Scarleteen

I’m not even attracted to him. I just wanna do some things so I’m using him to do them since he wants to do them. He’s mentioned you know whating in me and I’m like absolutely not I don’t wanna be a mom lol. I want too I said I wanted too but I can’t do that it’s too big of a risk

I’m just confused

Hi Sky,

So, when we're feeling confused or conflicted about something, that's a sign we need to pump the brakes on whatever we're doing, big time.

Too, going back to what Heather said a few posts ago, what's stopping you from only doing things when it comes to sex or dating that you feel uncomplicatedly good about? I hear you saying you want to try some sexual things, but not the ones this guy does and that you're not even attracted to him (which, so you know, is a dynamic that's going to make any sexual things you try together really, really crummy). So why not call it quits or scale back to only the things you're enthusiastically interested in?

[edited to remove an attack on yourself so I can engage with you. - H] I’m gonna block him and just delete the dating apps. I don’t wanna do anything with anyone so fuck it. I don’t care anymore I’ll be lonely the rest of my life

Is this really about going from being invested in this enough to want to post about it and talk about it to suddenly not caring about it at all, or is this about something to do with trying to work this -- maybe this specifically, maybe ANYTHING to do with sex and sexuality -- out being so confusing and frustrating that you just feel like you can't even deal?

I don’t understand what you’re saying. I just don’t want to talk anymore. I’m at my breaking point and I just don’t wanna deal with this sexuality shit or anything anymore. I give up on figuring myself out, I am gonna keep taking my meds and going to therapy and maybe things will fall into place but I’m done seeking it.

I understand. That's what I was asking about, and in that case, I think setting those limits and making those things priorities makes a whole lot of sense. You know where to find us if we can help support you in that. Hang in there, sky.

I went to therapy last night and I told her about my drinking problem it’s gotten really bad and yesterday I self harmed again and I told her and we were talking, I got about 20 mins in and I shut down completely. I didn’t make eye contact I just sat there looking at the ground or having my Face in my hands.

She talked softly to me and told me nice things and told me that I didn’t have to talk and at the end she gave me a big hug and told me I’m gonna make it she promises me. She told me that when I go to therapy every week that’s me wanting to get better and that’s me trying.

It’s like I want to feel my emotions but then when I start too I panic and shut down and dissociate. Any tips on how to stop doing that? How can I stop that. It made me so emotional talking about my drinking and my depression. I feel like I’m not making any progress

Hey there.

I agree wholeheartedly with your therapist. Just seeing this post, the honesty and responsibility in it, seeing you following through with therapy, continuing to go, continuing to be open and vulnerable there, all of this looks like a TON of progress to me. I think it’s so much easier to see from the outside than when you are in it, where it can look and feel so small and glacial, but from where I’m sitting, it really looks monumental, for real. Personally, I’m really proud of you.

I think the question you asked is best asked if your therapist. I think maybe the better conversation for here that we’re more qualified to have is how you can be more patient with yourself through this long process. We can also talk with you, if you want, about ways you can work on getting help or helping yourself with alcohol abuse.

Thank you so much oh my gosh. No one sees how hard I’m working besides her and I feel like it’s not recognized how hard it is but thank you so much for saying that. No one ever tells me their proud of me and it’s the nicest thing anyone can say to me so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So it’s like, I’m 24! I’m supposed to be young and having fun it’s just I have no self control with it. Like the other night I drank half a bottle of tequila, the few days before I had shots and a whole bottle of wine. I’ve been drunk or high a lot this week, it’s like, I don’t think I have a problem to go to meetings but I definitely have a problem and my therapist says so too but it’s like she’s stuck too lol

I absolutely see it. I know how hard it was for you to keep trying to find a therapist that worked for you, to go in the first place, and to keep going, let alone to open up. This is all really hard work, and it's extra hard for anyone who has trauma and abuse history. You're doing a LOT of heavy lifting here. I know these might look like baby steps, but they really are giant ones.

So, it sounds to me like you're clear you do have a problem, in that you're not able to be in control with substances. We aren't all the same, and we don't all come to life or anything in it with the same capacities or the same vulnerabilities, and the fact of the matter is that some of us are just more vulnerable to addiction or substance abuse than others, especially in certain states, or sometimes just overall.

