I don't quite know how to put this into words. So I'm 24 and like 4 years ago I was a virgin and was very curious about sex but not "brave" enough to try it out. I think, I should say this before continuing with my story, I know this is a delicate subject but I used to fantasied about being raped. Once, a friend of mine from collage and I went with other friends to a party, where I got a little bit drunk. After the party we two went to my apartment ( I lived alone) because for some reason I don't remember he couldn't stay at his house, it wasn't the first time he stayed at my house, he used to sleep on a bed in the living room and I in my bedroom. So on that night, I changed and went into my bed to sleep, I remember him entering and sitting on the bed and asking me something or maybe we where talking (I don't really remember). I think I fall asleep and then woke up when he started to kiss me and touch me. I didn't know how to react, he knew I was asleep. I remember thinking that it was wrong but if I say something then everything would be uncomfortable or maybe I would've had to say something to my family or he would've just said that he wasn't doing anything that I was delusional, idk, but also, I kind of liked the idea of him wanting me, so I pretended I was still asleep. Furthermore he tried to go further like to finger me and also to penetrate me. I started to move so it would be more difficult for him to do so, I still didn't wanted to tell him something, it would've been so embarrassing. He tried a lot to do intercourse, but also being careful to not "wake me up". I wasn't comfortable at all, but couldn't find the strength to cut him off. At the end he couldn't succeed and just grab my hand and with it jerked himself off. In the morning I woke up first and immediately took a shower I felt kind of gross, he did like nothing happened and left the apartment. Later that day I went to the toilet and found a bit of blood, I still didn't know how to feel about it but I cried. I wrote him, if something happened between us because he slept with me that night, he answered that nothing happened and that I asked him to sleep with me that night. After he told me that I said to myself that I would just forget that day and if I remembered something it was just a dream. I haven't talked about this with anyone because I'm too ashamed to do so and also because Idk how I feel about it. Sometimes I even catch myself fantasising over it and other times angry at myself that I didn't say anything at the moment. Is that normal?