Hey there, Sky. I haven't been around much on the boards because I've had a giant pile of other kinds of Scarleteen work to do that isn't letting up.
But I have noticed a pattern to your posting and such, as well as some things you've been brining up all along, that I thought I might mention to you, because I think an awareness of it -- if this is what's going on, and I think it might be -- might make a really big difference in your life.
The kind of patterns I'm talking about are:
• Expressing a level of gratitude to us here that just isn't necessary. It's nice and polite and we love a thank you, don't get me wrong! But this is also our job and what we're here to do.
• Feeling like people must be mad at you all the time, and doing a lot of circling around to try and check that they're not or reassure yourself around this.
• Feeling unseen, even when you are actively being seen.
• You've voiced that you feel a lack of control when unloading some things, or described it feeling like word vomit to you.
• What has sounded/looked like a good deal of codependence.
• Feeling like you owe people things you don't, or being willing to do things to please people -- or stop people from being unhappy with you -- that aren't in line with what you actually want or feel right about.
There's more, but the patterns I'm seeing all fall in line with one common kind of behaviour for people who have experienced any kind of trauma, called fawning. We (though less me, the next week holds even more work for me outside of direct services than the one before, g-d help me) can talk more with you about this, but I think this piece does a really great job of explaining it: https://letsqueerthingsup.com/2019/07/0 ... s-to-fawn/
Maybe you can have a read and see how you feel about it?