Husband is not good at pleasuring me

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Tiecobb16
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Location: Wisconsin

Husband is not good at pleasuring me

Unread postby Tiecobb16 » Sun Apr 26, 2020 7:29 pm

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5, he is now 31 and I'm 27, I took his virginity. He has always had a difficult time getting and keeping an erection. He over thinks way to much sometimes.
We have visited the doctor together about it and he was given pills that he almost never takes and I really dont mind. I dont always need penetrative sex, I like foreplay.
But the problem is he is not good at it, you would think he is not trying, we lay on our sides rubbing each other most of the time his eyes are closed, if I stop touching him he stops touching me. Its almost seems like he isnt intrested so I usually stop it after awhile. I also initiate the sex most of the time and I have to lead everything.
We have only ever had penetrative sex in one position and that is me on top. If we try anything else he over thinks and loses his erection.
I really dont know what to do, I have talked to him about everything here, I've asked him to do research on how to pleasure me, hell I've even told him to watch porn and he doesnt.
I masturbated all the time to stay stated, what's sad is I know he doesnt, he even told me he didnt masturbated really before we got together. I really dont know what to do, or how to help him. This is really hitting my self conscious. I feel very undesirable.

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al
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Re: Husband is not good at pleasuring me

Unread postby al » Sun Apr 26, 2020 9:05 pm

Hi there Tiecobb16, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm sorry to hear that you've been experiencing this! I can see why not getting what you want over and over might make you feel a little bit frustrated or unfulfilled.
I do want to congratulate you on taking the steps that you have! Talking with him about the problem and suggesting resources for learning how to make you feel good in a low-stakes environment are the first two things that I was going to suggest.

You mentioned a few times that he tends to overthink things when you two are having sex, and you think that makes it difficult for him to keep an erection or do anything other than the same position with penetrative sex. Did he tell you that he overthinks things, or is that more like your interpretation of how he feels? What about when you feel like he isn't interested? Has he said things like that, or is that what you sense in his body language (like closing his eyes or not initiating)?
The reason I ask is that we sometimes get it into our heads that we know what our partners are thinking, because we know them really well. But in times like that (especially if we don't get any explicit sharing of thoughts/feelings), our brains can fill in the gaps with our own narratives of others, or even projections of our own insecurities, that aren't accurate.

I wonder also - has he spoken at all about whether or not he feels sexually satisfied? I know you said that you're usually the one to lead/initiate. Has he said anything about not wanting or not being able to have sex as frequently as you seem to want it?

When you've talked with him about this stuff, and voiced what's making you feel unfulfilled and/or unwanted, how does he respond? Other than going to the doctor with you, has he done anything (inside or outside of the bedroom) to address how this is affecting your relationship?
Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it. -Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully

Tiecobb16
newbie
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 26, 2020 7:05 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: My ability to emphasize
My primary language: English
My pronouns: She
My sexual identity and orientation: Bi
Location: Wisconsin

Re: Husband is not good at pleasuring me

Unread postby Tiecobb16 » Sun Apr 26, 2020 9:47 pm

I say he over thinks to much based off of what the doctor has told us, he is able to get an erection in a really relaxed environment like watching a movie or during his sleep so nothing is physically wrong. He has a sex drive, he gets turned on and everything pre-bed but then he kind of defaults back to what he knows, I try to express what to do but it is difficult because he is also hard of hearing so he doesnt hear everything I may say.
Afterwards he does like to try and take credit for initiating things. When I have brought up my feelings on the topic he feels bad and expresses that he does like being intimate with me. I reassure him how much I love him and how that wont change. I also always reassure him during sex when his erection fails also, because he is always apologizing.
I will say after I got pregnant and we had our first baby 6 months ago, his success rate is slightly better, I think that is from the confidence boost of getting pregnant. He seems to have a lot of self confidence issues I can tell from some of the comments he makes about himself through the day. So I dont really think talking to him about my frustrations in bed is really helping.

[line breaks added for readability by moderator]

al
not a newbie
Posts: 390
Joined: Wed Jan 13, 2016 10:17 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I make zines!
My pronouns: they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Colorado

Re: Husband is not good at pleasuring me

Unread postby al » Sun Apr 26, 2020 10:31 pm

Hmm, based on what you're saying, it sounds like self-confidence may be playing a big factor him being able to stay present and attentive during sex. Our brains are the most important organ that we use when it comes to sex and pleasure, because they regulate the chemicals and processes that allow our bodies to feel sexual arousal. (You can read all about it over at Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide!)
It's not an uncommon problem for folks to have trouble feeling aroused and engaged when they're feeling nervous or have something on their minds. I'm glad to hear that he's able to get an erection when he's feeling relaxed, and leading up to having sex.
One thing that has helped others in a position like that is finding a way to lower the stakes a little bit, or boost self-confidence. Have you ever thought about helping to guide him with your hands, or in using a vibrator/another toy that you find pleasurable?
Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it. -Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully


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