Just need some reassurance

[sky]

I can’t find a therapist close enough for an Uber ride I can afford that’s accepting new patients. So it looks like I stuck with my current one or I’m not in therapy at all.. that’s my options

[Carly]

Hey sky -- I'm sorry you're feeling so lost right now. For what it's worth, I think it's clear that you're trying really hard to figure some really tough stuff out and it's pretty natural this way. It can be exhausting to heal and do work on yourself, especially when you're being mindful about past habits and coping mechanisms.

Regarding your therapy options -- it's my understanding that Heather found some options for you that were in your budget and accepting new patients. Have you contacted any of those?

[sky]

Yeah they are all a far Uber away or when I called them weren’t accepting new patients or the voicemail box was full. I emailed all of them and heard nothing back. I looked even more and I can’t find anyone else. I feel stuck and I’m honestly pissed off (not at you guys) just at the fact that someone else didn’t get therapy when they needed it and then had kids and left me with all these fucking issues I didn’t ask for. I’m not strong enough for this shit. I’m just so tired.

[Carly]

I wouldn't give up just yet on the ones you haven't heard back from. Sometimes practices are just busy with clients. I would also suggest emailing again in a week if you haven't heard back. I acknowledge that even the closest taking patients might still be too far though. I'm sorry this search has been so difficult. I totally understand your frustration feeling stuck with issues you didn't ask for. I feel the same so often in my own life and how much work I have had to, too. I wish there was something I could say to alleviate that pain, but all I can say is that working on it and confronting it to the best our your ability is the best thing you can do for yourself. I think it's amazing that you have that courage.

[sky]

I don’t have the courage I’m terrified

[Carly]

I think it's possible to have the courage and also be scared! They aren't opposite ends of one spectrum. Courage doesn't always look the way we expect it to. This is a bit corny, but... I've been going through some stuff recently, and a friend shared this quote with me and it comforted me a lot: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

[sky]

Not corny, thank you <3

[sky]

Thank you for even still talking to me after I was a super asshole to you. I appreciate it. I was so worried I hurt your feelings

[Carly]

It's okay, Sky. I know that it's been really hard for you recently.

[sky]

I just tried reading all of this through and holy shit it was painful… I couldn’t do it. I’m really in so much constant hurt and denial. Wow. It’s been a longgggg few months and I’ve made literally no progress with this. It’s like I’m spending all this money and this time and Im not getting anywhere i want to go.

No matter how much you guys or my therapist tells me I still think that men showing me attention and asking for pics and sending pics is love. They spend time on ME !!! That’s so special in itself! Time is important and I know that I’m just here to get them off but they chose me and that means something! Right? I don’t believe in head over heels love, like soulmates, or marriage, I don’t believe in any of that but I do truly believe what I’ve experienced online is love even if it’s just for 10 mins, and I long for that love every single day.

You know what I mean? My quarantine is up so I’m gonna go to therapy tomorrow if I’m not beyond exhausted. I really need a session with honestly anyone. When I was sick I didn’t take my meds…. At all… so they are all out of my system which means I’m back to square one with getting back on them and battling the bad thoughts… alone!

Also, you know, I appreciate that you all understand I’ve been going through a hard time and it makes me so so happy to know I have your guys’ support but that doesn’t give me a pass to be an abusive ass!! Which is what I’ve been! I’ve said some disgusting and vulgar things/comments on here and in chat and Im truly making a cautious effort to be better with it

[sky]

It feels so shitty complaining and talking about my life with everything happening in the world..

[Heather]

Hey there, Sky. Just so you and other folks can track this, I'll catch you back in text and we can then sort out where you want to pick up on the boards for later.

[sky]

Heather told me everything. I know you all know. Let’s not talk about it. I’m not mad at Heather I’m simply just mad at the situation, I don’t know if mad is the way I feel because I’m not good at emotions but I’m definitely not happy!!

Also if anyone please wants to explain how those men didn’t love me when I did something for them please enlighten me because I offered them so much, they have to have loved me.

[Siân]

Hi sky,

I see that you have a bunch of posts in moderation, and I'm not going to let them all through, but it sounds like you might want a reminder of the boundaries we've set with you. We're glad you're here and happy to talk to you, as long as it's within our general User Guidelines plus:

- maximum 3 posts per day
- you are respectful to us
- you are respectful to YOURSELF

That means we're not letting through posts which are full of you saying loads of mean stuff about yourself, okay? I hear that you are hurting, and we can definitely talk to you about that, but the fact that you are hurting doesn't make you a bad person. The being respectful to yourself bit also covers being respectful of your queerness.

You deserve the love and care and support that you so desperately want. You deserve people who are kind to you and hold you. You're not going to find something new by looking for it in old places though. That's why doing what you can to find a good living situation, good therapy and bring good new people into your life is so important. We want to help you with those things, but ultimately you are the person who's going to do most of the actual doing. You can start the process by loving and caring for yourself, in all the really practical ways we've talked about.

In answer to your question above, about the men who didn't act out of love for you, my best explanation has two parts:

1) Love isn't something we can bargain for. We don't get love by doing things for people or trying to change ourselves to make us loveable. Sometimes we love people who don't love us back and our feelings don't change theirs. More importantly when it comes to these men, they weren't interested in love, they were motivated by much more selfish things and didn't much care who gave them what they wanted as long as they got it somewhere.

2) Love is more than a feeling, it's a thing that we do. When we are being loving we are acting in ways that nurture and support the people we love. That's not what they were doing. They were taking, not sharing or giving. When we are being loving, we are listening to what the people we love want and need - and that goes in both directions. These men were only thinking about what they wanted, not about what you wanted or needed.

Does that make sense?

[Heather]

Hey there, Sky. I see the posts in moderation from you, but we'll need you to check your email for information from our manager about current limits/asks when it comes to your use of our services here. Rachel sent you some communication about that about a week ago. Thanks. <3