Just need some reassurance
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
I just don’t understand why I’m not good enough for him to want me again. I must have sucked at making out or something
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Elise
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Glad to hear you've made your appointment, that's a really great thing to be doing and to look after your health. Watching a movie sounds like a great idea - also there is no need to talk down to yourself, sometimes things are hard and having an outside perspective, whether that's us, your therapist or another trusted person can really help. As we said, doing hook ups at this time is unlikely to achieve what you want it to, so taking time out from pursuing it should help you there. Hope you have a good and chill time watching that movie!
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Elise
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Also, seeing your other comment. In these situations, it can often be about the other person not wanting a relationship and therefore always hooking up with different people, rather than the same person, to avoid that, or for the thrill of the "new" of a different people each time. Handled the right way, this can be alright in-and-of-itself, however to be frank, it can also be handled in a really shitty way by the person wanting that, communication and respectfulness-wise.
Either way, that unless this is the expectation we have/want (and given what you've said, you've been doing this to feel wanted), it can feel like total rejection, which is what can lead to feeling worse after, even though it felt relieving at the time. It's really all about what we want from an experience and whether it will actually lead to it, hence the idea that hookups, right now, for you, seem like they won't actually be useful to what you want, as they do something different.
It may not feel like it right now, but I hope that helps you understand that this is not about you, or anything you may or may not have done. Really. I hope you enjoy that movie!
Either way, that unless this is the expectation we have/want (and given what you've said, you've been doing this to feel wanted), it can feel like total rejection, which is what can lead to feeling worse after, even though it felt relieving at the time. It's really all about what we want from an experience and whether it will actually lead to it, hence the idea that hookups, right now, for you, seem like they won't actually be useful to what you want, as they do something different.
It may not feel like it right now, but I hope that helps you understand that this is not about you, or anything you may or may not have done. Really. I hope you enjoy that movie!
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Heather
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Re: Just need some reassurance
There are so many reasons why someone might not want to hook up again after hooking up once, you'd dizzy yourself by trying to figure them out.
It could be this is how he does: he hits someone up on Tinder, hooks up once and ghosts.
It could be he only does one night stands.
It could be he's with someone and isn't supposed to be with other people and got caught.
It could be he sees person after person and doesn't like hooking up with the same person twice.
It could be he sensed you want something different than he does.
It could be that he didn't catch the same vibe you did.
It could be he's a player, full-stop.
WHO FREAKING KNOWS. But also, honestly, this guy is not the be-all end-all, he's just a Tinder rando. That you have, in your head and heart, made him into something so much bigger despite so much of his behaviour to the contrary, despite the actuality of this situation -- it was just a hookup -- is something to really look at instead of focusing on all the what-ifs about him.
Regardless of what his deal is, I think it's better to focus your sights on yourself. Look at how all this is impacting you. Look at how this is going for you. It's really clear this is not good for YOU and that this setup sucks for YOU. This is very obviously not what you need because it has had you spinning out from almost start to finish. It actually seems to be threatening a lot of the progress you have made for yourself. It has you willing to make yourself literally sick for. That's not good.
Elise and others have been giving you some good advice here. I strongly suggest you take it. <3
It could be this is how he does: he hits someone up on Tinder, hooks up once and ghosts.
It could be he only does one night stands.
It could be he's with someone and isn't supposed to be with other people and got caught.
It could be he sees person after person and doesn't like hooking up with the same person twice.
It could be he sensed you want something different than he does.
It could be that he didn't catch the same vibe you did.
It could be he's a player, full-stop.
WHO FREAKING KNOWS. But also, honestly, this guy is not the be-all end-all, he's just a Tinder rando. That you have, in your head and heart, made him into something so much bigger despite so much of his behaviour to the contrary, despite the actuality of this situation -- it was just a hookup -- is something to really look at instead of focusing on all the what-ifs about him.
