I wonder if it might help to remind yourself that it is very rare that any of us ever gets to be all of who we are with someone: way, way more times than not, we show most people only some of ourselves, not all, for a whole host of reasons, from our or their personal boundaries, to what does or doesn't have a place in certain environments (like work, or the bank, or the bus, etc.). Not being every part of who we are in an outward or known way with people doesn't make us fearful or not brave.
Too, the reality is that not everyone is safe for us or certain parts of who we are, and that's not about anything being wrong with us, either. It's also something that, the more marginalized someone is, the more and more people or environments they won't share all of who they are with because it just isn't safe. Obviously, the world and the people in it would be much better if everyone were safe for everyone and accepting, but that's just not how it is, and there;'s nothing wrong with us for keeping ourselves safe. When we are, it also doesn't mean we're not being ourselves: what it often means is that we are not making ourselves vulnerable in unsafe environments.
I'm heading out of work for the day, but I would like to check in with you both about where you're at when it comes to a therapist or counselor and in-person community. Over the past couple of weeks you've been here, you've brought more and more to the table that is a lot to manage -- certainly more than any person can usually manage on their own, and also more, and with more frequency and need for a kind of response that a public forum like this just can't offer -- some of which, like suicidality, managing bipolar and now entering some very different ways of thinking about or feeling gender than it sounds like you have before.
Can you give me/us a sense of where you're at with seeking out some supportive in-person community, and also with finding or getting back to a counselor/therapist who you can see regularly? I want to make sure that we're doing our best to help you seek out and find the range of the kind of supports you likely need.
One other thing I'd suggest is that you start doing some reading around some of this, if you haven't already. Our main site has a TON about some of this, particularly about gender identity and orientation. I also really like a lot of the resources that Gender Spectrum has to offer, and I think a good place to get started with is this page: https://www.genderspectrum.org/resources/teens-2/
Specifically on gender fluidity, I also really like this piece for you: https://medium.com/th-ink/what-the-heck ... 0f8b120ea9