24 and never been able to induce any pleasure at all

[kitschen]

It's extremely embarrassing to admit and I feel supremely broken, and so frustrated I may cry. I'm 24 years old and never once have I been able to sexually stimulate myself. Not once. I occasionally have non-sexual dreams that result in me waking up really aroused, but there's never anything I can do about it. I've tried. All I can do is just wait for it to fade away and go back to sleep.

I've tried literally everything I can think of short of speaking to a sex therapist. I'm not even sure there's one anywhere near me. I've looked up my problem but all I get are forums for older women who've had a long history of sexual activity and are starting to wane on what they get out of it, which only embarrasses me more. This isn't even a matter of wanting to have sex with another person; I'm a virgin, and I intend to keep it that way. I identify as asexual because I've never felt sexual interest in any person, and I'll probably stand by that even if this problem is fixed, but even other asexuals I've met can FEEL things still. A lot of them regularly masturbate, which I'm so jealous of I can hardly think straight.

I think at this point I may actively be sexually frustrated just because of how unsolvable this issue is, and the dreams I keep having are making it worse. On top of that, I've gotten a taste for stimulation before. In high school, I was once running down a hall and nearly collapsed in on myself because suddenly I felt overwhelming pleasure with each step I ran. It faded away when I turned to run down another hall, and I've never felt anything like that before or since. It's maddening, knowing that it's POSSIBLE, but I can't recreate it. I've even tried running more to see if it'd happen again, to no avail.

I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid to try sex toys because I don't know if I can handle more disappointment, and wasting money when I'm already quite poor to begin with. I've tried every manner of sex advice I've been able to find on the internet and nothing works. When I touch myself, in any way, it feels just like...touching. That's all. Nothing of interest, though it does feel like touching a place with nerves. I can feel the nerves under my skin, but it's not a good feeling, and gets irritating fast. I get a better feeling from scratching my ear canal with q-tips (which I've really got to stop doing tbh).

Does anyone know what to do? Or, has anyone met someone like me who's found something that works? I'm honestly desperate. (As an aside, I do take an SSRI, but this has been a lifelong situation. I was a crotch-grabber as a young kid and never got anything out of that, either.)

[nicole]

Hi kitschen,

Welcome to the boards! This does sound incredibly frustrating and I understand completely. This is actually a very common concern that we encounter and unfortunately, there is not always a direct answer we can give. I do want to emphasize that you aren't alone and we can try to work through this!

From just knowing that you are on an SSRI, I do know from personal experience that it can decrease your sex drive significantly, especially if your sex drive has always been low. If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been taking this SSRI? I ended up switching to Wellbutrin because of this exact issue and it's slowly getting better. Switching medication is an option but I don't think we should jump to that step right away.

There are many factors that can go into the lack of pleasure/orgasm from masturbation: stress from everyday life, uncomfortable environment, lack of knowledge of sexual anatomy, etc. I've noticed that the majority of the time it's either the first or third. Knowledge of sexual anatomy is important--I know you mentioned that you've tried everything, but I also do know that women mostly get stimulation from their clitoris, as its sole purpose is pleasure. Additionally, I always tell people in this situation that it's best to go into masturbation without any expectations or the goal of pleasure and orgasm, but rather just exploring your body and going with what feels good. I know this might sound like a broken record, but I just want to clear all of this up before moving forward. Does any of this seem relatable to you?

As for sex toys, I know you're expecting to feel disappointed, but this negative attitude could also impact your experience with them. You wouldn't want to stress yourself out over something you haven't attempted yet. It might be helpful to go into this with a positive mindset! You mentioned that they can be expensive--which is true--but we have a great article that focuses on utilizing items you may already have as sex toys. I will link it here: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. Please let me know if that helps!

With all of this, it could be helpful for you to expand on what you have tried in order for us to figure out what we can further recommend or consider. For instance, have you utilized sexual media, etc.? Things like that. I hope my response is helpful in any way.

[kitschen]

Hi there! I've been taking Lexapro for I think at least a good five years. I don't think it's necessarily an issue though; in fact, my interest in sexual stuff has only increased while taking it because now my brain isn't preoccupied thinking there's danger around every corner. Before I was taking it, I never had these dreams where I woke up aroused at all.

