the people there weren't people I felt interested in (plus I think everyone there was not attracted to transmasc people).
I started attending an autism support group outside of school but everyone is almost 10 years older than me.
Basically I feel like my options there are very bad or super slim. As for apps, I'm already on dating apps but the problem there is that I "pass" very well as a 17 year black cis boy. I try to put somewhere in my photos and biography that I'm trans and not not hypermasculine in personality but that can only go so far.
Another sucky thing I come across is that many apps still have the "men" or "women" section despite allowing a nonbinary gender option. This in turn allows straight men to swipe right on me and straight women to look completely past me. And I've unfortunately tested this in the past that men online seem to be more interested in me than women! And even if a woman matches with me we never get around to meeting in person.
I used to always feel like I was doing something wrong but it turns out it's a running joke in the LGBTQ+ youth community that no one who matches on dating apps ever meets in person or even speaks.
Other than that it's safe to say I feel pretty defeated. I would say I could meet people on campus, nightclubs/bars, coffee shops, or the place I'll be taking music lessons at.
These all present a plethora of problems in my mind:
1. If the space is public and not LGBTQ+, what are the chances the woman will think I'm a teenage cishet guy trying to hit on her?
2. What are the chances she feels threatened by some strange dude-looking person speaking to her?
3. In LGBTQ+ clubs/bars there's a bit more leeway but the same still applies.
3. b) On top of that, if I present too feminine with how well I "pass" people think I'm a gay twink and either think I'm a nice gay boy they can dance with or someone that a guy could take home. Pretty much attracting people I'm not interested in.
4. The racial aspect plays into the earlier stated fear and makes it feel even worse if the person I'm approaching is outside of my race.
5. In the place I'm taking music lessons it's religious affiliated so I won't know if who I'm trying to speak to is straight or not.
5.b) This again applies to every non-LGBTQ+ space I go to.
So yeah I have a lot of anxiety with "in the wild" experiences and I don't feel too hopeful with online dating which is why I tend to default to "Why bother?" even though I'm clearly not having the best time.
That was a whole lot but I hope you have better insight on what's going on in my head when I'm trying to date!