Scarleteen

Hello! My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half and the entire time he has had strict parents and also anxiety. I also have anxiety and my parents used to be very strict and of course I didn't really mind because it's not like he can control them lol. For the most part it was just needing to know every single detail of where we were going/doing/etc etc. Until recently that wasn't an issue and it was easy to give that information so we could hang out about weekly.

Recently he got his drivers license which I figured would mean we could hang out more than just once a week, and he figured the same especially because it is summer and we don't have much else to do. However it's not turning out that way.

Because of his anxiety he is really scared to ask his parents for anything at all, and that includes hanging out with me. It doesn't help that there is a pandemic going on, and even though we have both been abiding by quarantine (as much as we can, at least) and cleaning our houses and wearing masks, he and his parents are incredibly nervous to have us hang out.

His parents ask so many questions at once it gets overwhelming and he's ended up just not coming over or inviting me over most of the time. If we're lucky we'll hang out once a week, but because neither of us have anything else to do we both want to be together more often. Me suggesting hanging out more often or trying to come up with ways to accomplish this usually end in him getting anxious and me getting upset because I get frustrated. I know it's not his fault but I can't help but get frustrated when (and I know this isn't true, it's just me getting irrationally upset) it feels like he doesn't want to try!

Even worse, I go to a technical school during the school year normally. Our main high school is going virtual for the year (of course) but for some ungodly reason the tech center isn't! And I can't just not go because that's a solid portion of my high school credits! My boyfriend said if I go to in person classes his mom won't let us hang out for the entire school year. This absolutely broke me so here I am.

The first few months of quarantine I didn't see him at all and it was hell. He's really bad at communicating via text because he forgets to check his phone, doesn't want to play online games (we have different tastes in games), his wifi makes it hard to watch shows and movies together, and when he's anxious he wants to be alone, so generally not being able to see him for months at a time strained our relationship an insane amount and the thought of going through that again makes me feel sick.

I don't know what to do!! I asked my tech teacher about going virtual (not entirely bc of my boyfriend, also just because i dont feel fully safe in school right now either lol) but all of this just. sucks so hard. I don't know what to do because I don't want to be upset at him for having anxiety and being afraid to ask to hang out but... a selfish part of me just wants him to 'get over it' so to speak (i know you cant just get over anxiety i have my fair share of mental issues too im sorry i couldnt think of another way to phrase it) because he's emphasized that he also wants to hang out more often but he just.. can't. His anxiety has gotten WAY worse since the pandemic started (obviously) and i'm so worried about him but also it makes me really anxious when he goes silent for so long or i cant see him for a while.

Any advice would be really appreciated thank you ;-;

-Jay

Hi cr4shjay,

This all sounds like a really stressful situation to be in, and I can see why you're frustrated even though you know that he's not having anxiety AT you. It can be so rough to feel like we have no way to stay connected with a partner and like the circumstances keeping us apart are out of our control.

The tricky thing is that you can only do so much when it comes to your boyfriend and his parents. You could suggest things for him to try, or support him if he wants to try drawing a few boundaries with them, but at a certain point that relationship has to be managed by him. Do you have a sense of what the flood of questions his parents ask are about? And do you know if your boyfriend is getting any kind of treatment for his anxiety?

You also mentioned that when you've tried to have conversations with him where you figure out ways to stay connected more he tends to get anxious. Do you have a sense of why those conversations make him anxious?

With the issue of school, I'm glad to hear you're investigating your distance learning options, given that you're not comfortable with the idea of going back in person (which, to be clear, is an entirely reasonable thing to be worried about). Has your teacher given you any sense of whether your request is feasible?

I know about the questions they ask, and it's very basic stuff; who will you be with, for how long, when are you leaving, where are you going, etc. The issue is when he gets them all at once it makes him freeze.

He is in therapy, not sure how often he talks with her but I know he has a therapist.

Part of why those conversations make him anxious from what I can tell is I have a really bad habit of throwing ideas and stuff at him for what to do. I know I need to be more patient and take more time to ask questions and give ideas more slowly but it's really hard and something I'm constantly working on.

My teacher has told me to talk to the principal who hasn't gotten back to me yet.. it's like a wild goose chase.

Ugh, got to love those wild goose chases. I'm crossing my fingers in hopes that you get an answer soon, or at least a chance to try and create a safer school plan for yourself.

From what you're describing, it sounds like part of what makes him freeze up is a lot of questions or ideas coming at him at once. Have the two of you ever talked about what might help in conversations between you to keep him from freezing up, or if there are ways of approaching those conversations that are less anxiety or frustration inducing for both of you?