No need to worry, I get the need to cover all the bases. I've studied myself quite extensively in my pursuits, following diagrams and just generally examining where everything is. I've got a good grasp on my own anatomy just from years of studying it trying to find some kind of in. That said though, I have an intact hymen and have a history of passing out in response to even mild pain, so I've got my anxieties about breaking it. I'm certain it won't be as bad as I'm worried it'll be, though. As for clitoral stimulation, I can feel....something, but it's not good. It's just an extra-sensitive part of the body. It feels similar to my cat stepping on the back of my thigh; just nerves. Strangely enough I get the same feeling from my breasts, which makes me wonder if there's some dissonance between my body and my brain. Like it's maybe MEANT to be a good feeling, but my brain doesn't register it that way. In which case...the problem's worse than I thought, unfortunately.

I've definitely heard that expecting nothing will negatively impact me, but it's extremely difficult not to be when this has been an ongoing struggle for most of my life. My brain says, 'this won't work because nothing has ever worked'. I'll try to clear my head though, and I'll take a look at that article as well. No harm in trying something new; that's why I'm here after all.

As for the rest, yes, I've consumed quite an amount of sexual media over the years. It's always been a sort of fascination of mine - in a healthy way, of course. I'm an artist and use a lot of it to fuel my inspiration, since I make a lot of erotic art myself. I feel it's important to note that sometimes I do feel...something, when I'm watching something particularly appealing. It feels sort of like I really have to pee; lending more credence to the brain-body disconnect, since I know that's meant to be arousal, but it just registers as A Feeling and nothing more. I never do anything about it, cause I'm worried it'll frustrate me and sour my mood, and my inspiration.

Thanks for the reply! It's a huge relief just to be able to talk about this to someone.

[Mo]

Glad we could be here as a place for you to talk about all this! If it helps at all, you aren't at all alone in having this frustration. We get a lot of folks here who struggle to feel pleasure during masturbation, and it's something that I think people can feel really isolated about as it isn't always something they feel comfortable discussing. And that isolation can make the whole situation feel even worse!

One thing I do want to note about SSRIs is that they can impact feelings of arousal, but also they can impact sexual response and how sexual stimulation feels. So it could be that you're feeling more arousal now because your anxiety is better (great!), but you might also be seeing some side effects where that medication is making the actual process of masturbation feel not-so-great. Like Nicole, I had some similar side effects from this type of medication a few years back and it was frustrating, for sure. It might be worth talking about this with your doctor, but I know that switching medication can be its own frustration, so I totally understand if that's not something you want to deal with. Just mentioning it couldn't hurt, though!

I can definitely understand the difficulty in going into masturbation without that sort of "ugh why would this work when nothing works??" mindset. It's hard to get out of! I do have a couple thoughts you may find helpful, though. It sounds like you're trying to masturbate both when you're feeling aroused after waking up and at other times, do I have that right? It's pretty common for masturbation or genital contact in general to feel like nothing special when someone isn't already feeling aroused. Some people can bring on that arousal just from starting the masturbation process, but I suspect it's more common for it to only start feeling exciting if someone's already aroused before they start. So if you are trying to masturbate when you don't already feel aroused, I suspect that may be likely to make things more frustrating overall.

Also, how connected do you feel to your body in terms of experiencing physical pleasure in general? Not necessarily sexual pleasure, but do you find that you feel a sense of pleasure/connection from things like massage, dance, exercise you enjoy, tasty food, a hot bath, etc? You don't have to enjoy all of those things, of course, or even any of them, but sometimes leaning into these other ways of inhabiting a body in a pleasurable way can be a helpful starting point.

[lilikoi]

Hope it's okay to jump in! This topic spoke to me I love what Mo mentioned about additional pleasuring experiences outside of masturbation! As someone who used to have a high sex drive (with a ton of shame about it since "girls are supposed to be innocent") and has become someone with a low to no sex drive, I have been really empowered by exploring my body without the pressure or shame associated with sexual pleasure.

I wonder kitschen if there is a sensation or multiple sensations in your body, like the ear canal thing, that could make you feel pleasure worth exploring. While the idea of arousal types is definitely limiting since everyone is unique, I do appreciate the idea of a sexual blueprint that emphasizes we all express our sexual desires differently. Some of us are turned on by a world of sensations (feathers and tastes and smells). Some of us get turned on by kinks and taboo. Some of us are need an emotional, energetic type of link to get off. Maybe some people have it easy by just being turned on by their genitals but I know for me it is way more complicated than that! And I have enjoyed getting to know my body needs and desires while trying to eliminate the goal of orgasm.

