How do I not feel like I suck?

[A.Fiend1983]

Hello. During this entire year, I have not really been doing much, or anything productive, really. Usually, I wake up, play video games, draw, do schoolwork, and then go to work. I'm not very active outside, and I have not thought about college like I'm supposed to (I don't even want to think about college until I can do it in person without masks). I keep thinking that nothing will ever get better, and I often think of how pointless and meaningless everything I do really is, despite lots of it being stuff I love and enjoy. The election is something I've been really worried about, and living in a mostly white Trump supporting town does not help. I am not depressed or suicidal at all, but I thought about shooting myself in the head if Trump won the election this year. I would never act on that thought, but the thought has crossed my head a few times. I really want to meet more friends like me, but my mom thinks the only way to do that is by doing volunteer work and stuff like that, and I still have not met anyone who actually clicks with me. I really don't feel very happy about anything. I really just want more friends around this stupid small town.

[Sam W]

Hi A.Fiend1983,

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low, though given the garbage fire of current events, I understand. I also get the way living in a small, Trump-leaning town can be really wearing, because that's where I am now. If it would help, I can offer a few of the things I've been using to deal with it without tearing my hair out.

As far as feeling like YOU suck, does that seem to be coming from mostly inside yourself? Or is it coming from other people as well? And when you want to meet new friends, what traits or interests are you hoping they'll have?

[A.Fiend1983]

I feel like it mainly comes from myself, and as for friends, I want ones who I can actually click with, who have at least some of my interests (like video games or music). Most of the friends who I really had clicked with in the past had problems or issues (depression, anxiety, etc.) they didnt want help with, and were generally toxic. I only have about one best friend at this point who I actually hang out with.

[RachelG]

Hi A.Fiend1983,

Just a quick note to tell you that we're sorry you're having to wait longer than usual for a response from us. Sit tight! We haven't forgotten about you. You'll hear from someone soon, either tonight or tomorrow.

[Sam W]

Hi A.Fiend1983,

Got it, I wanted to make sure there wasn't someone in your life who was telling you that you suck, because that would require a different approach than the one I had in mind. As far as what has you feeling so down on yourself, is it that sense that you're not doing enough or being "productive" enough? Or is it something else (or several something elses)?

With friends, it can definitely be rough to cut contact with people who you know are struggling for deeper reasons but are in a place where a friendship isn't the healthiest thing for you. Plus, the pandemic has made it trickier to go out and socialize casually. re you mainly interested in finding in-person friends, or are you open to finding friendships online as well?

I do also want to circle back to something in your initial post. If you ever do start seriously considering hurting yourself, this is the number to call for that kind of help, since it's something we can't provide here: 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I get where those feelings of despair are coming from, but we ask that users refrain from describing suicide fantasies graphically, since it makes the space less safe for folks with that ideation or who have lost people they know to suicide.

[A.Fiend1983]

I have found plenty of friends online that I love and appreciate, but I really want to find more in person friends that I can hang out with and talk with, that are also interested in some of the same things I am. I'm just not sure how to actually click with people who are very different than me.

[Sam W]

Hi A.Fiend1983,

That makes a lot of sense; even when we have thriving online relationships, it's pretty common to want in-person ones s well. Since the pandemic may take a lot of in-person gatherings off the table, it might help to use some of the time until we can see people in person again to figure out how you can approach those situations where you don't have a ton in common with people. For instance, would you want to try picking situations where there's some established common ground (so, meetings to do with specific hobbies or media)? Or would you feel more comfortable treating it as a chance to learn new things, courtesy of the other person?

[A.Fiend1983]

I would want to learn new things, while also having something (anything really) in common with whoever I'm with.

[Siân]

Hey A.Fiend1983

It sounds like you've been finding the place you live pretty isolating so it's understandable that you're looking for ways to find people you actually have something in common with. I get where your mom is coming from by suggesting volunteering - the assumption being that you have some common values with the people there.

You can also often find that around groups focused on your interests too - like an art group or class if you like to draw, or learning something completely new together. I know that things are different in the current pandemic, but maybe doing some thinking and research into things you might enjoy when stuff opens up can give you something to look forward to?

Of course, some things are still happening and with the right precautions (being outside, wearing masks, keeping your distance) are reasonably safe - are there any small groups that e.g. exercise or draw in the park?

I'm sure some days it feels like you're the only one, but I'm also sure that somewhere else in your small town are other people who share some of your interests and values feeling exactly the same way as you.

[A.Fiend1983]

There's not much for me going on in my town right now, and I'm honestly sick of the whole mask/distancing thing. I'm just really sick of just going to school, working right after and, and staying inside all the other times.

[Mo]

I hear you on being sick of social distancing! It's necessary but it's making a lot of things harder right now. I don't really have extra ideas for finding in-person connections besides what Sam and Siân mention above, but I just want to acknowledge that the current situation can make it much easier to feel isolated or disconnected from others. You said above that you do have one local friend who you hang out with; would it help to try and set up some sort of regular time to socialize with them, so that you're getting some in-person contact on a regular basis, even if it's less than you might want?

[A.Fiend1983]

We were going to hang out today, but due to some stuff, he decided not to come over, and it really bummed me out. He's a good friend for sure, but he's not very good with being social or doing his own thing. That really told me I need to find more good friends than just him, but I don't really know how I would do that around here, since there's really nothing much and everything is restricted.

[Siân]

That's so frustrating, I'm sorry :/

Besides what Sam and I said above, I've not got huge amounts of new ideas for how to meet new people in person right now, unless you were to make a point of speaking to people at work/school that you haven't chatted much to before. I get that it sucks to feel isolated in that way.

You said you have good online friends, is there any way you can lean into those friendships some more? Do new things with some of them? Like if you usually game together, maybe have videocalls to hang out at chat in a way that feels more like spending time with someone?