Any tips?

[sky]

I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. I’m so sorry.

[sky]

If you all aren’t super mad at me and have more to say (please don’t say more about my depression stuff I really don’t want to hear anymore or talk about it) but I broke your boundaries so if you go to me, I understand no hard feelings. I know you all aren’t mean, so I’ll understand.

I also again would say I’m really really sorry.

I would like to hear anything you all have to say if there’s anything else

[Heather]

Hey there, sky.

I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I'm unfortunately not going to be able to come into work this afternoon due to illness. I didn't want you to think that I didn't answer you because I was angry, or think I was blowing you off.

Thank you for acknowledging you made a boundary violation. We understand, and by all means, when that isn't something someone is doing to be intentionally malicious or otherwise crummy, we are not going to be mad or hold grudges. We particularly understand how sticking boundaries can be a lot harder when a person is having mental health struggles. I'm glad you found a phone hotline you can use with our service that does have the kind of resources you need. <3

Just so you know, if you need to wait a little longer for a response for someone, we don't have staff around 24/7: I wish we could and did, but alas, we lack the staff for that. If you've been waiting a while for a reply from one of our staff, that's likely because either no one has been around, or someone around didn't feel capable or like they were the best person to answer you (or any given user/thread).

You are always welcome to post in general areas of the board and ask for feedback or support from a fellow user/community member, just so you know! I think our staff are pretty great, but so is our general community, and some of our users give some fantastic help and support themselves.

Hang in there.

[sky]

Thank you so much heather. I hope you feel better.

[sky]

I just wanted to let you know and anyone else who was involved in this (I hope I am not breaking any rules with this) but I had a plan that I was going to act on tonight, I reached out to The Trevor Project to get comfort and we ended up talking all my shift because i didn’t want to be alone.

I got home, to 2 police officers looking for me because that person called the police and then tracked my phone number and they went to my moms, and then my mom said I lived with my grandparents so they went and waited for me to get home. I sat in the back of one of the cars and talked to them a bit and said I would wanna talk to crisis because they said that they could help me more and give me resources.

After about 3 hours, I was able to leave the questioning and I am getting a call tonight just to ensure I’m breathing and then tomorrow they are going to come to my house to talk to me. As well as one of their people is going to get me insurance, like basically do the ground work for me.

I am accepting the help because of the things you’ve all said. And I realllyyyyy hope I’m not gonna get myself in trouble I just wanted to let you all know that I got help and soon I’ll be connected to my counselor and I have decided I will accept to be put on medications again.

Just a little like update.

I hope you all are doing good

[sky]

I won’t talk about my mental health anymore, if any of you wanna like ask anything that’s okay I will openly answer. But I will stop saying stuff. I’m gonna get help. And I thought you all should like know that/the situation. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t meant to like cause harm I genuinely wanted to just tell you all that a better me is gonna come, she’ll take time but she’ll be here

[Sam W]

Hi Sky,

I'm glad you've been able to connect to resources that can help you through this. As Heather mentioned, while we need to set limits around certain topics, you're always welcome to post in general areas of the board and ask for feedback or support from a fellow users, and to ask questions about topics we haven't set boundaries around. EDITED TO ADD: Keeping in mind our limits around discussing suicidality, is there something we can most help you out with right now?

[sky]

I think I am okay. There’s a lot going on since yesterday and I’m just scared and have so much anxiety. I can’t really think of anything besides what’s going on.

If there’s anything that comes up, I will ask. Thank you

[sky]

So, I wanted to get my mind off of everything so I’ve been reading a lot. I don’t think I am genderfluid. I think I am gender nonconforming. I always have identified as she/her but sometimes I just feel Butch I suppose?

Genderfluid is so confusing.

I just wanna be me but like labels make things easier but also harder. I love being a girl and I love liking girls (I know I struggle) but I just like love that I get to be one and I get the opportunity to love one.

If this makes any sense at all

[Heather]

The good news is that words we use to describe ourselves -- whether they're about gender, orientation, the shape of our bodies, our politics, whatever -- aren't anything we have to commit to in any way, or choose to use in any way we don't want to.