I think it's tricky, that expectation that being young means doing certain things of having fun in certain kinds of ways. I mean, ideally, we get to have fun our whole lives, and often, we also have to take care of ourselves and shoulder some responsibility our whole lives, too. It's a balance no matter our age, it's just that some folks who are younger don't get hit as hard or have the same consequences short or long term if and when they get out of balance. But even that, I'd say, has a lot to do with privilege and is probably true for less regular people than anyone thinks.

12-step meetings aren't the right approach for everyone, but they are for a lot of people. Have you ever been? Is it something you'd want to check out to find out if it is?

No thank you. I’ll be okay, I’ll figure something out when my therapist thank you! I appreciate you. I hope you all stay safe tonight, happy almost new year <3

Okay. Right back at you, especially in both the happy and the safe arenas. Please take good care of yourself.

To make a long story short, a random girl kissed me last night and I thought it was going to be a peck but she started to make out with me and I panicked and pulled away because wtf lol. I didn’t hate it but I didn’t love it. I liked it more then kissing a boy but it left me confused because I feel like I should know my sexuality saying as I liked it and it was my first time kissing a girl so I’m lesbian?

Alas, just because she was a girl doesn’t mean she’s a girl you liked or had chemistry with. Would that it were so simple or easy!

Being lesbian means (for most people) you tend to feel attracted to women, not to ALL women. Just like for straight guys, for instance, that tend to be attracted to women rather than men, but that doesn’t mean all or just any women, usually it means particular women or only some.

Also, how much we like something also is going to depend on the conditions of the thing, and that’s more than someone’s gender. The conditions of this thing sound like they were not good, to boot.

I’m so sorry that your new year didn’t start out with consent. UGH.

She was just being nice it’s totally okay!

It’s nicer to say, “Can I kiss you?” first, and “Is more okay?” or something — or some nonverbal communication to make sure it’s something the other person wants.

I hear you, NYE has a bunch of weird cultural assumptions it’s okay to just caveperson-drag folks into kisses, and I think a lot of people think consent is implied as a result, but as you experienced, it’s not! How much nicer that could have been for you if it was all actually wanted. <3

I don’t know how I fuck everything up. Now I think I have a crush on my therapist. She’s so pretty, she understands me, her hugs are the best, she tells me nice things and like I feel like I wanna date her? I don’t think I do I think I might just have attachment issues but like some part of me thinks I do like her. I’m confused and I feel like I should tell her or stop going. I don’t know why I ruin everything I touch everything I ever do I ruin

Hey, Sky.

You haven’t fucked anything up here. This is really common and super normal. It happens to a lot of people when they first connect well with a therapist. I assure you, it isn’t just you, this is nowhere NEAR the first time it’s happened (maybe not even with your therapist), and this isn’t about some kind of failing on your part.

Often, this is about something called “transference.” You can look that up if you want, talk to your therapist about it, or start with this article, a pretty decent one on it and this whole issue: https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-love-wi ... what-to-do

You absolutely should not let this stop you from going, and it also absolutely is okay to tell her about this. She can help you work through it. But don’t beat yourself up, it really is okay.

I want to cry

Okay, so cry! I mean, it’s okay to do that and it’s okay to have the feelings that illicit that. And crying may be what you need for yourself.

Look, I have been dealing with some big shit in my life the last … I don’t even know now, but Saturday was literally the first day I didn’t cry in five solid months. It really is okay to cry, whatever the reason.

I just feel like I mess everything up. Having a crush on my therapist really made me start to spiral again. I’m sorry you’re going through so much, you’ve helped me out so much I wish I could put you in a bubble so nothing could hurt you

You didn't mess anything up.

For one, you don't have control over your feelings, none of us do. Two, feelings are not actions. You did not DO anything, you have just FELT things. Your feelings haven't harmed anyone, and I assure you, this really is so common, and it really is okay. I know it probably feels so precarious, and like it puts a really good thing at risk, but if *you* can just stay the course with your own dedication to your therapy, it really doesn't.

And what a deeply sweet thing to say. Thanks for saying that, that's really lovely. <3

Do I don’t need to find a new therapist?

And you’re so welcome I truly wish the best for you <3

No, you don't. Just talk to her about this. She can help you through it.

And thanks.