I am a 23 year old girl who has never been in a relationship or had sex. Since I finished middle school I have realised that I am not straight, as my first crush on someone was on a girl. I call myself bisexual, although I can't fully understand my sexual orientation. Sometimes I think I am gay, sometimes even straight.
For eight years I have known a girl who is my best friend. In the last two years something has changed between us. Our relationship is deep, we understand each other completely, we love each other, we confide everything in each other, we even call each other soul mates, we talk about the future, we talk about living together. But... We've never talked about sex. Until yesterday. She asked me if we could try to have a sexual relationship and I said yes. But now I'm confused. I'm terrified. What if I'm not sexually attracted to her? What if I'm straight? What if I can never get used to seeing her that way? I mean our relationship has always been platonic, so maybe it's hard to turn it into something sexual overnight? What if I screw it up and lose the most important person in my life? I have crazy anxiety. I'm a very insecure person and I don't like my body. What if I disgust her?
When I'm with her I always want to be close to her, I want to take her hand, caress her, hug her, I make excuses to touch her, and I feel our contact as if it were "amplified". But... I don't think it's really sexual attraction? Or is it? Am I just holding back? Am I just trying to escape? Is it internalized homophobia I feel? Am I in denial?