I feel like I know that attraction is really subjective and that for the most part often lies within things that we can't control (our past experiences,exes, people who have rubbed us the wrong way). But I often struggle to not conflate my own attractiveness with the lack of dating experiences and this assumption that because no one has expressed interest that I am ugly or not worth being pursued. I kept pushing off dating mainly because I wasn't sure how to meet people. I naively assumed that people would just come up to you are be interested, or that eventually, I'd meet someone in uni who would be able to connect me with someone that could be a potential partner. I ended up getting attached to people and crushing on people without having a strong understanding of who that person was. I recognize that many people learn this in high school and it makes me feel embarrassed that I was really interested and excited about people who did not feel the same way even into my 20s.
In reality, I was very shy all throughout uni and high school, made friends with mostly straight women whose friends were also straight women and ended up not connecting with anyone who could be in my dating pool (queer people and straight men). I feel a lot of shame for not making an effort especially because I really struggle with meeting people after uni. I work in retail and most of the people I work with are teenagers and middle-aged women so I find the pool of people I know to be very small. Anyway, I feel a lot of shame and just feel like seeing my friends and even random people on the street in relationships is triggering. I think with social media, it's really easy to compare yourself to other people, you see people posting their significant others or just friends finding it really easy to find partner after partner. (I know social media is just a highlight reel, but honestly, I don't think any of my good days have looked like what I've seen online lol) I keep thinking that maybe there is something wrong with me and that I'm not worthy enough to date or that no one will ever date me and that I will be single forever. I try to think about just accepting that I could be single forever and how I would construct my life if I never found a long-term partner, but I think it's coming from a place of low self-esteem rather than an empowered decision. I still get really upset, like almost crying for days straight if someone ghosts me because I see it as evidence that I am not good enough, even though I know it's not big of a deal and people have the right to lose interest for whatever reason. I just wish I could get to a place where it didn't feel so heavy on my mind and where I wouldn't instantly feel shame or want to cry when I see someone in a happy relationship.