Hey, this is my second post on this forum and I have a sort of dilemma. I do not drink because I have alcoholism and addiction in my family. My mother is an alcoholic and she was sober for two years and then she got back on the wagon. It bothers me a lot and I know when she is drinking and it makes me quite uncomfortable. I usually just go in my room and sit on my phone.
I have been on my campus for about a month or so, and I have been to about three parties. They were really fun, but after every one, my friends left me and I had to walk about a mile or so back to my dorm by myself. I have told people that I do not drink and most people respect that. I feel that I do not need alcohol or marijuana to have fun. I can have fun without doing something that I would regret later. I don't really want to be that guy though. The Debbie downer of the party. Like I am a very social person and I talk to a lot of people at the parties. I have been offered beer and shots and stuff but I usually deny them.
I have talked to a couple of girls, but I will not make any moves on any girls who are too intoxicated. I am not the guy to take advantage of any girl no matter the situation. I want to hookup with a girl, but it seems like the only way to do that is to be at a party and/or drink along with them. I am also afraid of taking a girl home who has had a couple drinks, but is not intoxicated, and being seen as taking advantage of the female. I really want a relationship, but it is not really possible at the moment because I am not too attractive to some people. I personally think that I have an amazing personality and it makes up for anything that lacks in attractivness.
I do not have the most positive self-body image. I have clinical hereditary depression and anxiety and the lack of interest in me by women is lowering my self-esteem even more. I have been having thoughts of suicide and harming myself that I cannot control. I made a couselling appointment very soon and hopefully it will help, as I have been struggling with this for a while. This will be my first counselling session and I am a little nervous to be honest. I do not drink and I don't need to, but how will I be able to hookup without being at a party or drunk?