It sounds like the goal of sexual pleasure is front of mind for you but in case you haven't heard this take on sexuality, wanted to share. The piece of your mind that is focused on shame is so not your fault! It is one hundred percent the society we live in which values and ascribes currency to the sexifying our bodies when we were all meant to experience pleasure in our own way!

I hope you can continue exploring yourself and your pleasure with less and less shame! No one should feel pressured to express themselves or "get off" in one way.

[Heather]

What wonderful and helpful additions, likikoi!

[kitschen]

Glad we could be here as a place for you to talk about all this! If it helps at all, you aren't at all alone in having this frustration. We get a lot of folks here who struggle to feel pleasure during masturbation, and it's something that I think people can feel really isolated about as it isn't always something they feel comfortable discussing. And that isolation can make the whole situation feel even worse!

One thing I do want to note about SSRIs is that they can impact feelings of arousal, but also they can impact sexual response and how sexual stimulation feels. So it could be that you're feeling more arousal now because your anxiety is better (great!), but you might also be seeing some side effects where that medication is making the actual process of masturbation feel not-so-great. Like Nicole, I had some similar side effects from this type of medication a few years back and it was frustrating, for sure. It might be worth talking about this with your doctor, but I know that switching medication can be its own frustration, so I totally understand if that's not something you want to deal with. Just mentioning it couldn't hurt, though!

I can definitely understand the difficulty in going into masturbation without that sort of "ugh why would this work when nothing works??" mindset. It's hard to get out of! I do have a couple thoughts you may find helpful, though. It sounds like you're trying to masturbate both when you're feeling aroused after waking up and at other times, do I have that right? It's pretty common for masturbation or genital contact in general to feel like nothing special when someone isn't already feeling aroused. Some people can bring on that arousal just from starting the masturbation process, but I suspect it's more common for it to only start feeling exciting if someone's already aroused before they start. So if you are trying to masturbate when you don't already feel aroused, I suspect that may be likely to make things more frustrating overall.

Also, how connected do you feel to your body in terms of experiencing physical pleasure in general? Not necessarily sexual pleasure, but do you find that you feel a sense of pleasure/connection from things like massage, dance, exercise you enjoy, tasty food, a hot bath, etc? You don't have to enjoy all of those things, of course, or even any of them, but sometimes leaning into these other ways of inhabiting a body in a pleasurable way can be a helpful starting point.

If all else fails I'll have a chat with my doctor about potentially swapping. I don't know if sensations were different before I started taking Lexapro simply because I never really tried anything before that point, because I didn't want to. Too busy worrying about everything, so I don't really have a basis for comparison there unfortunately. Worth a chance, though, like all things.

I have tried specifically when waking up aroused, since it's the best opportunity to try. I don't get aroused during the day because there's nothing on the daily that arouses me, since I'm asexual. Which is another problem too; people tend to say to imagine something arousing, but there's nothing like that for me. So, the only real time when it's super noticeable is when I wake up in the night from a dream my brain apparently really enjoyed. Occasionally, I've tried to do a sort of cross-reference testing; I'll find what causes those unspecial nerve ending sensations, such as clitoral contact, and try to see if they work when I'm actually aroused. So far, no dice, though. It'll just make the arousal fade away more quickly, so these days I'll just lay there and savor it while I can.

As for body connectivity, I've kind of disconnected myself from it in a couple ways because of my history of hypochondria. It was too overwhelming and terrifying to be aware of every sensation my body feels, so it was better at the time to erase them by ignoring them so long I forget they're there. I'm not sure how much of that has lingered, as I can definitely enjoy physical feelings more than I could before, but it's something to think about. I'd say my favorite physical sensation is running my hand along a completed drawing that's been colored and inked; it's very soft and feels nice.

Worth noting as well is a combination of factors that could easily impact me to this day. I mentioned being a crotch grabber as a young child, this much still stands, but I neglected to mention that my mother 'discouraged' this behavior by simply hitting me and yelling when she caught me. As a kid I tried to learn more about my body by looking at it, but she did the same thing here, telling me I shouldn't touch OR look at myself at all. To this day I'm afforded very little privacy; I'm unable to care for myself despite being 24, so I live with and depend on my mother still, who enters my room on the daily without permission and has told me she doesn't want me 'associating with men or pornography'. I don't listen to her at all, of course, but I wonder if some of her 'lessons' that my body is shameful and not to be observed or explored have subconsciously stuck with me still. She even bragged to a nurse once about me being asexual as though that means she raised me right and deserves credit, which, yeah, I'm sure I don't have to tell you lot how stupid that is.

