The way it looks from where I'm sitting, we've got a mutli-pronged issue here, one that includes your anxiety disorder (and whatever kind it is, and whatever that means for you, including treatment and any barriers to that), how supported you do or don't feel with the anxiety by the people in your life, especially the most influential people, what you can and can't control when it comes to both what triggers your anxiety and what you can do to manage it (especially with the limitations of the pandemic), and the matter of the facts of things, very much including the fact that it sure doesn't help that one of your anxiety triggers is based in something where the facts have been obscured by cultural (cough,patriarchal, cough) mythologies about that thing (sperm cells).
Obviously, there's some of that I/we can help more with than others, but by all means, I'm in to do what we can here, or at least try our best. I'm so sorry this is causing you so much suffering. I'd love to see it cease, or if it can't do that, at least be something that can get dialed down.
The facts are obviously one place I have some things I can offer, but before I do that, I want to touch lightly on a few other things. We can talk more about them if you'd like.
It sounds like you think your mother won't give permission for you to get anxiety medication if that's what your therapist suggests/agrees with you about. A couple things on that: 1) you may not actually need her permission, as this may be a case where you might be able to be considered a mature minor per AU policy about minors and healthcare, or, if you'd feel better about this, 2) your therapist may be able to have a talk with her and get her to understand that your anxiety existed before school was interrupted, so school getting back isn't likely to resolve it. In other words, your therapist may be able to better educate your mother about your anxiety -- about anxiety disorders, period -- than you've been able to, something I think would be a good idea to ask them to try and do regardless. You'd certainly benefit from living in a household where the person you live with understood what you were dealign with a bit better.
On a similar note, I hear you feeling very much like a burden here to the most influential people in your life -- to your mother and your boyfriend. I want to just make sure that you know that their feelings are NOT your responsibility. They're not. And you are NOT a burden. It doesn't sound to me like either of them are being jerks here or anything, but I do think that you feeling like a burden and them both sounding like they just don't get it (and perhaps not doing any learning of their own about anxiety to try and better understand) is creating a kind of perfect storm where instead of feelings supported, you're feeling worse, and that's not going to help you out here, you know? I'd be happy to talk about some ways they might be able to better support you if you like, and how you can ask for that.
Moving on to those facts.
You and I both know that these will get overridden by your anxiety sometimes, because your anxiety does not give a hoot about rational things. But I think that you can perhaps use them to try and craft some ways to ground yourself with them if and when the anxiety happens, or keep it from spiraling out. I'm going to oversimplify things here in a way I usually wouldn't for our purposes, because you aren't a bunch of medical students, you're you, in this situation. I know we've also talked about some of this before, so pardon me if I give you some reruns. I'm getting older and my brain is not the steel trap it once was!
You keep thinking about sperm cells a) like they are mighty, and b) like they operate like germs. Neither could be further from the truth.
In reality, when it comes to how the whole bit of human reproduction goes, no one is mighty: not sperm cells, not ova, not the fluids involved, none of it. In fact, honestly, between getting the timing right and all of the other exacting specifications involved in human reproduction it truly is a wonder this species manages to reproduce itself at all. Like, it is so exacting and so complex that if it weren't for the fact that there are times in life where people literally are inclined to do it -- and when I say it, I very expressly mean penis-in-vagina intercourse -- like bunnies (and, I am sorry to say, probably also if it weren't for how much sexual violence has existed in history), we'd be long gone as a species by now.
And sperm cells are like, the LEAST powerful of everything involved. They are the MOST delicate, the most easily destroyed or intercepted, the easiest to predict, etc. They also don't "infect" things. In other words, if it weren't for EVERYTHING else involved -- the ova, the cervix, the uterus and the muscles of it, the fluids of the vagina and the cervix, the timing of it all -- they would be literally useless. There is not a single thing they can do on their own. Nothing. They're not like viruses, where they just need to show up and find a host and get in there and do their thing. It's more like that they need to show up, get to the door (which is hard enough for them to do, so hard they need 500 of their friends to even get one of them there!), and hope everyone ELSE does THEIR thing. Make sense? So, this is why worries about them being on things like door handles or pants are so divorced from reality -- if and when a sperm cell managed to find itself there it would be so utterly damaged and so without all that it needs to be able to do anything that it just doesn't make sense to think about that as even a thing.
How about we start there today and see where you want to take it, okay? <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead