Can't tell if I'm bi or gay because of a celebrity crush...

[BrianneTollison]

So, this feels awkward for me, but I'm a 17 year old girl who used to identify as lesbian, but feel that may not be accurate because of fantasies about a male celebrity. I keep having dreams where we have sex (usually him giving me oral sex before having intercourse with me, even though I don't usually recall most of it...), and sometimes fantasize about doing romantic and sexual things with him even though I don't masturbate at all really, much less to specific fantasies like being with him. I'm not sure I'm bisexual though, because he's really the only guy I have fantasies about and I don't even consider him that attractive. Also, while I know beauty is subjective and everyone has different taste, I don't have "typical" attraction to "hot" guys but fantasize about him even though he's not considered that attractive by most people (he's in his 40s, older than my parents, and I don't even think he looks that good honestly and think his girlfriend looks way better than him), which may mean I'm not really bisexual. I don't know what to think, and hope this post is well-worded and makes sense to any admins who read this because I do kind of want advice on whether or not what I feel is bizarre

[al]

Hi there BrianneTollinson,

I get what you mean! It's totally normal to have fantasies and sex dreams about the opposite sex, even if you're only attracted to people of the same sex in real life. Our fantasies and dreams aren't necessarily a good representation of our sexual orientation because they're precisely that - fantasies and dreams. In our minds, we can be sexual in ways that are only limited by our imaginations, and that's really different than our options and circumstances in real life.

All that is to say that it's totally possible for you to have those dreams and still be a lesbian. Do you find yourself interested by the thought of pursuing someone like that in real life? Have you ever had feelings like this about someone (real) of the opposite gender as you before?

[BrianneTollison]

I don't really want a relationship with him like I want a relationship with the girl I actually have a crush on, and am not really interested in pursuing someone like him at all. I've never really wanted to pursue a relationship with a male like I've wanted to be in a relationship with females, so I definitely may be gay and not really bi even if I fantasize about this guy. Also, I have other thoughts about him and his relationship with a man 16 years younger than him who appears on a TV show I really love with him where I constantly think about them in a relationship. A lot of it is because they have a very close relationship on the show, but the younger guy is married and the other guy has a girlfriend. It's not fantasies I have involving me and I don't think about this for sexual pleasure, it's like I'm writing a fanfic in my mind about them (I read and used to write fanfiction a lot), but I still am concerned constantly imagining two celebrities in a relationship is wrong, even if it is just thoughts and sometimes me joking about them together to my close friends and family.

[Sam W]

Hi Brianne,

There's no harm in playing "what if" inside your own head, even if it's about real people. As long as fantasies like that don't bleed out into the real (for instance, going to a panel at a con and telling these actors that you totally ship them, the real people not the characters, with each other) that don't have the ability to influence other people. Our fantasies are just that; a safe place to play around with ideas and daydreams and desires, even ones that could be odd or cause us problems if we brought them into real life. Does that make sense?

[BrianneTollison]

I understand, Sam W. I have a very active and creative imagination, and it's been getting more complex as I've grown up due to me learning new things. I thank you and al for your help.

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome!