Sorry this is such a long one! So, I’m a twenty year old virgin, I’ve had a healthy relationship with my body and masturbation since i was a teen, but for the past 3 years I've been trying to do penetration, using fingers, items, anything, i have been so wet that its basically too wet and flooded and then tried and still nothing.
The most i can do is a single finger and it fits in like it curls up, like a C, it feels tight, theres a spongy bit which i saw on another post from a few years ago and thats not my main main worry, though it was interesting to see your vagina kinda collapses in on itself when you're not using it? Which is wild and I still wanna know how that works. However back to the point on hand, i can only get one finger in, not much movement, just kinda numb? And i cant get another in coz it hurts a LOT and I'm pretty sure its my Hymen, like webbed skin at bottom and it stops me from opening up, I've tried forcing it and almost felt like cutting it multiple times because its so frustration (i wont do it, i realise thats self mutilation), but i legitimately Don't know what to do. It wont break, I'm scared and it hurts, I've tried more fingers, toys, i actually today got a proper rabbit vibrator and was like todays the day! Ive tried 3 times, nothing. I know its a slow process but Ive been trying to get this to work for 3 years, im frustrated, i want it to work and i wanna know how it feels!!
Ive talked about this to my girlfriend and she’s sort of in the same boat, except she doesn't try at all which is cool n all, I'm glad shes content, but for me and my body I'm not, i really want it to work but it wont. Im very glad though because it means she wont push it or pressure me, letting me take it at my own pace. Hymen sucks and hurts a lot, its numb, closed up and still hasn’t warmed up! I don't know what to do.
Side note: i was going to make a separate ask but thought why not keep it together. So basically I'm autistic and i have MASSIVE sensory issues, i can get overwhelmed and shut down, that can be during anything but with relationships its happened with things as simple as kissing or cuddling, I'm too busy trying to plan and panicking, i cant relax and enjoy it, not to mention i don't get much from kissing at all, it broke my girlfriends heart when i tried to explain i don't get p much anything from kissing i just feel weird and maybe even a bit uncomfortable, to much sensory stuff at once, n being numb kissing just feels a little gross?? But i still do it because i want to get better and mainly please my partner, I'm okay pushing my boundaries somewhat to make her happy and comfortable, but i just wish i could learn to take it easier and try and relax and enjoy it, and if theres any tips for how to get over autistic sensory issues a little with this stuff i would appreciate it to high heavens. Im worried ill freak when it comes to sex with my girlfriend too, we’ve talked about it, discussed, explained and gotten through that massively, but we’re going to be spending next week together and i want to try something small, but I'm worried I'm gonna get overwhelmed and have a shutdown, so please any advice would help x