No libido and no orgasm

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No libido and no orgasm

Unread post by user2298 »

Me and my boyfriend haven’t had sex for two weeks now. We have been together since May this year. Despite having four precious relationships, I have never orgasmed and I also am not comfortable masturbating. In addition, I just never get to urge to have sex. When we actually do it, I do enjoy it, but I never get the urge to initiate anything.

In addition, my boyfriend does not initiate anything with me. If he did start touching me sexually then I would get in the mood but we just seem to stay together every night and go straight to sleep. Now I am working full time and doing a masters degree so I admit I am tired. I am also in the process of coming off anti depressants.

I put pressure on my self thinking “omg we haven’t had sex for two weeks so I have to do it” so I then do it purely through pressure which is not enjoyable.

Furthermore, before we got together my boyfriend was a virgin. I know this sounds really mean but to me it isn’t attractive to have to guide a guy, I like a guy who is very dominant in the bedroom. It is a turn on for me. I feel really bad for saying that so please no judgement.

For a girl my age is it normal to not want sex all the time? I think there is a lot of pressure on young couples to be “like rabbits”.

To summarise, I simply feel like when I think about having sex I’m just like “ugh I cannot be bothered”.
Should we be together?
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Re: No libido and no orgasm

Unread post by al »

Hi there user2298, and welcome to Scarleteen!

There are lots of things that I want to touch on here, but the very first thing I wanted to say is that it's absolutely normal for two young people in a partnership to not have sex for a couple of weeks. You're right in that there are a lot of expectations for young people (especially on social media and in TV/movies) to be constantly thinking about sex wanting to have sex with each other often. The reality is that that there's a whole spectrum of feelings for young, older, and in-the-middle people alike around levels of desire and sex drive as well as how often they are actually sexual with partners. There is no "right" amount of sex for people (partnered or otherwise) - you're the only one that can decide whether or not the level of sex that you're having (or wanting to have) is right for you.

On that note, there are some things that might be making sex/intimacy between yourself and your partner a little less desirable or fun. You mentioned a couple of things that definitely play into whether or not you're in the mood - being tired from working/studying full time, as well as changes in your medication. Those can definitely affect your libido for sure, and it's possible that's just where your body is at right now - mostly interested in spending time together in a low-pressure way and getting a good night's sleep. It could change with time and/or different circumstances, but at the moment, that could just be where you're at. And that's totally okay!
But partnered sex is also a two-way street. You said that you're your partner's first sexual partner - do you feel like that might be playing a factor in whether or not he initiates sex? Have you ever talked about his level of experience/comfort with initiating sex? I know it sounds boring to hear someone say "communication, communication, communication" when it comes to sex and relationships, but that's also the only way that a partner can know exactly how you're feeling and what you want, and vice versa! What would it be like to talk with your boyfriend about these concerns?
Here are a couple of articles that you might find helpful in thinking about your own needs and your relationship:

When Sex is Just A @#*&!ing Bummer
How to Understand, Identify, and Make Choices about Desire
Be a Blabbermouth: The Whys, Whats, and Hows about Talking About Sex With a Partner
Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it. -Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully
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