Regardless of what his deal is, I think it's better to focus your sights on yourself. Look at how all this is impacting you. Look at how this is going for you. It's really clear this is not good for YOU and that this setup sucks for YOU. This is very obviously not what you need because it has had you spinning out from almost start to finish. It actually seems to be threatening a lot of the progress you have made for yourself. It has you willing to make yourself literally sick for. That's not good.
Elise and others have been giving you some good advice here. I strongly suggest you take it. <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Heather make it better 
I wish you could make it better. I wish I could stop hurting so bad. I genuinely can’t handle a life where I like women
I wish you could make it better. I wish I could stop hurting so bad. I genuinely can’t handle a life where I like women-
sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
I don’t wanna go to my appointment tomorrow, I’m embarrassed. “Yeah hey I think I have a uti from a one night stand after I waited until forever to have a connection with someone to forcing myself to be w a guy so I wasn’t gay also I think I have vaginismus because I can’t put anything up there without mass pain” like ????? What the hell
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Heather
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Okay.
So, for starters, I don't think you likely have vaginismus. You described some vaginal entry as feeling good, and that's not how vaginismus works. I think -- as you may recall from our conversation about it -- there are some obvious and common reasons why some of what you did didn't feel good for you, the usual reasons it won't for people. I'm not sure why you're leaping to this, and we can talk about it if you want, but I doubt this is an issue.
All the same, you don't have to give your healthcare provider all the background information on how you got the UTI. They don't care, and likely aren't interested and probably will not even ask for that kind of information, because it won't have anything to do with your UTI. Your UTI wouldn't be any different than if you got it from say, sex you had with some guy you had three kids with and had been married to for 20 years. It's about bacteria that gets in an orifice, and it doesn't discriminate or only happen with hookups. It happens with people with these body parts having sex, that's all.
You just need to tell them your symptoms, and what KIND of sex you had -- as in, you had manual sex. That's it, that's all. And I would strongly suggest you do go, because if and when UTIs spread, it really endangers your health, including your kidneys. At some point, you'll likely wind up having to see someone, so it's all really moot.
But this probably is also something we should file to talk about later because this is another part of being sexual with people: sexual healthcare. You know what I think about so much of this likely not being great for you and where you're at right now, but also that I respect your right to make your own choices. But in making them, I hope you consider them carefully, including what you're really up to. Sexual healthcare is part of being sexual with people if we're not doing it in a self-harming/harmful way.
So, for starters, I don't think you likely have vaginismus. You described some vaginal entry as feeling good, and that's not how vaginismus works. I think -- as you may recall from our conversation about it -- there are some obvious and common reasons why some of what you did didn't feel good for you, the usual reasons it won't for people. I'm not sure why you're leaping to this, and we can talk about it if you want, but I doubt this is an issue.
All the same, you don't have to give your healthcare provider all the background information on how you got the UTI. They don't care, and likely aren't interested and probably will not even ask for that kind of information, because it won't have anything to do with your UTI. Your UTI wouldn't be any different than if you got it from say, sex you had with some guy you had three kids with and had been married to for 20 years. It's about bacteria that gets in an orifice, and it doesn't discriminate or only happen with hookups. It happens with people with these body parts having sex, that's all.
You just need to tell them your symptoms, and what KIND of sex you had -- as in, you had manual sex. That's it, that's all. And I would strongly suggest you do go, because if and when UTIs spread, it really endangers your health, including your kidneys. At some point, you'll likely wind up having to see someone, so it's all really moot.
