Why can’t I orgasm?

Any questions or discussions that you ONLY want to discuss with our staff or volunteers.
(Users: please do not reply to other users here.)
chrysanthemum
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2020 9:15 pm
My primary language: English
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: i don’t really label myself! just like who i like
Location: Brazil

Why can’t I orgasm?

Unread postby chrysanthemum » Tue Sep 29, 2020 9:24 pm

When I masturbate, I know what I like and I can feel my climax building up, but right when I think I got it, I lose it. It just stops suddenly and I feel like I haven’t reached my peak. Why might this be happening and how do I get myself to go through with it?

Heather
scarleteen founder & director
Posts: 8268
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I know every word of The Lorax by heart.
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them
My sexual identity and orientation: queery-queer-queer
Location: Chicago

Re: Why can’t I orgasm?

Unread postby Heather » Wed Sep 30, 2020 11:22 am

Hello again. :)

I have some questions to see if I can't figure out what might be happening.

When "it just stops" are you also stopping whatever you're doing TO masturbate (like using your hands on your genitals or a toy)? If you were fantasizing, did you also stop that?

What it "just stops" do you feel like you stopped being as turned on at any point before then? Or does that change in intensity make you stop feeling turned on?

In other words, is there anything *else* stopping at the same time or before?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

chrysanthemum
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2020 9:15 pm
My primary language: English
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: i don’t really label myself! just like who i like
Location: Brazil

Re: Why can’t I orgasm?

Unread postby chrysanthemum » Fri Oct 02, 2020 8:30 pm

I don’t stop doing whatever I’m doing at the time, no. I feel like I just stop being turned on like you said. I feel it build up and right when I think I’ll reach my peak, I just feel... nothing?

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 6814
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: Why can’t I orgasm?

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Oct 03, 2020 8:14 am

Hi chrysanthemum,

Since it sounds like this has happened more than once, have you noticed that as you get closer to feeling like you're going to orgasm, you start worrying that it won't happen?

chrysanthemum
not a newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2020 9:15 pm
My primary language: English
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: i don’t really label myself! just like who i like
Location: Brazil

Re: Why can’t I orgasm?

Unread postby chrysanthemum » Sat Oct 03, 2020 11:10 pm

Hi Sam! Now that I think about it, I kinda do worry that it won’t happen!

rubyted
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 40
Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2017 3:27 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I make a mean grilled cheese.
My primary language: English or ASL.
My pronouns: they/them.
My sexual identity and orientation: Queer.
Location: Vashon Island, Washington.

Re: Why can’t I orgasm?

Unread postby rubyted » Sun Oct 04, 2020 8:23 am

Hey chrysanthemum! Hope it's okay that I'm popping in. Thanks for sharing that you do feel a little worry or anxiety about not being able to reach orgasm. It's not unusual for people to feel like any task is harder to achieve when we give weight to it or make it something we NEED to do. This can apply in any case, and can feel especially distressing during sex, whether on our own or with a partner. When we're oriented to a goal, like orgasm, instead of a feeling, like pleasure and curiosity, that can pull us right out of our bodies and into our thoughts and all the "shoulds" or "what if's" that come along with them, and poof, our embodied experience is disconnected, and pleasure is harder to reach. Orgasm becomes a task to check off, instead of an amazing treat of an experience.

I wonder if you can experiment with masturbation with, actually, the intention to not orgasm, just to see what feels good. Playing around with different positions, fantasies, tools etc. with the expectation that you probably won't orgasm might help take the pressure off, and you might find out something new about yourself and find yourself being able to reach orgasm more easily when you aren't in the mindset that you've failed if you haven't reached orgasm.

Or, you might try taking a break from masturbation altogether! Stepping away from something that is causing us stress can lead to feeling more excited to try it again, and it can help us recalibrate our bodies to what feels good when we know that it's okay to take a break. There isn't anything wrong with you, at all, for feeling this anxiety, or for being unsure why you aren't reaching orgasm. Again, it's super common. And I'm hearing that you really just want to feel as much pleasure as possible, which is great! What do you think of those suggestions?


Return to “Ask Us!”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests