Scarleteen

Hello,

I'm 28, cis-female, heterosexual, been sexually active for 4-5 years now and I'm coming across a problem of determining when my body is ready for insertion of a penis into my vagina. With my first partner, he would always insert his fingers first and would tell me when he thought I was "ready." And he seemed to be right most of the time, as I rarely had pain during insertion.

That relationship ended and about a year later I started a new relationship. My current partner always asks me when I'm "ready" (which is fair, I should know my own body!). But I can't tell. We do plenty of foreplay and even when I think I'm very aroused, I tend to have pain on insertion more often than not. Typically after a few moments it goes away and everything feels good again (which makes me think it's purely a problem of my muscles not being relaxed enough, and not something like vaginismus).

But it's starting to really frustrate me. I obviously don't want it to hurt when I have sex. I have a feeling a lot of this is mental, like I expect there to be pain, which makes me tense up and not allow those muscles to relax, which causes the pain. But I don't know how to get out of the cycle.

Another problem is that my partner had been having problems of his own with maintaining an erection. So doing foreplay for a long time trying to get my body ready can make it difficult for him. I think I've been psyching myself out thinking 'I need to get ready as soon as possible' even though he has never put pressure on me like that. Add to that COVID anxiety and work stress, of course, and it's all making me very frustrated.

How can I better determine when I'm ready?

Hi zebracakes,

That does sound like a frustrating cycle, so let's see if we can find some ways to interrupt it.

First things first, are you two using lube? If not, that would be something to add into the equation because it decreases chances of discomfort.

As far as determining when you're ready, what if you or he did the same thing your ex did and insert fingers first? That would let you feel if there was still tension or discomfort and then communicate with him accordingly.

How familiar do you feel with how arousal looks and feels in your body overall?

Yes, we are using lube and yes he does insert fingers first. I feel no discomfort or pain with 1 or 2 fingers inserted. I have a feeling my ex was smaller/thinner and therefore 2 fingers was enough for me to be ready, but that doesn't seem the case with my current partner.

I would say unfamiliar with how arousal looks/feels since I truly believe that I'm relaxed/feeling good but can still have pain.

I did read somewhere on this site about orgasming first to get your muscles to relax, however I have found that when I do that I am too sensitive afterwards and it does not feel good.

One thing to try, if you haven't already, is to approach intercourse in a way where you're both thinking about and doing it more like you're pulling him in than he is pushing into you.

In other words -- I'm going to be pretty explicit here so it's clear -- if he leans into you with his body, with his penis at your vaginal opening, and instead of pushing in, waits to feel your more subtle movements of your vaginal opening slowly widening, as it will tend to, and enters very, very gradually (and always with lots of lube!) as he does that, only going in deeper as he feels your body yield or pull in, this might feel different for you. The extra bonus with this way, too, is that it doesn't make the same demands of a partner's erection as other approaches can. If your partner starts soft or softer, or even gets that way on and off as you do this -- you can stretch it out over a long time -- it truly doesn't matter. I mean, it doesn't matter, period, it's not like anyone *has* to be having sex in a certain way, and rubbing genitals together can often be just as satisfying as having them "fully" interlocked, but hopefully you know what I mean.

It might be his body is different than your last partner's for sure. But there also isn't only one way to do this, exactly, and the way people move with this can make a real difference sometimes. It may be that your last partner had more awareness of what I'm talking about here and that's what he was referring to when he talked about your body feeling ready to him (and why your body felt more ready to you).

(I just explained something very similar to someone else in the last week. Seems to be a theme right now! )

Thanks for the advice! I will try this out and see if I can get a better understanding of how my body works.