Hi!
I'm so glad talking with Sam has been helpful. I wanted to pop in here and see if we can talk through some of what you're feeling.
To start, this
I don't think I'm a good person to fall in love with.
is a pretty strong statement. I'd like to challenge that. "Good" implies that there are some people in society that are 'good' at love and some that are 'bad' and will always be bad and I simply disagree. I think we are capable of love and being loved - I think it just looks different for different people. We all love in very unique ways. We show our care for others and ourselves in a variety of ways and it's possible for the way you care for others to not match up with someone else's needs but that doesn't make you a bad person to love. Specifically in relation to what you talked about, social cues and "knowing the right thing to say" is hard and does not come easily for a lot of people and that's okay!
Despite what most modern TV shows and movies say, knowing exactly what your partner needs without them needing to say anything is not fundamentally what makes a relationship work or even is what love looks like. What makes relationships strong is communication. Communicating that it might be hard for you to provide certain support and trying to brainstorm ways both of your needs can be met either by you or someone else in their life. I bet there are ways you contribute to relationships that folks who are hyperfocused on emotional intuition probably miss. Have you ever taken a moment to stop and think about all the good things you bring to relationships, romantic or not?
Have you considered bringing any of this up with your girlfriend? Being honest about the anxieties that are coming up could really help you engage in your conversation in a more similar capacity to when you were chatting before your relationships. It sounds like you've been putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform the role of "girlfriend" in a way that doesn't work with you. So of COURSE you're gonna be stressed about what to say and do. I think being honest about what you are stressed about can give you an opportuntiy to deepen your relationship. When you work through conflict or anxieties with another person you both get the chance to reimagine what your relationship looks like and how you build a strong foundation of care. Additionally, working on finding time to actually meet on video chat and see each other can only help this process.
Online relationships can be hard because they require a level of communication that might not be needed in person (or that people assume is unneeded). The reality of the matter is you cannot guess how your girlfriend is feeling and if she's uncomfortable with what you are saying ESPECIALLY if you can't even see her face. I think you've put a lot of importance on everything going smoothly but that's not necessarily something that can be achieved organically. Trying to really say, "hey, what are you thinking about?" or "It kind of feels like we are both anxious about something, can we talk about that?" can help facilitate that process to get it feeling smoother. Because you did change a component of your friendship through it becoming a relationship. It doesn't mean you can't have the same things, it just means there are expectations you are putting on yourself and maybe expectations that your girlfriend is feeling that you should talk out. Overall, I really think being transparent with where you're at could really help out. Relationships don't need to be "smooth" for them to be good. Sometimes, the clunky awkwardness of trying to figure out how to care for another person and be vulnerable with yourself, is exactly what makes a relationship thrive. Remember, this is a partnership. You don't have to go through all this alone.
You mentioned you being unsure about your identity; can you tell me more about that? What are you maybe feeling anxious about?
Additionally, it sounds like there are a lot of things creating anxiety in your life right now. Have you ever considered getting a therapist if that's something accessible to you?
Let me know what you think!
Best,
Val