Like so much of who we are is fluid, so, often, are the words we use for ourselves. And just like getting to know who we are often takes a good deal of time and some trial and error, same goes with these words and how (and if) we use them.

If gender-nonconforming is the term that works best for you right now or is the one you want to try on for a while and see how it fits, go for it! If this is something that feels like it's creating stress instead of helping you, you also always get to ditch it. This is all a choice, not an obligation.

[sky]

I think I am going to just be me and not put a label on it. There’s a label on my sexuality which is queer and I like that, it makes me feel like I have the flexibility that I do feel here and there.

I just wanted to label it to be able to feel like I fit in something. I feel like I don’t belong in the lgbtq+ community sometimes and that’s the only thing I’ve found comfort in and I feel like I don’t belong. But that’s just my mind being weird and making me believe I’m not.

I’m gonna try and kinda push it aside more until I get on medication and see how I think about things and myself in a mind that’s not messed up.

Thank you for being patient with me, all of you. Your all so so intelligent, it amazes me

[Heather]

Were you able to follow up at all by looking into some of the community in your community that I linked you up to? Honestly, words alone aren't likely to do much to give us a real sense or feeling of community: if we don't actually engage with our community, we can't really feel like a part of it, you know?

[sky]

I did look at it all! I haven’t done anything with it because I’ve been super busy. And now I feel like since the situation the other day that I can’t trust anyone about anything so I don’t know if I’m gonna get out there to be involved in things

[Sam W]

If you're referring to The Trevor Project sending the police over, the truth is that that's what happens when people in a crisis care service (or many other support services) are interacting with someone who is actively suicidal. They have to take the threat to your wellbeing seriously, and that means intervening, which can include things like sending law enforcement to do things like welfare checks. It may help to think of it less like a violation of trust and more like those services taking you at your word. Crisis care services have to do that to be responsible as services (and will often say that they do so in the information on their site).

Too, if that experience is making you wary of dipping your toe into queer community spaces, it may help to remember that those spaces are not the same as a crisis care service. So, your experience with them is likely to be different.

[sky]

Yeah, Heather was absolutely right.

I haven’t talked to that girl in like a few days because I literally keep forgetting to reply or something or because I just don’t reach out. I suck at relationships of any form while I’m in this depressed headspace.

I just put it together and I literally said to myself “fuck they were right”. How do you know this kinda stuff. Like I first read it and I was thinking ‘yea ok!! I would be a great girlfriend I want cuddles and would love to be with her, they are so wrong’ and then it sunk in that damn I really am not the best headspace me currently.

And yes yes, I’m getting better with the whole trusting situation the person just wanted to help me. And instead of being mad about them not letting me act on it, I am very happy and excited for my life (I’m struggling still I just have a depressive episode currently but I’m not thinking of hurting myself) and I wrote myself a love letter about all the things I am and that I’m worthy and full of love and wonder and I can take care of myself, things like that.

Thanks for all the opinions and advice. I still feel confused with my gender but it’s a work in progress. I’m not rushing it anymore. You’ve all made me feel so much stronger in who I am as a person and you have made me feel like a normal person regarding my mental illnesses and my sexuality and my gender identity, like I’m not a freak and that’s how I’ve always felt. I hope that I continue to feel this sense of comfort with myself for like ever. I couldn’t have done literally any of this without you all, I myself am not strong enough but whatever you’ve all said has helped push me

[Heather]

You know, it is okay not to be ready for things. No one is ready for all the things all the time, especially the things that ask a whole big lot of us emotionally. There's nothing wrong with not being ready, nor with needing to do some work for ourselves before we can be in healthy, mutually beneficial intimate relationships with other people.

Honestly, I think one of the cultural ideas that dooms intimate relationships the most is the notion that it's easy and that if that's something we want, we're ready for it. I think we'd all stand to benefit by recognizing that healthy intimate relationships actually ask a LOT of everyone involved, and being ready for them is usually something we all have to work on since so many of us didn't grow up in or surrounded by healthy relationships or people. <3

I'm glad you're feeling good today and that you've benefitted from the support here. That's all great news.

[sky]

I don’t know if I can ask this because of the rules but, you said if I felt like I was you would be doing everything you could to get therapy.

