Dear scarleteen staff,
a while ago I made friends with a bunch of people, including someone who I suspect having a crush on me. The first time I met him I kinda felt attracted to him when he was touching me, despite him being totally not my type. Nevertheless the way he smiles at me disgusts me, I'm put off by his face, body type and general appearance and tried to be distant when being in the group. We twice after I got to know the people, I've even slept over at his place 'cause I've needed a place to sleep, but all the time I've wanted to keep the time spent together rather short. I'm uncomfortable with him being so nice to me, complementing me, buying stuff etc. In general he tends to be a giver & doesn't have high confidence. A friend of him told me, he wishes to have somebody he can care for, but I don't want to be somebody. Additionally, his behavior towards me, especially him apologizing makes me really angry, I wish he could be mean to me, call me names or ignor me. I don't understand where my anger comes from.
And because this isn't confusing enough, at a party he caressed my head for each a minute and it felt great, sexually. I've been slightly high in both situations, but I've suspect that it did not come from the drugs. Every time I look at his face when I catch him happily looking at me, I want to run, I'm not in love with him but I'm sure he is. I'm afraid of falling in love with him, because he might "need" me so bad, and because I'm simply not attracted to him aesthetically. I would not want him as a partner.
Right now I'm very confused. He does not let loose even though he knows I've made out with a friend and asked other guys out.
I don't know whether I just can't accept my feelings because he does not look like I've imagined a future partner or if it's something else. However, the whole situation stresses me pretty much and I would be relieved if someone could help me out.