So yeah this is pretty much my vent box I update whenever a new problem comes to me. I think I'm coping a lot better with the PO/CD thing, it still flares up with new recollections of bullshit but I think going through the Mark Freeman content (He does youtube and tumblr) made things better. I kind of looked at mental illness as "you have all these problems that don't get better and new ones pile up ergo you will be permanently mentally ill and some degree of unhappy forever" and I think that wasn't helping. I still think that (holy shit reading through the past posts brings up anger at how goddamn incompetent the adults around me were and are) but less so now. More hopeful, maybe. Is sad to look on older posts like 'man that poor me had a hard time- owait its still me still arguably having a hard time but hey I got through xyz intact so that's nice'.Item One: Awful ex-friend in the OP, nothing new just frustration at feelings
She hasn't contacted me, thank fuck, but I still occasionally get dreams where I'm...I dunno, being friends with her despite knowing that's a bad idea. I like how I can essentially cut off a best friend that's abusive but it bugs me that...I dunno, was at the autism group and talking to groupleader after the mum gave her side on something and apparently I risk looking like I cut off people at random? That was annoying because its' not true. If anything I've waited <i>far</i> too long to cut off people that I should, it is not a first resort for me. Also my mum had apparently said "o they just fell out I guess" despite the fact Anna (already mis-posted her name in this thread forever ago so whatever, she's named now, also if she ever reads this: fuck you anna) physically pushed me over in my house in response to my self-harming when both of them trapped me in my room and repeatedly denied child abuse that happened to me and in the household was abuse.
I feel like if I was going to reestablish contact it would be with a stern set of rules: she goes to an abuser program and commits to it, she goes at least six months without contact throughout and after completing it (or at least...six months past something), she admit she was not 50/50 not 98% but 100% in the wrong for what happened, that she is abusive, that her family is abusive because there is no way she would think what happened to me was normal otherwise...I also know a probable-narcissist like her that has been taking a leader/smothering role as a peer since childhood is not going to commit to that. But the fact I have those terms and conditions thought up plus the dreams speaks of...some sense of "man I wish she'd stop being abusive so we could be friends again". Having to cut pillars out of your life because you realize everything around you since you grew up is corrupt sucks.
The latest dream bugged me even though I don't recall it well, I was just...being friends with her despite knowing it wasn't a good idea (and possibly because my peers would go
) but doing it because of that primal pull of 'I miss x'. It feels like its' been a year so wishing the subconscious would shut up on that front, I know I'm not getting back together with her in any capacity.Item two: what the fuck do you even do in terms of familial relationship where Incest Lite happened
Typing out the word incest makes it feel a bit too real, welp. For context he was younger(2 years younger?) so its' not like he's irredeemable or had full awareness but yanno, still gonna be discomforted.
Went over the incident specifics before (taking his bare penis out to chase and touch me and a friend with it, watching me bathe because I didn't know that was a sexual thing and thought he just wanted to listen to me tell stories, leg humping me at random all of once), I find in person nowadays I can get on with him fine but...every time he skype calls the home I just feel 'ugh' and want nothing to do with him? There's also the fact that when I tried to explain the 'dad' being an angry drunk makes me scared he went "well you forget to lock the door and that scares people". It feels like I'm the only one not stupid enough to admit the abuse is what it is (except maybe the dog but I don't know what his cognitive processes are like. I notice sometimes he's hand-shy with hands around his head because he'd get tapped hard/lightly smacked for discipline and one time trapped in a room and essentially scolded at random by idiot-bastard-drunk until I let him out 3:).
Basically I'm...sure, I can have a familial relationship sometimes
but also I get like "ugh I don't want to talk to him I don't want to be social I don't want to do the stupid skype call leave me alone" and...yeah I don't think its' my usual phone aversion anymore. I mean he essentially picked on me growing up and always got away with it because my dad would shout and that would punish me by proxy because grown-ass adult shouting around an autistic kid = terrifying and my mum would do fuck-all or just spread the blame equally because "stop fighting" (??? i am literally reporting to you the bullying so that I don't have
to fight him, at one point I tried to go downstairs to tell her he was bothering he so he clung onto my leg and went "mum shall not be told" so of course my report was nullified because 'o you shouted and didnt go all the way downstairs'). Whilst a lot of it may be regular sibling cuntiness the fact it was effectively undisciplined bullying ruined the relationship. That and his occasional abuse, I don't recall what him chasing me in the house was about but a) he is physically larger and stronger than me b) I'm underweight and disabled as fuck so it REALLY doesn't feel like I have the upper hand in a scenario like that, especially when the house is too full of angry men.
Just...I don't know what to do. I remember in part I held off talking about shit with Anna because I knew she would be stupid, horrible and cause emotional injury (which she did, her incident made me want to go practice suicide in a stream but she pulled me home by the arm and chided me for 'silent treatment'. She didn't know I was going to the stream, she was just being a control freak as always) so I don't feel talking to him about "hey you didn't know xyz was cocsa at the time but you still deliberately did harm either way" would go well at all, it's also a fucking horrible awkward conversation that I do not want to have. I don't want to have to comfort someone through realizing and processing the "oshit I fucked up this badly and have to admit it and feel the guilt without being eaten alive by it" process because goddamnit its' abuse that happened to me and I don't want to say that everythings' fine and okay now when it's really not and had adverse effects on me. Like I don't think self-loathing permanently forever with being a cocsa perp is necessary or healthy but...I don't want to be pushed into absolving him. I also really don't want to hear "that wasn't abuse because xyz" he's already stupid enough to think the bastard-parent isn't abusive and come to think of it, that shit like chasing me and bullying me and throwing things at me doesn't warrant an apology, I don't trust him not to say something that would cause emotional injury like Anna did. I don't trust my mum or anyone else in the family not to be completely and utterly fucking stupid about it like they've always been on anything as non-complex as "gee maybe a grown-ass adult shouldn't suddenly lurch forwards, grab and smack a toddler for ripping wallpaper".
Just...what the fuck do I do? I can't talk about it with him but that inevitably leads to limbo but talking about it will lead to excuses and pain and having to cut off the relationship altogether. It fucking sucks. I'm basically typing this up because I feel getting words out instead of awkwardly blanking problems as they come maybe helps. Maybe this should be a captain-awkward post, I dunno.
[/url] can't talk about the mild unwitting cocsa incest committed against me, not talking about has its' own set of problems, I'm being the "gee x why dont you talk when x wants to skyp call" level avoidant despite being technically alright with interaction in-person. Things would be easier if I just didn't have a brother altogether and I don't know what I 'should' do here. Limbo is bad but talking would just...not work about, disownment also has its' problems but feels comfortable even if I miss out on the positive interactions.