Every time someone describes how they felt like when they had a crush on someone, I feel incredibly alienated. Everyone's always described it as this overwhelming, all-consuming feeling which affects them all the time. They can't turn it off or ignore it and it's always there. They describe the feeling as terrible and great. And whenever I see my friend with crushes, they always have their phone wallpapers and icon pictures of their crushes, and have merchandise of them if they're a famous person. But, those haven't been how I felt when I have 'crushes' (if what I felt even were crushes). Like, when I have what I think is a crush, I tend to feel happy about it for a while (in a 'yes! I'm feeling something normally!' sort of way, admittedly.) But it doesn't feel overwhelming or terrible and it doesn't affect my whole life. I don't see the world through a rose-tinted lens. In fact, I had to force myself to think about a person in a desirable light, think about how a writer would describe them in a romantic novel, to even feel anything near that crush feeling.
The only reason why I think I'm bisexual is because I think that I can find sex with someone from every gender pleasurable, so long as it's consensual. It almost feels like I'm 'horny', but I don't have a specific person to think about or fantasize about. For the most part, I had been exploring my sexuality through reading explicit fanfiction and fantasizing about anime and cartoon characters. I might possibly be aromantic, but I don't know about that, because I don't mind doing romantic things with a potential partner. I'm also autistic, and I think that might affect the way I view relationships. I feel 'in-control' of my emotions, so to speak, but everyone else doesn't seem to have that same control. They just 'feel'. So I wonder if I need to have less control over my emotions and the way I feel just so that what I'm feeling can qualify as a crush.