I'm going to discuss this a little bit more with my regular therapist later today, and I'll keep updated on anything new or noteworthy. I do want to keep this going, since talking in depth for the first time really is helping.

[kitschen]

Hope it's okay to jump in! This topic spoke to me I love what Mo mentioned about additional pleasuring experiences outside of masturbation! As someone who used to have a high sex drive (with a ton of shame about it since "girls are supposed to be innocent") and has become someone with a low to no sex drive, I have been really empowered by exploring my body without the pressure or shame associated with sexual pleasure.

I wonder kitschen if there is a sensation or multiple sensations in your body, like the ear canal thing, that could make you feel pleasure worth exploring. While the idea of arousal types is definitely limiting since everyone is unique, I do appreciate the idea of a sexual blueprint that emphasizes we all express our sexual desires differently. Some of us are turned on by a world of sensations (feathers and tastes and smells). Some of us get turned on by kinks and taboo. Some of us are need an emotional, energetic type of link to get off. Maybe some people have it easy by just being turned on by their genitals but I know for me it is way more complicated than that! And I have enjoyed getting to know my body needs and desires while trying to eliminate the goal of orgasm.

It sounds like the goal of sexual pleasure is front of mind for you but in case you haven't heard this take on sexuality, wanted to share. The piece of your mind that is focused on shame is so not your fault! It is one hundred percent the society we live in which values and ascribes currency to the sexifying our bodies when we were all meant to experience pleasure in our own way!

I hope you can continue exploring yourself and your pleasure with less and less shame! No one should feel pressured to express themselves or "get off" in one way.

I do think I have gotten to know myself fairly well in the time I've spent creating art. Art has been such an outlet for me to explore topics I find interest in, be them good or bad. Since exploring art more frequently and personally, I've discovered that I really like the scent of most colognes and soaps, and a lot of taboo topics really do it for me. Not in real life, of course; purely through the medium of fiction. (Sometimes I feel bad about that one due to the Internet's idea that things you like in fiction reflect how good or bad of a person you are in real life, but this is pretty easy to shake off when I remember 1., how common kinks of this nature are, and 2., how little sense that sentiment makes, but I digress.) As for emotional connection, well...that one's not really applicable to me. I'm aromantic and have never felt a romantic connection, or a desire to get closer to any other human in that way, which is fine with me. Most, if not all of my sexual feelings come from fiction; art, writing, animation.

A lot of my art serves as a getaway. A way to portray the things I'm as of yet incapable of having or experiencing; sexual pleasure is the main one. I think I've learned a lot about myself this way, but unfortunately, it's all trapped on the paper. Maybe someday.

Oh, as of note; at one point, I think it must have been sometime around 2017 or 2018, I did manage to actually induce a bit of pleasure through friction. I'm still not sure how I did it, or what the circumstances were that were aligned, but I've tried to replicate it and have failed. So I at least do know that I can be aroused simply by contact alone. I just need to figure out the how of it.

[Carly]

Hey kitschen -- like Nicole said, what you're struggling with is something we have talked with folks a lot on the board. So much so that I'm actually starting to work on resource article all about it! There's so much we can talk through here, I'm just going to pull out one piece with this reply. Something I've passed to a couple of user who have felt similarly to you is Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation, which describes quite a few methods of masturbation. This is just a few of them. Might be helpful, might not be... just thought I should pass it on!

I love this thought experiment about what makes you feel aroused. I'm sorry if I missed this anywhere, but have you ever deliberately incorporated those elements into the times you've tried to masturbate? What would that be like?

[alightsh]

Hello! You’ve already gotten some great advice in this thread, but I just wanted to pop in and say that this is nothing to be embarrassed about and you definitely aren’t alone in this scenario; I’m 23, asexual, and experienced sexual pleasure for the very first time only a few days ago! Like you, I have previously experimented with masturbation and not gotten much out of it. Vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation with my fingers felt like something, but wasn’t really pleasurable, and I wasn’t interested in buying sex toys I wasn’t sure I’d even enjoy. So I absolutely get your frustration, because I’ve been there.