But this probably is also something we should file to talk about later because this is another part of being sexual with people: sexual healthcare. You know what I think about so much of this likely not being great for you and where you're at right now, but also that I respect your right to make your own choices. But in making them, I hope you consider them carefully, including what you're really up to. Sexual healthcare is part of being sexual with people if we're not doing it in a self-harming/harmful way.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Heather
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Re: Just need some reassurance
I wish I could just make this all better for you, too. You know that I do. But I also know that you have been taking steps to make it better for yourself and I while I know that it's hard and really arduous, I hope you can keep yourself on that path. If you stay on it -- without sounding like a total cliché -- it will get better, truly.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Heather
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Re: Just need some reassurance
You know I'm not letting that post out of moderation.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
He won’t even text me back but he’s looking at my Snapchat stories. I’m never putting myself back out there again. I’m pissed off and I feel used and cheap and shitty and I’m never doing this shit again and everyone is pressuring me to have sex with a woman (not you guys) but everyone in my real life is like pushing me to be with a woman because it’s different and it’s better they say. Even my therapist is making me feel pressured she’s like you’re gonna stay a virgin forever but she’s against me having sex and I called her out on it and she said that it’s my body I choose what I do but I feel pressured by everyone honestly and I wish I never told anyone I did what I did including you guys because I feel like you all just think I jumped into it which I did but I don’t regret it and yes I feel bad but I don’t wish I didn’t do it because it felt good while it lasted and I don’t know why I think I have vaginismus two fingers hurt and tampons hurt too I don’t know anymore I genuinely just don’t know I hate my body and I wish I didn’t have any issues I wish I didn’t do it with him because I wouldn’t be in this spot that I’m in now.
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Everything is just so fucking bad again. So bad and I’ve had it I’m so stressed out
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Heather
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Of course you're stressed out, this is a LOT, and both you have been putting more on yourself and by all means, it sounds like others are also putting more on you they shouldn't be.
For one, you're right: no one should be pressuring you to have sex with ANYONE. And a therapist telling anyone things like "you're going to be a virgin forever," is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. If someone wanted to not have intercourse or any kind of sex forever, for one, that's a perfectly valid choice, but a therapist also should not be putting their clear personal opinions about sex (sounds like she thinks not having sex is a problem) on clients like that. I'm glad you said something, and I really hope she took full responsibility for stepping in it like that. Please understand that's a major no-no and not the kind of thing that should be happening in therapy.
I've done my best to tell you that I have zero judgments about the choices you made with this, but it's up to you whether or not you believe me. I certainly don't think you were hasty about this: you have gone back and forth about this stuff for as long as you have been here which is quite some time now. I think it might be that you're letting some self-judgment bleed into our assessments here.
I don't think there is necessarily an issue with you sexually exploring, to be clear. You have been curious and have had a lot of questions about what you might want and trying things is often how we find that out. My concern is the headspace you're in, and your ability to protect your heart and head in this -- more from yourself than anything else, honestly, you're just so rough on yourself, Sky, look at the paces you put you through and the way you tear yourself down -- and figure out when you just don't have the resilience and other things you need for something to be safe for you.
We can talk about this some more if you like in the coming days, but for now (I have to head out), I hope you can get yourself to your healthcare appointment tomorrow, and just care for yourself tonight, both physically and emotionally. Try top be kind to yourself, please. Do what you can to try and manage that stress.
For one, you're right: no one should be pressuring you to have sex with ANYONE. And a therapist telling anyone things like "you're going to be a virgin forever," is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE. If someone wanted to not have intercourse or any kind of sex forever, for one, that's a perfectly valid choice, but a therapist also should not be putting their clear personal opinions about sex (sounds like she thinks not having sex is a problem) on clients like that. I'm glad you said something, and I really hope she took full responsibility for stepping in it like that. Please understand that's a major no-no and not the kind of thing that should be happening in therapy.
I've done my best to tell you that I have zero judgments about the choices you made with this, but it's up to you whether or not you believe me. I certainly don't think you were hasty about this: you have gone back and forth about this stuff for as long as you have been here which is quite some time now. I think it might be that you're letting some self-judgment bleed into our assessments here.
I don't think there is necessarily an issue with you sexually exploring, to be clear. You have been curious and have had a lot of questions about what you might want and trying things is often how we find that out. My concern is the headspace you're in, and your ability to protect your heart and head in this -- more from yourself than anything else, honestly, you're just so rough on yourself, Sky, look at the paces you put you through and the way you tear yourself down -- and figure out when you just don't have the resilience and other things you need for something to be safe for you.
