How to ask about someone’s sexual health

[roxfoxreal]

Hey guys I was just wondering what would be the best way to bring up or initiate a conversation about your potential partners sexual health. I was thinking that if I were to become sexually active I’d most likely start with oral sex first. I know you can still catch STI’s from that so do you think I should ask for their history beforehand? Also what if they don’t think they have anything, should I ask them to be tested first? I’m still in highschool so I’m not sure how that would work?

[Sam W]

Hi roxfoxreal,

Yep, we recommend that people talk about things like STI status prior to being sexual together. One option is to bring it up as part of a bigger conversation where you and they are talking about if you're both ready to be sexual and what you each need to feel comfortable doing so. That could sound like, "it's really important to me that we each know our STI status before we do anything, my status is X, do you know yours?" If they think they don't have any STIs but haven't been tested, then getting tested prior to being sexual with you is a sound thing for them to do (the general recommendation is that people get tested before being sexual with a new person). Does that sound doable in terms of a conversation?

In terms of getting tested if you and they are still in high school, you can usually find local clinics that offer STI testing and can help teenage patients navigate issues like payment and privacy.

[roxfoxreal]

That does make a lot of sense. I’m just worried I might get caught up in the moment? If they “seem” clean, like no visible STI’s, and we have sex is there a lesser chance of catching something?

[Heather]

No, because it's very unusual to be able to tell someone has an STI from their genital or other physical appearance. Most of the time, most STIs don't present visible symptoms the average person could identify them with. Someone "seeming" like they don't have STIs is an idea based on common ignorance about how STIs are.

I'd say if you worry you feel like you don't have the ability to talk about sexual health and negotiate safer sex before and during being sexual with someone, it's wise to take that as a cue about your readiness, and that you probably need more time -- either in general, or with a given partner -- to build up some confidence and sexual communication comfort before you do things that carry STI risks.

By the by, someone's sexual history doesn't usually tell us much about their STI status. To know that, what we want to know is their STI testing history: have they recently been screened? For what were they screened, for only one thing specifically, or for all the STIs they could be screened for? Have they ever had an SATI? If so, was it something treatable, and if so, was it fully treated? If they have one that can't be cured by treatment, how do they manage it?

[roxfoxreal]

You’re completely right. If we can’t talk openly about sexual health then we shouldn’t be having sex. How long does it take to get tested? Will the results come in a matter of days, weeks or months?

[Heather]

How long it takes mostly will depend on if you (or whoever) already is a patient where you're getting tested, and then just how busy your doctor's office/clinic is that day. If you have to fill out new patient paperwork and other bits like that, it'll take longer. Otherwise, it generally will take about the same time or less than a general checkup takes, shorter for people with penises who don't also need speculum/bimanual exams, and a bit longer for people with vaginas where those things are part of STI screenings/sexual healthcare.

Some results can be provided same-day (like most current HIV testing, for example), others will usually come through in a couple weeks or less, mostly depending on the speed of the lab that runs the tests.