The article about DIY sex toys (which was helpfully linked above) encouraged me to try a detachable shower head for clitoral stimulation, which was the first and so far only thing to induce pleasure. I also found that the setting decreased a lot of feelings of shame, because being naked and touching your body is already a natural part of taking a shower. Also, it’s a place that you can be reasonably sure that no one will be barging in on you in the middle of it. Even if you don’t have access to a detachable shower head, I would highly recommend the shower as a place for sexual exploration if you are worried about privacy.

In any case, I mostly wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your journey to find sexual pleasure and if you ever want to talk about it with someone who has had similar experiences, let me know!

[kitschen]

Hey kitschen -- like Nicole said, what you're struggling with is something we have talked with folks a lot on the board. So much so that I'm actually starting to work on resource article all about it! There's so much we can talk through here, I'm just going to pull out one piece with this reply. Something I've passed to a couple of user who have felt similarly to you is Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation, which describes quite a few methods of masturbation. This is just a few of them. Might be helpful, might not be... just thought I should pass it on!

I love this thought experiment about what makes you feel aroused. I'm sorry if I missed this anywhere, but have you ever deliberately incorporated those elements into the times you've tried to masturbate? What would that be like?

I have, but the problem kind of lies in the fact that I'm not someone who becomes passively aroused, and a lot of methods kind of rely on that part first and foremost. That's not to say I haven't tried; I certainly have. Still, I'm sure there's methods I've missed and I would like to at least give some I've written off already another go just in case.

[kitschen]

Hello! You’ve already gotten some great advice in this thread, but I just wanted to pop in and say that this is nothing to be embarrassed about and you definitely aren’t alone in this scenario; I’m 23, asexual, and experienced sexual pleasure for the very first time only a few days ago! Like you, I have previously experimented with masturbation and not gotten much out of it. Vaginal penetration and clitoral stimulation with my fingers felt like something, but wasn’t really pleasurable, and I wasn’t interested in buying sex toys I wasn’t sure I’d even enjoy. So I absolutely get your frustration, because I’ve been there.


The article about DIY sex toys (which was helpfully linked above) encouraged me to try a detachable shower head for clitoral stimulation, which was the first and so far only thing to induce pleasure. I also found that the setting decreased a lot of feelings of shame, because being naked and touching your body is already a natural part of taking a shower. Also, it’s a place that you can be reasonably sure that no one will be barging in on you in the middle of it. Even if you don’t have access to a detachable shower head, I would highly recommend the shower as a place for sexual exploration if you are worried about privacy.

In any case, I mostly wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your journey to find sexual pleasure and if you ever want to talk about it with someone who has had similar experiences, let me know!

Now THAT'S inspiring. I've yet to talk to another ace who's had this experience; the ones I've spoken to have got this all figured out already which was incredibly demoralizing. I live in a 'poor people's apartment', so I definitely don't have a detachable showerhead, but I can probably still at least use the shower as a good exploration ground. My mother has an awful habit of just walking into rooms I'm in without knocking or asking to enter, but the shower at least has a curtain she doesn't make a habit of opening. Small mercies.

In any case, it's definitely relieving to know I'm not alone, and there are actually cases of people finding themselves a bit 'late' like I'm hoping to. On the surface I knew that was the case already, but meeting someone like that is totally different. Thanks so much for chiming in!

[nicole]

Hi kitschen!

I'm really glad that another user chimed in with their own similar experiences. Sometimes that's all someone needs! I actually recently replaced my broken showerhead. The replacement is detachable and pretty inexpensive. Of course, that may not be realistic for this situation, so I just want to remind you that the D.I.Y. Sex Toys article has some other suggestions! Also, please let us know if you need any further assistance moving forward.

[kitschen]

Update on this, I actually managed to get somewhere today! I took a lot of suggestions from this thread and while I did have to stop pretty quickly cause I got super overwhelmed, I'm way more optimistic about the future now. Genuinely, thank you all so much for all the advice and suggestions, I definitely wouldn't have gotten anywhere without them!

[Carly]

Hey kitschen -- I'm so glad to hear this! We love updates! If there's anything else you want to talk about, with this issue or anything else, we're here for you.

[alightsh]

Hi kitschen! So glad to hear you made progress and are feeling less frustrated! And feeling overwhelmed at first is totally normal, when I first found a technique that worked for me I could only do it for are few minutes at a time, and I still have to stop sometimes when I feel overwhelmed. Just take it at your own pace and figure out what works for you. Like Carly said, let us know if there is anything else you want to talk about!