I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, we are in a serious relationship and live together, both late 20s.
We get on very well, but early on in the relationship he did something that really upset me. If it wasn't for the fact that I hadn't drawn a clear line in the beginning of the relationship (so it was partly my fault), it would have been a deal breaker. I don't want to get into too much detail about what it was.
After he did what he did early relationship, I was practically heart broken. It caused a huge premature rift in our relationship particularly in the trust. Ever since then, we've been 'moving on' and we have genuinely had beautiful moments and a deep connection. Anyone who knew us or saw us in real life would say they can't imagine us with anyone else. It's difficult for me to write this in my current state, but normally we are always laughing, we share the same views, we still have chemistry and attraction, we have respect and appreciation for one another, and on top of that he has even started to see a therapist to improve communication within our relationship. He is so mature, devoted, genuine. Our relationship as it is, couldn't be better and not only that but it is improving.
But this thing from early in our relationship, despite him changing it, haunts me. While normally I can push it down, I no longer feel like I can do that. When it bubbles up to the surface (I have learned to let it do what it needs to do) it tends to go away on its own, and the talks we've had over the years about it (he is supportive and always open to talk about it with me) have continued to make sense to me and make me able to see beyond it. But when it bubbled up this last time, it seems nothing from our talks helps anymore. Nothing I tell myself, nothing he can say, because the fact was for me it happened and I don't know how to accept that as part of my past or part of my story. If I cannot move past it, it virtually changes how I feel about him, it ruins it all. But I just can't.
The reason I am writing is, I am confused. I logically know that the thing was in the past, on top of that he has changed and has never done such a thing since, but I can't seem to reconcile that it happened at all, it changes the way I feel about him. While it wasn't cheating, I feel betrayed every time I think about it, it hurts.
I've heard many times that it should be a positive that someone changes, I'm also someone who is interested in buddhist thought and spirituality, and psychology, so I know that the present is more important and all that stuff. But I can't stop feeling like that past matters, and I don't know how to just feel like it belongs in the past and can stay there? He isn't the same person as he was then, but it feels like I can't force myself to feel that way anymore. It bothers me more than anything that it happened at all.
I'm also asking this because, just as strongly, I know that I want to be with him and that he is such a good person, and that if this were out of the picture, he would be the one for me. I am struggling with the ambivalence, the cognitive dissonance, and I am tired of having to fight my mind so that I can love him (in the verb sense, because I do love him) and not feel the way I feel when I remember it. Which is betrayed.
(I just want to clarify that this thing happened in the beginning 6 months of our relationship. Since we've been together almost 5 years, it is such a small portion of our time together, which is why it makes me more confused why the feeling doesn't 'lessen' as time goes by) please help...