How do I ask her whether she’s really into me or if it was a one-time thing?

Questions and discussions about relationships: girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, partners, friends, family or other intimate relationships in your lives.
cupcakewaffles
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How do I ask her whether she’s really into me or if it was a one-time thing?

Unread postby cupcakewaffles » Sat Aug 24, 2019 12:19 pm

Background info: I’m a 23 year old girl in a polyamorous relationship with C, a 34 year old guy who I’ve been with for almost five years. G is a 30 year old girl who is also poly.

A few months ago, I was volunteering at a convention and there was a party that was held for all of the volunteers and pretty much everyone went to it. When the party ended, C and I were hanging out with G and a few other people. We’d been having a lot of fun, so we decided to pick up a couple bottles of wine and go back to me and C’s hotel room to continue the party. By this point we’re all at least a little bit tipsy. We get to the room and G changes into the robe the hotel had. My memory isn’t all that great (and not because of the alcohol; it’s just really bad) but, long story short, the two of us made out.

I’m volunteering at another convention next week and not only will she be there, but C and I are going to be sharing her hotel room along with with a few other people, who are, as far as I’m understanding, also partners. According to C, there’s going to be a lot of play going on, which we’re both perfectly comfortable with.

I’m really excited about this, but I have NO idea how G actually feels about me. I’d like to know before I see her again, but I’m really bad at flirting with other girls and can’t ask a direct question to save my life. C assures me that she’s interested, and told me that he wouldn’t be surprised if her being into me was part of why she’d offered to share the room, and he also said that G hadn’t really been all that drunk that night, but my anxiety just won’t let me relax about it!

How do I ask her if she’s really interested or if it’d just been drunkenly making out, without feeling so anxious and self-conscious?

Heather
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Re: How do I ask her whether she’s really into me or if it was a one-time thing?

Unread postby Heather » Sat Aug 24, 2019 1:54 pm

Welcome to the boards. :)

Pardon me for butting in and speaking to something you didn't ask about, but there's one thing I want to mention first before anything else. That's that you and C and G and others may want to rethink super-mingling your volunteering with sex play, especially if alcohol or other substances are also in the mix. Over the years, a lot of things like this have blown up in various con circles (quite specifically) because -- as perhaps you can understand -- there can be people who wind up being and/or feel coerced, harassed or otherwise abused in that environment. It can also make people feel pressured and unsafe. Personally, my best unsolicited advice for all of you would be to separate that kind of play from the con (including the hotel it's at) as much as possible, or at least to separate it from organizational factors, like it being all the volunteers.

In terms of your question about G, it sounds like one of you already is in contact with her if you've arranged to share her room. So, how about texting or emailing her so you can ask her about this in a less anxiety-ful way than in person when you're already in her space?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

cupcakewaffles
newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Aug 24, 2019 11:40 am
My pronouns: She/her
My sexual identity and orientation: Polyamorous pansexual
Location: VA, USA

Re: How do I ask her whether she’s really into me or if it was a one-time thing?

Unread postby cupcakewaffles » Sat Aug 24, 2019 2:34 pm

We’ve actually already given that sort of thing a lot of thought and we’ve all discussed it. Consent is a really important thing to all of us; in fact, during our after party, G noticed that one of the people looked a little uncomfortable and had pretty much immediately pulled him aside and talked to him about whether he was okay and making sure that he knew he was 100% allowed to not want to be involved with anything. I do appreciate the concern though!
My plan had been to message her, but my real problem is that I just don’t know what to say without being really awkward.

Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 8223
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I know every word of The Lorax by heart.
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: How do I ask her whether she’s really into me or if it was a one-time thing?

Unread postby Heather » Sat Aug 24, 2019 2:52 pm

That's awesome to hear. I still strongly advise separating things like this as much as you can, like by saving play for spaces separate from an all-volunteer after party. If someone is uncomfortable with people getting big-time sexual in that kind of setting, that means they just have to leave (or suck it up), which blows at best, and at worst, feels a lot like people putting you in their scene without your permission. On the other hand, if you take that somewhere private when you want to do it, that doesn't have to be a possible issue, you know?

I do also want to add though, that a couple of bottles of wine for three people is actually LOT of alcohol, were it all to be consumed. So as far as consent is concerned, especially since it sounds like this does really matter to you, that if people are getting drunk, which they would be sharing a couple bottles among three people, you're already stepping outside of a situation in which anyone who is can fully consent. Obviously, in practical life, there's this wide scale/range that goes from having a sip of booze and being blackout drunk, but we really do get to consent-is-iffy pretty soon once people are drinking more than a glass of a thing, particularly if they're binge drinking (drinking a lot of it fast, which is also dangerous in other ways).

Again, apologies for the unsolicited advice, but this is just one of those things I have a pretty long view on (I'm old), and have also been a person in those kinds of spaces/situations other people often tell about their negative feelings and experiences, or who people talk to before they bring complaints or issues to organizers.

In terms of what to say to G, how do you feel about just texting and asking if she has a few minutes to talk because you want to check in with her about a thing? Then if she does, you can just say what you did here: that before you are in the same space, you want to make sure you're not making any assumptions about what happened with the two of you last time. You can say that you're feeling excited to see her, and have been thinking about seeing if she wanted to pursue more of the kind of interaction you had last time this time, but don't want to make it awkward when you're in her space by just putting that in her face without some advance ask. How does something like that sound?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead


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