We can talk about this some more if you like in the coming days, but for now (I have to head out), I hope you can get yourself to your healthcare appointment tomorrow, and just care for yourself tonight, both physically and emotionally. Try top be kind to yourself, please. Do what you can to try and manage that stress.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Hey heather. I’m sorry I was so aggressive yesterday. I was just lashing out. If you’re running chat today is it okay if I jump on, I wanna talk to you about some things that I don’t want everyone to see.. if you aren’t sick of me yet. If you are I understand fully
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Hey guys,
My appointment went really well, I do indeed have a uti and there was a lot of blood in my urine. She put me on some antibiotics and is also testing me for something else in my pee I don’t know what though.
I haven’t been completely honest about my situation last week. He did a lot of things I didn’t want him to do but I just went along with the situation and even though I came, I don’t think I liked the situation at all the more I think about it. I was embarrassed to tell you about how much I didn’t want but did anyways but yeah..
I’m gonna hop on chat later heather to tell you more about my appointment that I don’t want thousands of people to read lol
My appointment went really well, I do indeed have a uti and there was a lot of blood in my urine. She put me on some antibiotics and is also testing me for something else in my pee I don’t know what though.
I haven’t been completely honest about my situation last week. He did a lot of things I didn’t want him to do but I just went along with the situation and even though I came, I don’t think I liked the situation at all the more I think about it. I was embarrassed to tell you about how much I didn’t want but did anyways but yeah..
I’m gonna hop on chat later heather to tell you more about my appointment that I don’t want thousands of people to read lol
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Hi I’m back!! I’m not gonna go into detail on anything but I had a lot of self exploration happen in this past week. I’m a lot better and happier now.
I already talked to Heather today in chat about some things but I wanted to come here and sincerely apologize to Sofi, Carly and Elise (I think that’s all of you) I truly wasn’t my best self this past like month or so and I made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions and one of them being treating you all badly. I don’t know if badly is the word or if it’s even a real word but I wasn’t in a headspace where I was thinking properly.
I said things that were meant for me but came off disrespectful to you guys and I said things I wish I never said. I think so highly of all of you wonderful people and I never meant to cause any harm or bad vibes. I PROMISE I didn’t mean too. I am doing a lot better in life and I’m a lot happier now and I see things more clearly now and I realize I am a lesbian and I am not invalid, I’m not a whore or easy or a slut or any of the things I called myself. I’m me and I am worthy of a loving and healthy relationship with a woman that I love and that loves me back.
I also realize how stupid I sounded with the trying to be straight thing, I’m never going to be straight no matter how many men i hookup with I’m never going to be something I’m not. If I do ever meet a man and want to have insertive sex that’s totally valid too and I will use a condom because I deserve to be protected and if he doesn’t want to use one then I won’t have sex with him.
The being gay thing still isn’t the easiest thing for me but I’m really working on it and have made a lot of good progress and am working on my homophobia internally. I truly and wholeheartedly never meant to upset or offend any of you. I appreciate you all so much for talking to me and understanding me and dealing with my uncontrollable mood swings and my unstable emotions. I appreciate you all more then you’ll ever know and I hope you accept my apology. <3
I already talked to Heather today in chat about some things but I wanted to come here and sincerely apologize to Sofi, Carly and Elise (I think that’s all of you) I truly wasn’t my best self this past like month or so and I made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions and one of them being treating you all badly. I don’t know if badly is the word or if it’s even a real word but I wasn’t in a headspace where I was thinking properly.
I said things that were meant for me but came off disrespectful to you guys and I said things I wish I never said. I think so highly of all of you wonderful people and I never meant to cause any harm or bad vibes. I PROMISE I didn’t mean too. I am doing a lot better in life and I’m a lot happier now and I see things more clearly now and I realize I am a lesbian and I am not invalid, I’m not a whore or easy or a slut or any of the things I called myself. I’m me and I am worthy of a loving and healthy relationship with a woman that I love and that loves me back.
