Hi boopboopboop (awesome name!) and welcome to Scarleteen.
This is not an entirely uncommon situation to be in and you are not alone. Yes, it is possible for kinky sex and sexual identity to be respectful, kind, and feminist. This is something that we strongly believe in here at Scarleteen. For me, the most basic difference between abuse and BDSM/kink is enthusiastic consent
. Consensual power imbalances and the like are entirely possible and not uncommon. I noticed that you referred to "normal stuff" and I challenge you to reconsider that label. As individuals who vary quite a bit, what's normal for me might be kinky for you. The word "normal" seems like a judgement that you're using against yourself. Does that make any sense?
There is a lot of shame to untangle here. First, I want to assure you that you have done nothing wrong and you are not a terrible person for enjoying certain types of porn content. Human sexuality is a complex thing, to put it mildly. I'm so sorry that you've been feeling like you hate yourself for so long and I'm glad you came here. I hope we can begin to help you untangle some of this. I'd like it you'd start by reading Undoing Sexual Shame
. It's okay if you need to take this piece by piece -- there is a lot here! Please let me if anything in that article rings true for you, or brings up anything.
I noticed that you're beating yourself up a bit about how you came across certain types of porn. Let's start with some of the basics of the realities about how porn works. A volunteer here recently wrote Bare Bodies: Reality Checking Mainstream Porn
and I encourage you to check this out. At the end of the linked article, there's a link for Part 2 which has even more relevant information that might be helpful for you. Ethical consumption of porn can be tricky with the internet, for sure.
Regarding BDSM and the like, here are two articles for you to read:50 Shades of BS - How to Tell the Difference Between Kink and Abuse
andWorking the Kinks Out
Whew! I threw a lot of articles at you here. If there's any part of this you'd like to focus in on, please let me know. You do not need to answer all of these questions in one message. I wanted to make sure you have enough resources to begin to sort out these feelings, individually and with us.