Feel like I was used

Any questions or discussions that you ONLY want to discuss with our staff or volunteers.
(Users: please do not reply to other users here.)
OtherAngel
not a newbie
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2021 4:33 pm
Age: 15
Awesomeness Quotient: I enjoy me
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: Her
Location: Texas

Feel like I was used

Unread post by OtherAngel »

I know what I did wasn't wrong but now that I know the truth I feel like I should have known better. I had sex with a family friend, I barely knew him but he was the only one in this group that was my age and we hanged out together for a few days and on day three I had sex with him. I am currently not in a relationship, I knew he was going to be just a one-time thing, but I felt like it was okay because I liked him and he liked me and we both knew we were only having fun together.
What I never did ask was that if he was in a relationship. I never did ask if he had a girlfriend. And the way that we were playing together for those few days I thought that that he was in no relationship at all.
I look at his Facebook page yesterday and I found photos of him and his girlfriend. She is in a relationship with her, and there are a couple photos that were added after him and I had sex together.
Should I feel used? Should I be mad? Should I go against him and tell his girlfriend that I had sex with him? Should I be mad at myself for not asking if he was in a relationship?
I'm not happy. I know it was a one-time thing and I know I was okay with what I did at the time, but in my heart I believe that he cheated on his girlfriend and his girlfriend should know the truth.
Am I taking this way out of proportion?
Another thing I wasn't happy with was when he said he didn't like using a condom and when he told me that skin to skin felt better. I always carry a condom on me for those just in case moments, but he tried to act like he didn't like it. It nearly killed the moment but got we made it work. He isn't the first boy who tried that with me, but in my mind I believe that the girl should decide what's right and not the boy. The girl is the one who gets pregnant so the girl should take control.
Sorry for making this such a long story. I'm venting is when I'm doing! I'm mad but I'm lost knowing that I didn't really ask him the right questions.
But should I tell his girlfriend about this? Should I message her without her knowing who I am to tell her what her boyfriend did?
Carly
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 42
Joined: Sun Sep 20, 2020 9:13 pm
Age: 29
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Bisexual
Location: American Midwest

Re: Feel like I was used

Unread post by Carly »

Hey OtherAngel! Up top I wanted to say that I saw that you attempted to post this thread twice - I approved this one but in the interest of keeping our boards tidy I did not approve the other one. They seemed really similar, so I hope that's okay! If there was information in that one that did not make it over into this one, feel free to add more.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now - I think I know exactly how you're feeling, too. I feel comfortable sharing with you that I was once in a very similar situation a few years ago: I discovered my boyfriend of several months was secretly in another relationship the entire time we were dating. I don't think you're blowing this out of proportion at all. Even if it was a one-time weekend fling, it feels awful to have your trust broken and know you didn't have all the information, especially because it sounds like you would have chosen something different if you knew it. As for whether or not you should or should not feel mad or used - you're allowed to feel however you want to feel about this situation, or any other situation for that matter. There could be folks out there that would feel differently if this happened to them, but what matters the most is how you feel.

One thing I will say along those lines though is that I don't think you need to be mad at yourself for not asking if he had a girlfriend. I believe the assumption you made about him being single is very reasonable, and I think expecting him to be forthcoming with information about his relationship status is also. Something I wanted to throw out there as a possibility is that some couples have consensual non-monogamous relationships - this means that they have decided to not date or have sex exclusively with each other. If you're interested in learning more about these types of relationships, you can check out this guide. There may be an arrangement between him and his girlfriend that you are unaware of. If that's the case and they are non-monogamous, I do wish he thought to be more up front about it with you.

It's my personal opinion that you should not message his girlfriend, even if you think she should know the truth. I say this because this issue is between you and him, not you and her. What do you think about reaching out and telling him how you feel instead?
OtherAngel
not a newbie
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2021 4:33 pm
Age: 15
Awesomeness Quotient: I enjoy me
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: Her
Location: Texas

Re: Feel like I was used

Unread post by OtherAngel »

thanks for the fast reply Carly. And sorry for hitting the submit button twice, first time was an accident.

I'm hurt because I trusted him and I told him about my relationships and I told him about my last boyfriend and how it ended badly and abruptly and how I felt lost for a while. He NEVER told me about his girlfriend, no pictures no nothing! I NEVER would have talked the way I did if I knew he wasn't single, and maybe thats my fault because the way I was talking kinda said that I was interested in him. We were together for three days, just as friends, and I would have kept it that way if I knew the truth. The sex thing was never originally on my mind, but it only became a thing by day 3 because I liked him and trusted him and as for me I wanted to feel better about myself again.
And he should have told me if arrangement between him and his girlfriend existed, but I 100% wouldn't have done anything with him if I knew he was in a relationship or some kind of open relationship.
And yet I knew this was a 1 time thing so why am I hurt? He lives 4 hours from here, I only met him because his mom is a friend of my aunt. We only got together because we were the young ones in this get together.
I am hurt because I became this other girl on the side. AM I RIGHT??? He goes home, gets with his girlfriend, they go out to the movies, and I see pics of them having all this fun together just a few days after him and I were together. And after that I see pics of them together from over the last 7 months.
UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I will not message his girlfriend, I agree with you on that. I think that would cause more problems for me somehow.
And maybe I will tell him how I feel, but not now. Maybe never. Why bother.
And I am sorry Carly for what you went through with your boyfriend. THAT SUCKS!!
Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 7359
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
Age: 30
Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
Primary language: english
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: Feel like I was used

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi OtherAngel,

Those are all completely understandable reasons to be hurt, and it sucks that something that felt like a close, positive connection to you turned out to to be deceptive and ended up causing you more hurt. Given that honesty doesn't seem to be a high priority for him, it's ultimately a good thing that this was a one-time thing.

What are some things you could do over the next few days to take care of yourself and ease the sting of this some? For instance, do you have friends you can confide in? Or things that you like to do that make you feel good about yourself?
OtherAngel
not a newbie
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Jun 20, 2021 4:33 pm
Age: 15
Awesomeness Quotient: I enjoy me
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: Her
Location: Texas

Re: Feel like I was used

Unread post by OtherAngel »

I am going to move on from it and learn from this. I still blame me mostly, I wanted it and wouldn't let myself go. But NO MORE little flings for me!

And I was with friends today, and they don't know him and never will. I had a good day today, and i'll be fine.
Siân
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 681
Joined: Tue Jul 04, 2017 6:10 am
Age: 31
Awesomeness Quotient: I ask ALLLLL the questions
Primary language: English
Preferred pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity and orientation: Figuring it out
Location: UK

Re: Feel like I was used

Unread post by Siân »

I'm glad that yesterday was a good day for you!

You know, if you learnt that flings don't suit you because you like to know someone better then that's perfectly okay. I want to reiterate though that you did nothing wrong. You chose something that felt good in the moment. He broke your trust. This is 100% on him. Do you know where that feeling of guilt comes from?
Post Reply Previous topicNext topic