I also realize how stupid I sounded with the trying to be straight thing, I’m never going to be straight no matter how many men i hookup with I’m never going to be something I’m not. If I do ever meet a man and want to have insertive sex that’s totally valid too and I will use a condom because I deserve to be protected and if he doesn’t want to use one then I won’t have sex with him.
The being gay thing still isn’t the easiest thing for me but I’m really working on it and have made a lot of good progress and am working on my homophobia internally. I truly and wholeheartedly never meant to upset or offend any of you. I appreciate you all so much for talking to me and understanding me and dealing with my uncontrollable mood swings and my unstable emotions. I appreciate you all more then you’ll ever know and I hope you accept my apology. <3
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Carly
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Re: Just need some reassurance
I'm blown away by this post, sky! I admire how brave you've been in trying to confront and come to terms with all of this, and sometimes that can be really, really messy. It means a lot to me that you wanted to apologize, and I want you to know that you didn't hurt me personally. I know how difficult this has been for you, and I'm so happy that you're feeling happier and more at peace with where you are in your self-exploration.
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Also Sam!!!! I’m so sorry I forgot you. Thank you and I apologize to you too sincerely like in the message above. <3
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Also, I’m not fully sure of the term lesbian because I don’t really claim my femininity. So I think I’ll use queer so I don’t have claim being a woman. A queer who strictly likes women? Is that like gatekeeping? Idk how to identify but yeah I like women 98% and men 2% which those men are basically fictional characters or singers so I shouldn’t even count them lol. The best part is…. I feel VALID!!!!!!!! I am very feminine but I don’t feel feminine all the time I guess I would be more non binary but with more feminine but I wish I was a boy but I don’t wanna be a boy. It’s complicated lol. Not sure why I’m explaining myself but yeah
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Also, I’m not fully sure of the term lesbian because I don’t really claim my femininity. So I think I’ll use queer so I don’t have claim being a woman. A queer who strictly likes women? Is that like gatekeeping? Idk how to identify but yeah I like women 98% and men 2% which those men are basically fictional characters or singers so I shouldn’t even count them lol. The best part is…. I feel VALID!!!!!!!! I am very feminine but I don’t feel feminine all the time I guess I would be more non binary but with more feminine but I wish I was a boy but I don’t wanna be a boy. It’s complicated lol. Not sure why I’m explaining myself but yeah
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sky
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Re: Just need some reassurance
Honestly my heart is broken. I’ve wasted so many years hating myself for liking women that I’ve pushed away so many amazing and beautiful women because I couldn’t commit to the fact I was gay. I was so mean to them when I think back. I would talk to them romantically and sexually and then would tell them I wasn’t gay. Like I who does that. I feel like a terrible person. I’ve messed up so much and I’ve hurt so many people. I’d say there’s been about 50 girls I’ve talked too romantically and then ghosted or blocked or said I wasn’t gay and leave me alone. I’ve hurt myself so much by denying it for so long. I’ve known I’m queer since I was 7 and I just didn’t know how to admit it and understand it.
Something I realize is that every night I go to sleep I’m the person who has to live with myself. Not my family not my friends it’s me who deals with me and every night I lie awake hurting because I can’t accept myself. Part of why I run away so fast is because I don’t know what I’m doing, I rushed to be with that boy to learn how to make out so that I would know and honestly it was messy and not very good but I still slightly enjoyed it but I feel like it’ll be better once I have a connection with someone or am actually attracted to them. But I don’t know how to do things sexually and my friends say mirror what I like but I don’t really do things with myself because of guilt and I have watched homemade lesbian porn but everyone says that it’s not real or accurate. So I’m really at a loss on that aspect and it’s like everyone my age has experienced it so I’m just behind and it makes me even more upset because I feel behind.
I feel like my life has been in fog forever and I’m finally seeing now. It’s a lot to grasp. Tonight I had a bunch of trauma come up that I had to push down again which was very hard to do but I did it. I’m just trying to understand myself and accept myself and not feel like I’m broken for something I love and enjoy.
