Anxiety and fears

[Anonymous786]

Hi there, I’ve been in extreme anxiety at the moment and needed some answers hope someone can help, every time I am near my boyfriend sit on his lap facing forwards or backwards or even dry hump fully clothed both of us I get scared I may have a chance of being pregnant, even though I’ve had my period and know in my head it sounds silly because no bodily fluids are exchanged , is it possible if there is pre cum but no cum that it can get through 6 layers of clothes which I know is impossible but I can’t get the thought out my head what do I do I feel like I need some reassurance
Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi Anonymous786,

So, as you already know, there is absolutely no risk of pregnancy from what you describe. When you're having a hard time shaking anxiety about something you know doesn't pose a risk, that's usually a sign that something else is going on that's generating that anxiety. If you take a look at this article, do any of the reasons in it feel like they apply to you? You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?

[Anonymous786]

Hi Sam
Thank you for replying, I appreciate it
I feel like the only way I can rest is if I do a pregnancy test and I know it will be negative but I want to try and fight the anxiety and ignore it all but it all seems to hard, I feel like for the next few months it will just be on my head, thanks you for sending that link I had a read of it made me feel less anxious it helped , I feel like lack of sexual education plays a part in this too as in school we weren’t really taught much at all and was never taught by anyone else so any form of contact what so ever with the opposite gender or it may not even be anything to do with their genitals sends me into panic mode I feel like I need a step back from everything now

[Siân]

It's understandable that if you don't have a lot of a sex education already that you don't feel so confident in what does/doesn't pose a pregnancy risk. Sure, you can take pregnancy tests if they help with the anxiety but it sounds like trying to get to a point of feeling more in control and less worried is what you need right now.

Is anxiety something you struggle with a lot for other things? Or mostly just with sex?

Also, if you feel like having a better sex education in general would be helpful for you, we can point you towards some good resources so you don't end up reading mis-information and getting more tangled up. Are there any particular subjects you want to know more about? If so, do you prefer reading articles, or e.g. watching videos, reading books, something else..?

[Anonymous786]

Hi Sian
Thanks for the reply
I usually get anxious about numerous things not just sex, but if I take a test isn’t that feeding into the anxiety ? Even though I know there’s no chance I could be pregnant ? I know it’s the only way it will stop me from being anxious but at the same time it’s the fear of doing it incase it says something I don’t want to see, even though I know that’s not the case this isn’t the first time it has happened, this happened to me around a year ago and I was in the same situation I don’t understand why it makes me so scared
And yes please it would help a lot having some resources to go through to help me understand things better thank you

[Siân]

You're best placed to know if the test will pause your anxiety or just keep feeding into it. Ultimately yes, you want to be in a place where you don't worry about getting pregnant from things that don't cause pregnancy. If in the meantime the test helps you control the anxiety, then I think it's okay. Do you have a therapist or any other sources of support that you're working on the anxiety with in general?

As for resources, starting with some of the things on our site, have you read these two?:
Human Reproduction: A Seafarer's Guide
Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?

Are there specific things you'd like to know more about?

[Anonymous786]

I know doing a test will calm my anxiety down and I don’t want to resort to that but I know I’m going to end up doing one because this has been on my mind all week and the only way I feel like I won’t worry is if I can prove to myself by doing a test even though I’ve had my period too,
Yes I am currently seeing a therapist who helps me with my anxiety I’m in a much better state than I was years ago but just the odd few things that cause me to become anxious
And yes I have read those two sources and the one regarding what posts as a pregnancy risk and what does not, also the diagram regarding the dry humping that there is zero chance of pregnancy , even reading this I feel fine for a while then it comes back to me like what if you are ? Like it would be some miracle for me or something

[Sam W]

Have you brought up the fact that your anxiety seems to be latching onto pregnancy fears lately with your therapist? If not, that would be sound net step in terms of addressing any underlying causes of this. Too, has your therapist give you any tools for managing anxious thoughts that you could use right now?

Can I ask why--given that you think it would help you feel calm--you don't want to take a test?

