Hardcore crush

[apronepisces]

soo, i work in a restaurant and i am part of the front of the house but sometimes i’m in the kitchen for a shift. from the first day i started, me and this guy just vibed really well together and i have a hugee crush on him. there have been a couple instances where we flirt and he even called me cute recently but i don’t know how to further the relationship more or how to tell him i like him without it messing up my work environment. also, he just turned 20 three days ago and i turn 18 in a little less than a month, so if i do anything it’ll be after i’m 18 (even telling him i like him) Help!! I don’t know what to do or how to not blatantly fawn over him at work and over the phone (snapchat)

[Sam W]

Hi apronepisces,

Getting a crush on a coworker can be tricky because, as you pointed out, if it goes sour somehow it can mess with your work environment. So when you're weighing the pros and cons of telling him about your crush, you'll definitely want to consider what working around him would be like if he turns you down (you may also want to make sure your work doesn't have rules about employees dating each other). In a more general sense, this article has a lot of advice on how to navigate having a crush: Puppy Love: The Do's & Don'ts of Crushes (With Help from a Very Small Dog)

Too, something that can help with a crush is getting to know the person better. Do you feel like you know him pretty well, or are your interactions pretty limited?

[apronepisces]

Thanks! And i think we’re both still actually getting to know each other more because i’ve only worked here a couple of months (since September) but we have plans to hang out soon and I just don’t even know how to go about making that plan come to life

[Sam W]

You're welcome! In that case, it might make the most sense to approach this situation as learning more about a potential new friend rather than gearing up to ask out a crush. As you get to know each other, you might find the crush dissipates, or that it hangs around. Is the plan to hang out a mutually suggested idea? Or did one of you suggest it and the other say something like "sure, that sounds cool?"

[apronepisces]

Yeah we both at separate times suggested hanging out

[Amanda F.]

Hi apronepisces,

Just so I understand - you both suggested it, but didn't make a solid plan yet? is that right?

If that's the case, this might be a time to bring it up again and suggest a specific day/time or event. Maybe you could say "hey, want to grab lunch on Tuesday at 12?" What do you think?

I second Sam that this is a great chance to get to know each other better first, so you can take the pressure off it being a date, but still feel excited that you'll get to spend some more time with your crush.

[apronepisces]

yeah i’m definitely willing to just get to know him and hang out with out it being a date. because i’m not even sure if i want a relationship. i kind of just want to be in his company, and i’m excited to see where things are going because yesterday we had a party at work and we talked a lot and it gave me really good energy coming from him and the situation as a whole

[Sam W]

That sounds like a good mindset to go into this with! Are there other things about this situation that you have questions about?

[apronepisces]

ummm, maybe that part of me feels like i want to hold back because i’m not ready to have someone emotionally involved with me because this situation seems like it could actually work out in my favor and it’s scary....?

[Sam W]

Okay! Can you tell me a little more about those feelings of not being ready for emotional involvement? For instance, is it mainly romantic involvement that feels scary?

[apronepisces]

Yes, the vulnerability that it involves scares me so much it’s bad

[Sam W]

Got it. Can I ask if you have trouble when it comes to feeling vulnerable with friends or family? And if not, what is it about romantic affection that makes it feel different and more intimidating?

[apronepisces]

I do have a hard time showing and feeling vulnerable to my family but not my friends. my family is just pretty judgmental and have always shown a stigma in that being weak is a bad thing.
With my friends i will be pretty vulnerable but only with a set three of them and I’m fine with that.
I think the fact that i’ve never really been pursued other than once in my life by another person romantically definitely makes all situations with romantic affection feel more intimidating. but i also think that, in this case specifically, how something might honestly come out of it is what’s most intimidating. because for a while now i’ve felt like no one ever “sees” me in romantic ways and just the fact that he’s flirting back and doing the small things he does to show interest is so new and i’m both excited and terrified of how i’ll be in this new like mind space (i’m sorry if that doesn’t make sense)

[Mo]

That makes sense to me! If you haven't experienced a lot of romantic interest or relationships, then I can understand why they might feel more intimidating or uncertain. Do you have a sense of what might make you feel a little more secure when getting to know your crush better? That might mean trying to focus on some very general getting-to-know you conversations for a good while before you start diving into deeply personal topics, or keeping your socializing time together pretty casual, so that things develop, in whatever way they develop between the two of you, at a slower pace that's easier to adjust to.

[apronepisces]

yeah that sounds doable and a good way to pace myself. i don’t even truly want to get crazy deep/personal with him yet. just being around him and laughing is what i want and really desire

[Mo]

I think that's a great plan. Focusing on fun, light interactions where you're spending time together in a low-key way sounds like the way to go for now, if you decide to get together outside of work.