Hi there Rubix,
I'm glad to hear that Sam's advice and talking to your gender therapist have already been helpful to you
. Also, I hear you that it can be frustrating when you want to try something that you have heard is pleasurable so much, but that it might take a while to get there. However, this is a really normal for lots of folks, and it is important to have patience with yourself. As you've probably read, your most important sex organ is your brain, and putting yourself under stress or pressure to achieve an orgasm will work against you in that sense. Also, it is worth noting It may take some time experimenting with different sensations and what you enjoy about them before any of them may bring you to orgasm, if that makes sense? Whilst this may sound a bit tiresome, as orgasm is a short part of solo or partnered sex, so trying to see what you enjoy and going with the flow of it is a great mind frame to try and maintain in this self-exploration.
In terms of humping pillows safely, as long as you listen to your body and change things up position or intensity wise or take a break if you're feeling discomfort, this can be a great gentle way to explore masturbating. In terms of wearing underwear, this also is a great idea and many people prefer this indirect stimulation through fabric. You may find that wearing underwear is that is well fitting or snug might help to avoid any unwanted friction caused by any loose fabric bunching up, so feel free to experiment with that and the various styles you own.
With regards to trying a vibrator and having privacy whilst doing so, there are some things that you can do to assist with that too:
- When it comes to buying your own, do you have your own debit card or paypal or similar since you are over 18? Many stores that specialise in sex toys offer unbranded and discrete packaging as default for their customers, and you can usually find this information in their 'shipping' or 'FAQ' pages.
- If you are concerned about the privacy of your mail, even if its contents and the sender are unmarked, and/or are not in a position to buy a vibrator yourself, or you'd like to experiment with vibrations before investing in a specific toy, we have a guide to safely making your own using household objects here: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition
- In terms of privacy of storage, do you have your own room? This will make it easier, but in any case, think of a place to keep it where your Mum or siblings don't go into, like a clothes drawer or other place you store items that only you access. Many vibrators these days are very discrete sizes and shapes, and usually come with a nice pouch you can keep it in too.
- In terms of sound, you also have some options here: you can try using it when others in the household are out, playing music in your room, using it in the bathroom with the shower on (whilst wearing some bikini bottoms). Also, you can combine the pillow with the vibrator, by putting the vibrator inside the case and/or under it. Doing this will not only disperse the vibrations across the pillow (turning it into a vibrating pillow), it will also dampen the sound of the motor. We have some more tips on managing privacy whilst masturbating in this article: How can I masturbate without my parents knowing?
- Finally, if you're in a financial position to buy a vibrator, you can also find models that have been designed to be quiet, and can read reviews to get an idea of how "quiet" this is. Here is a link to a couple that you might like as some examples to get you started. These two are designed for external use, are a good style for those starting out due to their versatility and that they have variable intensity settings and aren't super intense like a "wand" kind can be. They are small enough for discrete storage, so a potentially good first form factor to consider when you're looking around:
This is a lot of information at once, so please feel free to read and consider this in all your own time. It may be good to try these things slowly, rather than get everything all at once, as you may need to give yourself time and patience to try different things a few times, and take breaks from trying everything out along the way, rather than quickly trying all the things in a hope that one is going to immediately work, if that makes sense?
As with other aspects of sexuality, there is no "one size fits all" solution. If some or any of these next ideas you try don't bring pleasure, comfort or both to you, don't worry, do other things that bring you those things instead and you can always come back to this another day, or week, or later. There is a reason why there are many kinds of ways to masturbate, and we may or may not respond to different things in different ways throughout our lives. I hope this helps and look forward to hearing your thoughts!