[Anonymous786]

Hi sam,
No I have not spoken to her regarding this as I feel too embarrassed to bring it up as it sounds silly and crazy, we are working on my anxiety slowly slowly so hopefully there will be an improvement,
Yes me and my therapist have been working on ways to calm my anxiety
I don’t want to take a test because having one in the house would make it seem like I have had sex and this isn’t the case, if someone finds it in the trash can after I have used it to calm myself down someone may find it that’s the fear hence one reason why I wouldn’t want to do it

[Sam W]

I think it would be worth bringing this specific fer up with her, if only because it's become such a focal point for your anxiety lately. If you feel embarrassed bout it, you can say that to her, and maybe even ask if you can write out what you want to say for her to read rather than speaking it, since sometimes that can make it easier to get things out. How does that sound?

With the test, do you have a big outdoor trashcan where you live? If so, you could either pitch the test and packaging there directly or pitch it in the bathroom trash and then carry that smaller trash bin out and dump it into that bigger one, so no one else can accidentally see what was in it.

[Anonymous786]

I had a session with her but I couldn’t bring it up just felt so embarrassed I eventually did the tests both negative as per I thought they would be but I needed that clarification to know it was nothing but I got rid of all the tests but I feel like I may have left some thing in the bathroom even tho I know I got rid of everything in my head it’s telling me I didn’t and someone found something and I’m Going to get in trouble and stuff it’s like a repeat cycle and it’s frustrating

[Heather]

If it helps, fear of pregnancy is actually very, very common, as is the kind of anxiety you're experiencing with it. What do you feel like you might need in order to feel able to take the positive risk of telling your therapist about it?

[Anonymous786]

Is it actually ? Hmmm I did not know that , I feel like it sounds crazy so she might think what a crazy thing to say but I do plan to bring it up in my next meeting with her,
Even tho I’ve done the pregnancy tests I still feel uneasy for somereason ☹️ Because I’ve been reading other sources which say you can get pregnant through clothes so my mind is going crazy because it doesn’t know what to believe and when you have a lot going on in life your anxiety is just all over the place

[Sofi]

That's great to hear, I think it will be really good to talk to her about it. I understand you're uneasy, but I promise, you cannot get pregnant through clothes if one or both people's clothing completely covers their genitals.

[Anonymous786]

Yes I think it will be good too because it’s something that will affect my future, okay I know thanks for the reassurance but why do some websites say it’s possible ?

[Mo]

We can't know exactly why people are saying it's possible on different sites, but a lot of webpages just aren't moderated or checked for reliable information. Some people spread inaccurate information believing it's true because they've learned from unreliable sources; others might be repeating stories without bothering to fact-check them or exaggerating or misrepresenting personal experiences.

[Anonymous786]

Hmmm okayy because when I started re searching there was one website that was so persistent that you can some how get pregnant this way even if there is a clothes barrier between both partners so it just confused me even more I didn’t know which information to believe when I think of it logically it’s impossible but it’s just frightened me so much even after doing the tests I keep thinking maybe they were wrong I just want to stop stressing

[Sam W]

If you're noticing that even with the test results you're still having this fear, then I think we're back to this being something to bring up with your therapist. When fears won't let us go even when we have clear proof they're not true, that's usually due to underlying issues like anxiety.

When it comes to finding accurate information online, this article has lots of good tools for figuring out when a sex ed resource reliable and when it isn't: Legit or Unfit? Finding Safe, Sound Sex Educators & Support Online

[Anonymous786]

I’m just scared that maybe I didn’t do the test right even though of course there was no need for me to do the test anyways right ? Because what I described had no pregnancy risk , I’m trying to stay calm by just thinking nothing happened it’s all fine like I said both fully clothed I even had pads on, leggings because it was cold and then velvet trousers as well then of course he was fully clothed to jeans. So I keep telling myself how is it even possible and there was no cum so how is it possible for anything to swim through clothes and a pad and make it’s way to make me pregnant ? When I sit and think of it this way it sounds silly and impossible which of course it is right ? Then when I start doing research again it makes it worse , I end up reading things of how some girls didn’t know they were pregnant and stuff and gave birth after 9 months it’s like I’m going to wait 9 months now to see if anything pops out which of course I know is really silly
And thank you for that I will give it a read and it will help me know what is re liable or not, I do believe your information but may I ask where your information is sourced from ? I’m sorry if that’s an offensive question

[Siân]

Okay, if you're finding more anxieties to add onto your existing worries this is DEFINITELY something to talk to your therapist about. Have you managed to do that yet?

