I have identified as a gray asexual for the past several years, because I don't experience sexual attraction very often or to very many people. My husband and I dated for 2 years and got married at the beginning of this year. I have been open with him about my asexuality from the beginning. I am a Christian and chose to wait for sex until marriage due to religious reasons (my husband is a new Christian as well, while Ive been raised in very conservative Christianity my whole life). We also discussed how it would be a learning process after marriage to figure out what I'm comfortable with, and he has been cool with all of that. We also discussed his sexual history, as he has been sexually active in all his past relationships and I had not.
Recently I have been questioning whether I am bi, because I have had crushes on girls before. Being an ace makes it hard to tell if they are friend crushes or romantic ones. I dont want a relationship with anyone but him, I just want to understand myself better. I was nervous this would make my husband insecure, but last night I worked up the nerve to tell him I was questioning.
He responded by telling me he is bi! He said 95% of people he is attracted to are women, but there have been a few guys too. He had a romantic connection with a guy in the past.
On one hand I was relieved, because that means he definitely understands my questioning.
On the other hand, it hurt that we have been together almost 3 years, and had extensive conversations about sexuality and exes, and he never told me this. He has lied to me about it a few times by saying he was straight. I've been open with him from the beginning about being ace.
He said he's known since he was young, but only ever told a handful of people. I understand being nervous to tell me, because with my religious background, he was afraid I would judge him or leave him. I'm glad he finally felt comfortable to do so. It doesnt matter to me who he liked or dated in the past, or what gender they were, as long as I'm the person he wants to be with now.
It just hurts that he lied to me, because marriage is built on trust. I thought we told each other everything, and I thought I knew about all of his exes. It makes me wonder if he has lied about anything else.
This may be due to my limited understanding of bisexuality, but I also wonder if he will be content to be with me for life, or if he will want to be with a man at some point. I wonder if thats what he really wanted, but he suppressed it and went with a woman because he is not out to a lot of people. We will have more discussions about it and we will be fine, but I wondered if you had any insight or encouragement for me. I feel like my trust was broken in a way because I never thought he lied to me about anything. And I have some insecurities popping up, just like I was afraid he would with me! I hope this can bring us together more instead of making me worry.