Just need some reassurance

[sky]

Thank you Sofi!!!! I appreciate you so much. I’m still very much struggling but I’m doing so much better I don’t hate myself or feel broken anymore for liking girls but I still resent it a bit. But I’m healing. I’m going through a lot in my personal life right now and I am in a living environment where I have to be a girl and I feel like I have to date boys. It’s hard and im working on getting out of it soon. Also I can’t have any type of stressors without immediately going to tinder to find guys to give me attention because I want to feel something so badly. If that makes sense. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life but I made it through and I didn’t do things with men as much as I wanted too, I didn’t do it

[sky]

I’m feeling so insecure. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to be loved. I feel like no girls wants a virgin but men are like obsessed with it so I feel like I should just be with men even though I know I don’t/won’t like it. My heart is sad

[Carly]

Hey sky -- it sounds like you had a hard day. I want to remind you of some stuff you said when you were feeling happier:

I am doing a lot better in life and I’m a lot happier now and I see things more clearly now and I realize I am a lesbian and I am not invalid, I’m not a whore or easy or a slut or any of the things I called myself. I’m me and I am worthy of a loving and healthy relationship with a woman that I love and that loves me back.

I’m never going to be straight no matter how many men i hookup with I’m never going to be something I’m not.

The being gay thing still isn’t the easiest thing for me but I’m really working on it and have made a lot of good progress...

What has changed since you made the post where I got those affirmations and assertions from? To me, it sounds like feeling insecure and worried about having a queer relationship made you want to be straight. Being with men is not easier for you, Sky. I know that identifying as queer has taken a lot out of you too, but doing something that seems easier is not the way to live authentically and happily. I think what you said about women not wanting to be with virgins is a huge assumption. Someone who wants to be with you will be kind and patient and willing to explore your sexuality with you. As you said yourself, you deserve that.

[sky]

I wasn’t gonna come back but I just wanna say, don’t use my own words against me

[sky]

Honestly. I’m angry. I know I go back and forth all the time with my identity but I don’t know I genuinely don’t know what I am. Yeah I like women but I don’t want too. I refuse to accept myself. I feel like you guys just force me to be queer and push me to queer things and I just don’t like it. I’m on that app heather mentioned to me where you can meet queer friends and I’m talking to them on there and reading all kinds of things people write and I just don’t fit in with them. I’m not queer enough. I’m not non binary enough. I’m not enough. I’m so frustrated I keep wanting to leave here but then you guys say something else that makes me feel like it’s okay to be queer and it’s not okay for me. It’s okay for you guys and I’m different because I just am. I’m so fucking mad at myself for feeling these things I’m literally shaking. I thought I was healing but I’m not. I’m back to square one again. Fucking shit I hate this

[sky]

I met a trans man online and sexted him and then blocked him because he’s trans so that makes it a queer relationship. I’m so stupid I genuinely am losing my shit

[sky]

I’m just really sorry for talking here so much

[Heather]

Hey, Sky.

I'm going to start by doing something you asked me to do for you in chat. I'm going to let you know that it's clear something's very off again, and that you should get in touch with your mental health team.

No one here is forcing you to be any orientation. People here -- our users, our staff and volunteers -- are an array of orientations and identities, and we accept and embrace all of them gladly. We aren't invested in you being any given orientation, that's you with that investment.

I do however, think i's very clear that conversations about your identity here are not currently beneficial. It feels very much like we are in a loop that just will not stop curling over and over itself. You'll get to a place where you say that you're gay and you accept yourself and seek our support in that, we give it to you, and in a relatively short period of time, things flip and you're effectively yelling at us, yourself and anyone that you're straight and often become self-destructive in some way around it, whether it's about negative thoughts, self-sabotage of some kind, or some kind of self-harm. Flatly, at this point I'm concerned that having these conversations in a non-therapeutic environment may not only not be good for you, but may not actually be safe.

So, for the time being, I'm going to put a moratorium on them here. We're not going to have discussions about how you may or may not identify yourself when it comes to your sexual orientation here until or unless things look really different over a considerable period of time. I strongly encourage you to bring these feelings to your mental health team, however. Because you are enough in every way, and you deserve care and support in this in an environment that's safe for you to explore it in.

You're still absolutely welcome to be here and use the services here, but within that and other previously set limits. <3

[sky]

I’m literally taking my meds. As prescribed. Somethings off but I’m doing what I need to be doing so I don’t know what to tell you so I will just go away until I get better if that ever happens

[Heather]

My best suggestion would be to talk to your mental health team.

I don't suspect your medication is likely to tackle this particular issue all by itself, and maybe not even at all, save helping some with how you react to it. But regardless, I would let them know what you've observed yourself in this thread, that the progress you made in inpatient, including the positivity you felt, seems to be reversing itself very quickly, maybe show them this thread to give them a sense if that makes it easier, and see what they suggest.

Per what you do with your participation here, that's entirely up to you and what you feel is best for you.

[sky]

I’m sorry for yelling at you Carly

[sky]

I really honestly from the bottom of my heart don’t mean to be rude or anything like that. I just get so angry at myself sometimes and my anger comes out as disrespect and I promise I don’t mean too. I’m sorry I have to apologize every time I turn around here because I’m just so upset and miserable I’m genuinely so unhappy again.