Asking where we source our information is not offensive! It's a good question to ask when consuming any kind of media. Our information doesn't come from a single source, but is based on the best available scientific evidence - lots of different studies done over a long period of time. Unfortunately, a lot of studies are behind a paywall, so you might not be able to read them unless your school gives you access, but places like Science Direct and Google Scholar (scholar.google.com) allow us to search scientific literature.

We talk more about recognising good sources of information in this piece: Literacy Is Power: How To Get Yourself a Kick-Butt BS Detector
And I wrote about how science works here: How do we science?

[Anonymous786]

I have not yet no, I have another appointment with her next week so I will defo do it then as it is just killing me mentally I don’t know what it is gunna take for me to be calm, I feel like I need to do another pregnancy test which is just bazaar right ? My next period is due in 5 days and I’m stressed out so I’m scared this will delay it even more I’ve already had one period so I don’t understand why I’m stressing so much, I feel even scared to sit on a guys lap now in the front facing position of back facing position as I’m scared some guys may get excited and leak pre cum which will some how come through his jeans and go through my clothes which sounds silly in my head And thank you for that once again I will check it out , how common are these pregnancy scares where you get either people saying they may fear being pregnant even though they have not had a risk ? I don’t even want to be near a guy anymore because of this its defo something I need to bring up with my therapist and some how I think after 9 months a baby is going to pop of of nowhere !

[Sam W]

Given that you have a lot of anxiety around this, it's not all that bizarre to feel like another test would calm you down. When we're anxious, we tend to do a lot of reassurance seeking, and taking another test falls under that category. If you're looking for ways to soothe that anxiety until you can talk with your therapist, this is designed to walk people through some basic anxiety coping mechanisms: https://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp.

To answer you other question, these kinds of fears are something we see quite often. In fact, some of the limits we set around pregnancy scare questions on our direct services are because we used to get so many of these questions. That's also why we have things like The Pregnancy Panic Companion, because they walk people through their pregnancy scares.

[Anonymous786]

Yes honestly I feel like doing another test I don’t even know why I’m scared I didn’t do the other one properly and it’s scaring me so I will probally end up doing another one to be sure which is annoying, and thank you for the anxiety website I will check it out , and yes I have read the pregnancy scare page any ideas why this happens to girls ? I also keep looking at the dry humping diagrams one question though does it count as no pregnancy risk if you dry hump a guys penis with your bum as-well fully clothed ? Just wanted to know

[Sam W]

Honestly, it happens for a variety of reasons (and I will say we've seen quite a few people of all genders having these fears). Sometimes it's a belief that pregnancy is a "punishment" that will inevitably result from any sexual behavior, others it's a lack of education or understanding of how pregnancy actually happens, and for others it's an extension of an already present anxiety disorder.

Too, when evaluating risks, it also helps to figure out what facts to focus on. For instance, with dry humping, it's the presence of cloths, rather than the position or anything else, that removes the risk.

[Anonymous786]

Tbh Sam I agree with you I feel like it’s a punishment at times I grow up In a religious family where your taught no sex before marriage of course I agree with that and it’s something I wouldn’t do, then again lack of education and understanding how pregnancy really happens I just feel like sperm or pre cum is some powerful thing that it can somehow get through layers of clothes once it touched a guys boxers it’s absorbed like any other liquid would then it would have to go through his jeans and carry on filtering through clothes etc etc which is theoretically impossible I’m sure there not that powerful
And okayyy thanks you interesting
Do you know a way I may be able to bring this up with my therapist ? When I speak with her next week not entirely sure how to say it without me sounding crazy