Sure thing. Well, I grew up in a family that never talked about sex (I’m 20 now and to this day neither of my parents have ever had a single conversation about sex with me). My mom always told me it was something dirty that adults do and I shouldn’t think about it. When I was a young teenager, I asked her what masturbating was, and she told me it was something dirty that people do, and that women especially shouldn’t do. Like, it’s a wrong or BAD thing to do. That led to a lot of internalized panic and disgust around masturbation for me...I didn’t even fully realize how to do it with my body, but every time I thought about it it would lead to a lot of panic and stress. I’m also generally an anxious person
so it built up a ton of very specific negative energy around the idea of me touching myself.
Obviously, these are very unhealthy ideas about sex and since then I’ve done a lot of research and thinking about these concepts to change the attitudes that my family gave me. I feel like I’m way more sex-positive now, but I still can’t figure out the masturbation thing. At the very beginning, I would feel a physical stress response (like my throat tightening and heart beating faster) when I thought about masturbating. Over time, I was able to gently lay a finger or two on myself (still, though, would feel a physical panic response sometimes!)
I’m pretty proud of this since in the last six months or so I gradually got more comfortable to the point where I can at least try to touch myself for 1-2 minutes before giving up.
At first it felt gross, the idea of touching myself. Now it just feels weird and ineffective. The panic response is mostly gone though. Maybe it’ll just take more time?