I genuinely can’t explain how much I want I want a girlfriend. I’ve dreamed of it for so long but always dated men even in middle school I came out to my best friends as gay and still dated men and never let them touch me and if they even hugged me I would break up with them (that’s totally normal hahahaha)
If I never had to see a penis I would be so grateful but I feel like I owe society if that makes sense. Society is so Heteroromantic it’s like engraved in your brain that you should be with a man if you’re a woman but I’m not even a woman so fuck society.
I’m sorry this was a novel I just like have so much in my brain since I’m out of the fog and it’s coming at me so fast and I don’t have anyone to talk to who gets it. I have my big brother but he’s just so damn supportive with everything I do that he can’t ever give advice lol.
Something I realize is that every night I go to sleep I’m the person who has to live with myself. Not my family not my friends it’s me who deals with me and every night I lie awake hurting because I can’t accept myself. Part of why I run away so fast is because I don’t know what I’m doing, I rushed to be with that boy to learn how to make out so that I would know and honestly it was messy and not very good but I still slightly enjoyed it but I feel like it’ll be better once I have a connection with someone or am actually attracted to them. But I don’t know how to do things sexually and my friends say mirror what I like but I don’t really do things with myself because of guilt and I have watched homemade lesbian porn but everyone says that it’s not real or accurate. So I’m really at a loss on that aspect and it’s like everyone my age has experienced it so I’m just behind and it makes me even more upset because I feel behind.
I feel like my life has been in fog forever and I’m finally seeing now. It’s a lot to grasp. Tonight I had a bunch of trauma come up that I had to push down again which was very hard to do but I did it. I’m just trying to understand myself and accept myself and not feel like I’m broken for something I love and enjoy.
I genuinely can’t explain how much I want I want a girlfriend. I’ve dreamed of it for so long but always dated men even in middle school I came out to my best friends as gay and still dated men and never let them touch me and if they even hugged me I would break up with them (that’s totally normal hahahaha)
If I never had to see a penis I would be so grateful but I feel like I owe society if that makes sense. Society is so Heteroromantic it’s like engraved in your brain that you should be with a man if you’re a woman but I’m not even a woman so fuck society.
I’m sorry this was a novel I just like have so much in my brain since I’m out of the fog and it’s coming at me so fast and I don’t have anyone to talk to who gets it. I have my big brother but he’s just so damn supportive with everything I do that he can’t ever give advice lol.
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Siân
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 785
- Joined: Tue Jul 04, 2017 6:10 am
- Age: 34
- Awesomeness Quotient: I ask ALLLLL the questions
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: Figuring it out
- Location: UK
Re: Just need some reassurance
Hi sky,
The wonderful thing about the word queer is that it's so big there's room in it for all kinds of things - being a queer person who is only or mostly interested in dating women sound is definitely one thing that queer can mean. It also has space in it for all those complex feelings about your gender, and the blend of feminineness, boyness and non-binaryness you're talking about.
I can see why as you get more comfortable with your own identity you'd feel some grief for your past self, or the sense of wasted time or opportunities. What happens if you try and be a bit forgiving of yourself, and understand you were doing the best you could with the tools you had at the time? Nobody's perfect, but when I look back at mistakes I've made, I find it easier if I'm a little forgiving and think about what I learnt and how I can avoid the same mistakes in the future. Does that make sense?
A good example for you might be that you know you've tried to force yourself to deny your sexuality in the past, and you have some regret about that. What have you learnt about what you'd like to do differently in those situations in the future?
The wonderful thing about the word queer is that it's so big there's room in it for all kinds of things - being a queer person who is only or mostly interested in dating women sound is definitely one thing that queer can mean. It also has space in it for all those complex feelings about your gender, and the blend of feminineness, boyness and non-binaryness you're talking about.
