friend problems

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theatreluvin
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friend problems

Unread postby theatreluvin » Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:01 am

hiiii. it’s been a while, how are you all doing?

so let me start out by saying I love my best friend and I only want the best for her. But the thing is, she keeps talking to her ex boyfriend who’s hurt her in the past. She had a pregnancy scare and he said he’d want nothing to do with her if she was actually pregnant (they weren’t even together at the time, she went behind my back and hooked up with him). Then when she wasn’t, he was like “Oh I don’t know what came over me” like he said when he refused to dance with her at our prom, when she was sexually assaulted and he berated her for “cheating on him,” and when he pushed her into a wall when he was mad.
I told her to stop talking to him and every time she says “Okay I’m done with him” and proceeds to go behind my back and hook up with him or spend time with him. He’s manipulative, hurts her, and uses her.
After the first time they decided to take a break, he texted me and asked me if I wanted to hook up with him to make her feel bad, like I would turn on my best friend and do something horrible like that. I had a run in with him myself, in which I cussed him out and told him to stay away from her permanently. Now she’s mad at me because she’s saying I don’t know what it’s like to need someone and not be able to let them go. But I want her to know that she doesn’t need someone who will use her for sex while they’re not even in a relationship or put their hands on her or not support her when she was sexually assaulted. What should I say to her to make her get it?

Mo
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Re: friend problems

Unread postby Mo » Tue Aug 11, 2020 4:35 pm

Hi theatreluvin, welcome back. :)

This sounds like a frustrating and sad situation with your friend; I understand why you want to find a way to tell her that this guy is bad news and that she'd be better off without him. The tricky thing about this, though, is that there isn't a magic way to tell her this so that she'll listen, and continuing to try is probably not the most helpful thing you can do for her. I agree that she'd probably be better off if she didn't talk to him any more, but telling her directly that she needs to do it isn't great; it's a decision that she has to make for herself, and framing it as something that you need to "get" her to do is taking on a responsibility and authority that you just don't--and shouldn't--have over another adult.
Abusers will often use the dislike that a victim's friends and family have for them as a way to further isolate the victim from loved ones or to influence them to keep a relationship (or hookups/other contact) secret from their support network. You can absolutely tell your friend she deserves to be treated well by any partners, whether they're casual ones or not, that you are willing to help her take steps to cut off contact if she needs support, that you're worried about her well-being, and even that it's hard to hear stories about him because he's treated her so badly, if you just need a break from talking about him in detail for a little bit, but I'd back away from giving her any sort of direct guidance or suggestions on what to do. She knows you don't like or trust him; if she does change her mind about the situation and wants help or support in detaching from him, she knows you're there and would be willing to give her support with that.
If you do find that you're talking about this guy a lot when you spend time together, maybe make sure there are some other ways you can connect; especially if he's causing her a lot of stress, being a source of some lighthearted ways to have fun together can be a good way to provide passive support right now. I get that it is frustrating to see a friend make harmful choices, but you can't make those choices for her; being there for her in whatever way you're able is the best you can do for her, right now.


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