Is it okay to be scared and to be not sure if anything is even wrong with me? And not want to go? Is it bad to get help? Because going back into it again I am definitely being forced but I feel like it’s shameful to need help.

I don’t have anyone to talk to that gets it.

[Heather]

Well, I certainly don't think it's shameful to need help; not professionally and not personally, either. Personally, I think therapy -- when a therapist is good and you have a good relationship with one -- is an incredible tool and and amazing support. When I can access and afford therapy, I am in therapy, myself. When I can't do one or both, I certainly feel less supported and have a harder time of things, even when my life is going well.

(I'm not sure what you mean by being forced into therapy: unless it's been court-mandated for you, that shouldn't be something that is happening. I'm not a proponent of forced therapy of any kind.)

A therapist or counselor is just someone to help us out in ways and places we're stuck, that's all. They're not there to fix us because we're broken. They're not someone we have to see because something must be wrong with us. They're just an extra, highly qualified source of help. They're also someone who is JUST there to help us, who we can talk to without feeling any sense of obligation, and who also won't have the biases or conflicts someone in our personal lives would. And if and when we are drowning in our lives in any way, as you've expressed pretty clearly you are, they are a really valuable and vital lifeline, IMHO.

But you also get to feel however you feel about it, and by all means, it's okay to have whatever feelings you have, including being scared. I hope that if you go into therapy, you'll start out by sharing those feelings so you can sort them out some with your therapist before you do anything else, or at least see what they have to say about them so you can figure out if that therapist is a good fit for you.

[sky]

What if I feel like I don’t deserve that kind of help and push?

[sky]

And it is not court mandated but I’m scared since what happened did that If I don’t go that they will legally make me go into the hospital again

[Heather]

I'm not sure who "they" is, but it sounds like therapy is a choice for you. I think it's important when things are choices for us that we tell ourselves the truth about that. Otherwise, it's very hard to actually own our choices when we make them, and that's not a great recipe for life in a whole bunch of ways, if you ask me (very much including that if we want to be able to have intimate relationships, one major criteria for those being healthy is our ability to take responsibility for ourselves, our choices and our actions).

You've been very clear -- both directly and indirectly -- that you have big issues with self-esteem and self-worth. So, I'm not surprised to hear that you feel you don't deserve help and support. Personally, I'd do my best to push through that and seek out help I needed anyway, even if I didn't feel I was worthy of it, especially if part of the help I needed was to change that way of thinking.

[sky]

Sometimes it’s hard to push through when everything in the universe says you’re not good enough.

Even you know that I’m not enough and that I’m falling apart.

I’ll try my hardest to push through

[sky]

I didn’t mean that in a rude way, if it seemed rude. Sorry. I just need to stop talking and I need to handle this all alone.

[Heather]

I didn't take it in a rude way. I recognize that it can be very hard (both per work, but also personally: to say I haven't had an easy life myself is a pretty serious understatement). But what I won't cosign is you telling me that I apparently know you're "not enough." I have not said that nor thought that. I disagree strongly with that. That's your own bad self-talk talking, not me.

I'm not going to argue with someone who says they need to or want to do something on their own: not only do I feel a bit baited by that, to be frank (that I'm supposed to say no, no you don't, you need support, even though you have said otherwise with that statement), but to engage or argue with that wouldn't be respecting your agency. By all means, if you don't want to engage here, it is 100% optional. If you do, you clearly know we're around, but I'll ask that you perhaps take some time when you respond here and a) as we've talked about, try and not bring negative self-talk, but also b) that you be a bit more mindful about how you respond here, keeping in mind that we'll take you at your word and respond based on what you say, so what words you use really matter, okay?

[sky]

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that you thought that I don’t know why I said it, but I always think that about people I tall to but I know you know what i mean. And I’m sorry If i brought anything up to make you think about past things.

I enjoy talking to you, Heather. The others too But sometimes when I ask for help and someone gives it to me in a kind manor I feel bad and feel like they in some way don’t like me or something. I don’t know.

But me trying to make what I fucked up better is probably just making me worse. I’m happy I came here for the original thing but I’m sorry to you all, that I did