I can see why as you get more comfortable with your own identity you'd feel some grief for your past self, or the sense of wasted time or opportunities. What happens if you try and be a bit forgiving of yourself, and understand you were doing the best you could with the tools you had at the time? Nobody's perfect, but when I look back at mistakes I've made, I find it easier if I'm a little forgiving and think about what I learnt and how I can avoid the same mistakes in the future. Does that make sense?
A good example for you might be that you know you've tried to force yourself to deny your sexuality in the past, and you have some regret about that. What have you learnt about what you'd like to do differently in those situations in the future?
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sky
- not a newbie
- Posts: 586
- Joined: Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:15 am
- Age: 26
- Pronouns: They/them
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: n/a
Re: Just need some reassurance
Hi! Thank you! I learned that I can’t keep running away from my feelings. I’m queer and I’m only hurting myself from not respecting it. I think I figured out my identity I think I am non binary and queer. I don’t wanna find anyone right now though I kinda gave up really on trying to find a significant other because I still have so much healing to do and I’m on the right path but I’m not anywhere near healed or even ready to date or hookup or casually date. If that makes sense
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Elise
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Tue Jun 09, 2020 4:44 am
- Age: 33
- Primary language: English
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: bisexual/queer
- Location: Narrm/Melbourne
Re: Just need some reassurance
Hi sky, I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling much better and in a better place. Also please don't feel guilty about the last month, I could tell that you were in a lot of distress that was really difficult to cope with and can be really hard to see things clearly, it's so wonderful that through that you found supports to help yourself to get to where you are, which takes a lot of personal strength. I wholeheartedly second Siân suggestion to acknowledge what you wished you had done differently through a lens of forgiveness and understanding of where you were at the time; it can take time to accept that sense of self-compassion fully and it is a part of the healing you describe.
It also sounds like you have a sense that focusing on yourself and your healing is where you need to direct your energy right now, which sounds like an excellent idea.
I was thinking you might like some gentle queer media? Things that celebrate people with identities like yourself, or maybe explore your identity, and not all of them even have to have any or much sex at all, but just really cool queer people and characters? If so, we have some good recommendations, which you can dip in and out of whenever you might feel like, at whatever pace:
It also sounds like you have a sense that focusing on yourself and your healing is where you need to direct your energy right now, which sounds like an excellent idea.
I was thinking you might like some gentle queer media? Things that celebrate people with identities like yourself, or maybe explore your identity, and not all of them even have to have any or much sex at all, but just really cool queer people and characters? If so, we have some good recommendations, which you can dip in and out of whenever you might feel like, at whatever pace:
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sky
- not a newbie
- Posts: 586
- Joined: Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:15 am
- Age: 26
- Pronouns: They/them
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: n/a
Re: Just need some reassurance
Thank you for understanding Elise!
I don’t know if I’m ready for queer media just yet. I’m still struggling internally work my sexuality. I’m still pretty homophobic. It’s gotten a lot better but if’s still there and the thought of watching something queer because krs queer really just isn’t in the cards right now. Maybe once I heal more.
I don’t know if I’m ready for queer media just yet. I’m still struggling internally work my sexuality. I’m still pretty homophobic. It’s gotten a lot better but if’s still there and the thought of watching something queer because krs queer really just isn’t in the cards right now. Maybe once I heal more.
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Sofi
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
- Posts: 452
- Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2020 12:23 pm
- Awesomeness Quotient: I make my own nail art!
- Primary language: Spanish or English
- Pronouns: she/they
- Sexual identity: Queer
- Location: USA
Re: Just need some reassurance
Hi sky! That's totally understandable, I'm actually impressed with your self-awareness and that you can recognize that you're not ready yet. Take your time, heal, and don't feel rushed to take a new step - this is YOUR journey. The suggestions given above are wonderful, so keep them close for when you're ready. I also wanted to say I absolutely accept your apology and you didn't hurt my feelings either, I understood what you were going through and was glad to talk to you (still am <3)
So happy you're doing better and feeling more 'yourself'.
So happy you're doing better and feeling more 'yourself'.