Also heather I battled my mind and I went to the interview! I’ll find out by tomorrow if I got the job or not

[Heather]

We really understand, and we also know that. We also know how much you're struggling and with how much.

I'm so glad that you went, that's a great step! All my fingers crossed.

[sky]

I just wish I could accept myself it’s just so hard. I’m so depressed I’m so hopeless in my life.

[Heather]

I can certainly understand why you feel that way so much of the time. Between the mental illnesses you have to grapple with and both your past and present life conditions, there is so much cause for feeling that way.

There are, however, times when you're better than other times, and one place I'd suggest starting is with starting a log of the good and bad times. When you notice you're in them, see if you can't just take a second to jot down some very quick notes about the external conditions around those things: where were you at the time? Who was with you? What were you doing? I use the notes app in my phone for a bunch of quick logging of things: something like that for this, or a calendar function, could be perfect.

I think if you can do that, at the very least, you can start finding out about some patterns in and around both the good and the bad times so that you can start having a bit more control around them, and have a better sense of what you can do to amp up the good feelings and prevent or diminish the downward spirals.

I'd also put in a strong vote for making a long-term plan to get yourself into better life conditions. Like I was saying in chat the other day, sometimes even just having a plan and making moves towards and end goal can go a long way at getting us through current conditions, like a given living situation, that suck.

And again, do please reach out to your mental health team. And in the event that any of them aren't working for you (for instance, I know you were having an issue when you were in severe distress before the intake we worked out together or your therapist responding to you), have a conversation. You've taken big steps at starting to pull a team together, it may be that it might also be time to start fine-tuning. <3

[sky]

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!

[Sam W]

Sky,

I wanted to let you know that we're seeing everything that's been left in moderation, but we'd like to talk with you about all this on chat when it's convenient for you, rather than letting any posts through moderation right now.

[sky]

I’m realizing that I’m literally traumatized. I’m so beyond traumatized I can’t even function like a normal person.

[Heather]

Hey there, Sky. I'd still like to finish our conversation from yesterday on Thursday, as planned, but I feel like it's okay to talk a little about this here.

We've talked about this before, about you and trauma. I concur, as I have said before, that you have trauma and are traumatized. I disagree with the idea that "normal" people have one way of functioning or that it isn't normal to be traumatized, particularly given how very, very many of us in the world are and have been, but that feels a little beside the point.

I'm certain this has come up in your mental health treatment recently or in the past. What has been suggested when it comes to processing and learning to manage your trauma? What methods have you tried so far? What don't you want to? What are you curious about that you haven't? What are you currently doing in therapy around your trauma: anything?

Do you want to talk about what troubles with functioning have you in the most distress right now? About how to get help with that in your daily life, even when the people you live with aren't helpful (or even cue your trauma)?

[sky]

Honestly I don’t talk about my trauma ever in therapy, I don’t know how. I minimize it constantly and then I have moments where I’m like holy shit I’m traumatized. My life’s been traumatic!!!!! I didn’t know!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m mad

[Heather]

Well, we've talked about this over the years you've been here, you and I, so it's not brand-new news.

It's also not supposed to be on you as a patient to have to bring up trauma as something that needs to be addressed. If your therapist(s) has done even a semi-thorough intake session, they know you have trauma, so *they* should be addressing it and the ways it's manifesting for you. For instance, when you minimize it, that's something a therapist should be looking at and working with with you.

Is it something you feel able to bring up and ask about, making clear you need help with it?

[sky]

I don’t know if this is allowed but I think it’s okay! So I’m gonna ask.

What’s ways to have intimacy that don’t involve kissing or sex? I know like hand holding and cuddling but I’m not sure how to do those things and they just seem awkward to me but I crave intimacy so badly but I don’t know how to accept it because I’m so awkward lol.

It’s just I met someone and I refuse to have sex immediately because I’m simply not ready for that but we want to be close and we’re both kinda at a loss because we’re both so used to having to be overly sexual to compensate for the other person involved so like yeah. Any non sexual close tips would be so greatly appreciated

[sky]

Also preferably nothing where I would have to be naked either, like a shower with said person is out of the question

[sky]

Never mind I guess. She doesn’t wanna do any of that with me anymore because “relationships lead to sex” and I’m not comfortable with sex right now (she’s trans). She’s not comfortable either she literally told me she hates her genitalia but now shes frustrated I won’t have sex with her.

Where is this person you all say exists that will be patient with me and explore with me because I’m on Lex, tinder, bumble, been on ok Cupid too and literally no one has been nice to me. On Lex I’m told constantly I’m too femme and they don’t want me which is hard and I’m constantly misgendered when my pronouns were they/them. People called me girl constantly even though my name is gender neutral. When I tell them I’m not a girl they get weird. It’s not a hard concept.

You all say someone’s out there for me and I literally can’t find her no matter how much I seek and it’s painful to be misgendered and taken down by my looks because I’m not able to look the way I feel because family, work and money.

[Sofi]

Hi, sky. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out with the person you were talking to, and you're feeling like someone who will love and accept you for who you are isn't out there. Truth is, I don't know where they are, or when you'll meet them, but we aren't lying when we say there are people out there that will accept you and be patient with you. It takes some patience (I know, right, the irony) to find them, but you also have to be ready. I'd be glad to still give you some suggestions for finding ways to be intimate without sex or kissing, that way we can get ahead of that for the next person you like. Would that be okay, or do you want to just get on chat?