this is about abortion

[fading_west]

With everything else going on in this world right now I feel like this subject is not that big of a deal right now but I could use some advice.

Yesterday my older sister told me that she had an abortion. My sister is 20, I am 16, and she wanted to be honest with me and talk with me and tell me on how to take care of myself and keep an eye out for myself. A good chunk of this talk was about our sex lives, and we laughed about most of it and learned some secrets, but we also talked about her abortion and why she did it. My sister is not telling anybody else, it's only me, but she just wanted to be open with me about it and told me that I could get help from her for anything.

The advice that I need is how should I act around her? Should I be my normal self or should I give her space? Should I try and be happy and cheerful with her or should I let her have time to just breathe? If I had an abortion I think I would need some time on becoming normal again, but maybe I would just be happy that I got it done?

And now with everything going on my sister and I will be seeing each other much more often, no high school for me and no college for her. I am a little worried that some fights will occur between us, and to be truthful I am worried that her secret could be something I use against her during those fights. I am not mad at her for having an abortion, but she is my big sister, and I have always tried to get the upper hand on all those fights we have had in the past.

And I really don't want this topic to be a for or against abortion topic please. What I need right now is to know on how I should act around my sister and what I should do on helping her out if anything at all.

[Sam W]

Hi Fading_west,

It's awesome that your sister feels close enough with you to open up about her experience. Do you get the sense that the abortion was recent, or that it was something that happened awhile back and she was sharing with you as part of the bigger conversation?

Because, the simplest way to find out what she needs from you is to ask her. People experience a variety of feelings after an abortion, and what kind of support they want or need can vary as well. So if you get the sense this was recent, I think it's within bounds to ask her if there's anything she wants you to do with this information, or if there are ways she'd like you to support her.

When it comes to your worries about arguments, it may be time to make a pact with yourself that her abortion is something that is not to be touched, even in the midst of a fight. After all, she told you that in confidence, and bringing it up just to get the upper hand in a fight could end up having repercussions for your relationship long after that fight. Even when we're getting pretty heated in arguments, there are moments where we can pause what we're going to say, so making the decisions now that you will not bring the abortion up can help solidify the "nope, this does not get mentioned" idea for you. You may also find some of the advice in this article helpful, especially if you're worried there might be more arguments with the two of you both home: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics

[Amanda F]

Also, I want to add that I think it's really lovely that you are wondering how best to support your sister, fading_west. <3 Like Sam said, the best thing to do is to simply ask.

"Thank you for sharing this with me. How can I support you?"
"Is this something you want to talk about more? Do you want me to respond or just listen?"
"Do you need some extra love from me?"
"Is there anything you need from me that's different from the usual?"

[fading_west]

Thanks for the fast replies.
What my sister told me is that her abortion was last month and that it was because of a New Year's Eve party and she wasn't sure who the father was and that was the reason why she did it. Her and I are very open about our sex lives, but abortion was never something we talked about. She told me her story because she doesn't want me to end up in the same situation.
And I know she is hurting because she laughed quit and laughing is her little defense mechanism. And with me being the younger one I'm kind of at odds on whether I should be talking with her about this or only being there by your side. I think it's something that she wants to forget about but I also know it's going to take time for me to digest what she told me and to try to forget it myself.
And I promise not to bring it up during an argument. Everything changed just today and now we are both back in the house and now we are together and alone for the first time in over two years.
I was planning on having my boyfriend come over today so that him and I could hang out but I told him to hold up for a while. And my sister has never even met my boyfriend yet so I still have to do that.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

I think it still might be helpful to ask her if there's anything she wants from you in terms of support. When it comes to how to do that, I really like the examples Amanda offered above. But that way, you won't be going in circles with yourself about what to do, and if she does want support but doesn't know how to ask, you will have helped her out as well. Like I said, just like people's reasons for abortions vary, so to do their feelings about it afterwards, so you may be right that she mostly just wants to forget about this and move on.

If you end up wanting or needing to brainstorm introducing your boyfriend and your sister, that's something we can help out with as well.

[fading_west]

my sister and I were at the park a couple days ago and we talked some more about this. I did tell her that I am a good listener and would be willing to listen, all I got back was a smile but she knows I'm around if needed.

[Mo]

I'm glad you were able to talk with her a little more. Whether she opens up to you more in the future or not, I bet she appreciates knowing you're there for her.