Hello, first off I am very new here and rarely use forums, so I apologize if in advance if I make a mistake
I am 15, a cis female, and having a hard time figuring out my sexual orientation.
I know for sure that the bottom line is that I have always found both the sexes sexually attractive. I find myself being aroused by women and fantasize about being sexually intimate with the same sex (more often then the opposite), yet I have always found myself having romantic attraction to the opposite sex. By this, I mean several crushes on real and fictional boys/men and one year-long relationship with a boy. I know that bisexuality is a very broad spectrum and may include these feelings, but I don't feel like my feelings are bisexual enough to fully fit that label. I wondered if I was only attracted to the opposite sex romantically and both sexually, but when I looked this up I found a lot of harsh criticism about this idea (mostly about how the Split Attraction Model was made only and only applies to ace/aro people), and got very
discouraged from exploring the idea of heteroromantic/bisexual further. I read that using that label was harmful or invalidating to "real" bisexuals.
Just very recently I have downloaded TikTok and I noticed that I was getting very flustered at many beautiful girls on there. I truly felt dreamy and shy like I was admiring a cute boy, haha. It made me try to envision what a relationship with another girl would be like, but even doing that is very difficult do to a lack of LGBT+ representation throughout my life, so I have no idea what that would even look like. Because of the ongoing pandemic and social distancing, I also find it difficult to explore my feelings in person.
I'm not sure the reason why, but even the thought of exploring my sexuality makes me very uncomfortable and uncertain. I'm not sure if these feelings are just me trying to convince/force myself that I find women attractive, or genuine feelings that are new to me. When these feelings wear off, I find myself reverting to being StraightTM to feel more comfortable, like the feelings I had were unnatural and my attraction is fake.
I did a little bit of research and heard that feeling this way can be common and may have something to do with external factors and how they can suppress these types of feelings someone may have (not sure if this might help, but I did
live in Japan up until I was six, and I'm not sure if they're LGBT+ accepting). Are there ways to help me figure out if what I am feeling is genuinely my orientation, or something much deeper and internalized that I would need guidance and time to unravel? How can I draw the line between admiration and attraction? Thank you for any help in advance