Well, my family is basically made up of autistics. Both my parents are on the spectrum, as is my brother. But it’s a little weird to talk to your little brother about love and whatnot. He comes to me for advice, and I don’t think it should be the other way around. And honestly, I don’t feel all that comfortable talking to my Mom about romantic love or crushes. I’m still very much in the closet in real life, and part of the reason why is because I don’t think my Mom even knows that bisexuality is a thing. (I’m a cis AFAB, so I think my mom might be more comfortable talking to me about this than my dad.) Although once when I tried to explain to my Mom that I don’t get crushes, she said that she’s the same way. It didn’t really make me feel better about myself.
I don’t really have that many close friends who I’m comfortable talking about sex with either. I’m mostly close friends with boys, and I don’t think most boys my age are particularly comfortable talking to girls about love and sex if they aren’t going to have it with them. So to be honest, the most I hear about is girls my age talking about the k-pop singer they’re in love with, or the movie star who looks cute, or whatever. They don’t really go in-dept beyond saying that they find them attractive and they would like to do romantic things with them. As far as I know, a lot of the girls I know aren’t autistic either. So, there’s that.
It kind of sucks. I wish that I could get a real crush so that I don’t have to worry about being unable to relate to a good chunk of the world. In the past, I’d gotten a reputation for being stoic, weird, unpredictable, many things which denoted me as being different from other people. And honestly, even though in some ways I’d started to be proud of my weirdness, in other ways I wished I wasn’t such an alien. Because I really do want to connect with people, and I hate how removed I am from it all.
I’ll be 18 in less than a year, and I still don’t really have much of a clue what I want out of a relationship. I don’t know what sort of person I would be attracted to, or what sort of things I want to try. Despite attempts to explore through fiction, it’s not been all that successful. I have a vague idea about who I am, such as having a preference towards men, but I don’t even know what other physical or personality traits I’m attracted to. It’s kind of sad, because I don’t want to die a virgin/alone, but I don’t know what I want specifically. Especially since almost everyone seems to have their tastes figured out (they like good dancers, or people who are smart, or they find someone who wears glasses or has short hair cute). But they all seem to be lightyears ahead of me. And I hate that I’m probably going to just go for the first person who’ll show interest in me and who I can safely date in my current environment (at this point, those are the only two things I really care about) regardless of my personal feelings about them. And I hate lying to people that I have crushes. And I hate trying to force myself to develop a taste for something, only to come out empty-handed. And I hate feeling this way, because it feels like I’d been cheated. Like, I should be having butterflies in my stomach and feeling my heart flutter when someone does something. But I don’t. Not like everyone else does.